I’ve been studying efforting- in myself and with my clients. It’s so much a part of our culture- to effort and try- with gusto! It’s one of the most common survival strategies that we have in lui of just being present and self connected. And our culture supports it, nay- encourages it.
Most of us were never taught to be self connected, and most of us were not supported in such a way in our childhoods that we could just relax (and be present). We weren’t able to be aware or connected to/with bodies, our sensations, or our emotions- because most often our care givers weren’t, so they didn’t know how to support us in being self connected either.
Not being well connected with/to our energies and physical bodies, we became reliant upon our mental faculties. This has translated into a lot of trying to manage and control- by using our mental faculties. We move things around in our minds. We fantasize. We imagine. We think **a lot**- so as to try to feel safe and stable. All the while not realizing that we’re living in our heads, not present with/to our bodies/ourselves.
This disconnectedness usually continues through most people’s lives. We continue to manage and control, and the physical impact of that is a tightening in the body that comes from all that trying and efforting. In the process, there is also a lot of holding, grasping, and tightening in our bodies. Most of us aren’t even aware of how much grasping and holding- how much efforting and trying- is happening, because it’s such a part of our reality that we don’t know how it’s dictating our lives. (Take a moment right now to check out how, quite likely, your jaw is gripping in some subtle or overt way. Or your shoulders are tensed.)
In today’s OM I got to see that efforting mechanism reveal itself- so innocently. I got to watch as my body tried to move itself towards pleasure, towards orgasm, towards satisfaction.
I’ve spent years perfecting this ability. I am quite good at climaxing through trying. It’s a skill that perhaps most women have learned to do- we adjust ourselves to achieve/get pleasure. Why this happens is likely complicated. Maybe it’s just in our training, maybe it’s bc the people in our lives don’t bring pleasure to us so we have to “go after it.” Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to be present. Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to make our pleasure important.
The data shows us that “while 95% of heterosexual men have an orgasm every time they have sex, only 65% of women sleeping with men do.” This does not surprise me. I dated a guy who relied either on me making myself climax, or vibrators to bring me to climax. He made it sound cool, normal even. He was very convincing, for awhile. But eventually it became clear that due to his own insecurity, or perhaps poor abilities… his own disconnect from himself was resulting in a disconnect from me. Said another way, his lack of presence with himself translated into a lack of presence with me. My body felt that disconnect (which he’d deny- always making it about me.) And instead of an energy of presence and connectedness, there was the energy of “going after a climax.” Basically, reinforcing that old efforting and trying mechanism that I was so familiar with. Needless to say that relationship didn’t last.
Back to today’s OM. I could feel how my OM partner was not present, or connected with himself, nor me. And I could feel how he wanted me to experience pleasure. I could feel his efforting and trying- all muddled up without presence or connection to substantiate it. And then… I could feel my own efforting mechanism show up. I could feel my body start to “try”… to “go after” pleasure.
WOAH, i said to myself, relaxing all the muscles that had been activated in the trying process. I relaxed back down into the nest, and brought my attention back into what i was experiencing right then and there. I became present- where true pleasure lives, where sustainable orgasm is experienced.
It frustrates me when I hear about or experience OM strokers try to manipulate women’s pussys into climaxing. And i get it better now. There is effort hidden in there. There is agenda. There is a trying. And in the energetic expression of that, the woman’s body can feel that- and comply with it, almost unknowingly. Because we are taught to “go after” a climax, and we are taught to follow/trust the energy of the masculine.
OM invites something much different, something much more sustainable then a climax that comes from the push pull of trying and efforting. OM invites the stroker to simply stroke- up and down, in short, fluid, soft movements. Not in circles, and not to try to tease out a climax. Just up and down. With the agenda to climax removed, the female’s system- and her own efforting or trying mechanism- relaxes. PHEW.
From this place of presence and connection- orgasm finds her, and it can be found in such a deep way that it stays. It stays because the body is not in a peak experience mode-it is in a grounded, present, and inclusive state where pleasure gets to be discovered, created, known, and stayed with. This allows the nervous system to take a break, to truly relax AND JUST BE. And it gives the brain a chance to re-wires those neuropathways that were built upon disconnection, and replacing with them with avenues of sustainable pleasure. Yes, please.