I’ve been studying efforting- in myself and with my clients. It’s so much a part of our culture- to effort and try- with gusto! It’s one of the most common survival strategies that we have in lui of just being present and self connected. And our culture supports it, nay- encourages it.
Most of us were never taught to be self connected, and most of us were not supported in such a way in our childhoods that we could just relax (and be present). We weren’t able to be aware or connected to/with bodies, our sensations, or our emotions- because most often our care givers weren’t, so they didn’t know how to support us in being self connected either.
Not being well connected with/to our energies and physical bodies, we became reliant upon our mental faculties. This has translated into a lot of trying to manage and control- by using our mental faculties. We move things around in our minds. We fantasize. We imagine. We think **a lot**- so as to try to feel safe and stable. All the while not realizing that we’re living in our heads, not present with/to our bodies/ourselves.
This disconnectedness usually continues through most people’s lives. We continue to manage and control, and the physical impact of that is a tightening in the body that comes from all that trying and efforting. In the process, there is also a lot of holding, grasping, and tightening in our bodies. Most of us aren’t even aware of how much grasping and holding- how much efforting and trying- is happening, because it’s such a part of our reality that we don’t know how it’s dictating our lives. (Take a moment right now to check out how, quite likely, your jaw is gripping in some subtle or overt way. Or your shoulders are tensed.)
In today’s OM I got to see that efforting mechanism reveal itself- so innocently. I got to watch as my body tried to move itself towards pleasure, towards orgasm, towards satisfaction.
I’ve spent years perfecting this ability. I am quite good at climaxing through trying. It’s a skill that perhaps most women have learned to do- we adjust ourselves to achieve/get pleasure. Why this happens is likely complicated. Maybe it’s just in our training, maybe it’s bc the people in our lives don’t bring pleasure to us so we have to “go after it.” Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to be present. Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to make our pleasure important.
The data shows us that “while 95% of heterosexual men have an orgasm every time they have sex, only 65% of women sleeping with men do.” This does not surprise me. I dated a guy who relied either on me making myself climax, or vibrators to bring me to climax. He made it sound cool, normal even. He was very convincing, for awhile. But eventually it became clear that due to his own insecurity, or perhaps poor abilities… his own disconnect from himself was resulting in a disconnect from me. Said another way, his lack of presence with himself translated into a lack of presence with me. My body felt that disconnect (which he’d deny- always making it about me.) And instead of an energy of presence and connectedness, there was the energy of “going after a climax.” Basically, reinforcing that old efforting and trying mechanism that I was so familiar with. Needless to say that relationship didn’t last.
Back to today’s OM. I could feel how my OM partner was not present, or connected with himself, nor me. And I could feel how he wanted me to experience pleasure. I could feel his efforting and trying- all muddled up without presence or connection to substantiate it. And then… I could feel my own efforting mechanism show up. I could feel my body start to “try”… to “go after” pleasure.
WOAH, i said to myself, relaxing all the muscles that had been activated in the trying process. I relaxed back down into the nest, and brought my attention back into what i was experiencing right then and there. I became present- where true pleasure lives, where sustainable orgasm is experienced.
It frustrates me when I hear about or experience OM strokers try to manipulate women’s pussys into climaxing. And i get it better now. There is effort hidden in there. There is agenda. There is a trying. And in the energetic expression of that, the woman’s body can feel that- and comply with it, almost unknowingly. Because we are taught to “go after” a climax, and we are taught to follow/trust the energy of the masculine.
OM invites something much different, something much more sustainable then a climax that comes from the push pull of trying and efforting. OM invites the stroker to simply stroke- up and down, in short, fluid, soft movements. Not in circles, and not to try to tease out a climax. Just up and down. With the agenda to climax removed, the female’s system- and her own efforting or trying mechanism- relaxes. PHEW.
From this place of presence and connection- orgasm finds her, and it can be found in such a deep way that it stays. It stays because the body is not in a peak experience mode-it is in a grounded, present, and inclusive state where pleasure gets to be discovered, created, known, and stayed with. This allows the nervous system to take a break, to truly relax AND JUST BE. And it gives the brain a chance to re-wires those neuropathways that were built upon disconnection, and replacing with them with avenues of sustainable pleasure. Yes, please.
I’ve been burning it at both ends a bit lately. My system has been craving deeper rest, and periods of doing nothing.
“Do I want to OM between clients? Or do nothing?” I asked myself. Well, how about if I experiment with both.
It’s kind of tricky business to “do nothing” while OMing, depending on how one interprets doing nothing. The invitation behind OMing is to not check out but to be present AND engaged. (I think this is Life’s invitation as well.) I could tell a part of me wanted to check out, but really what I was wanting is to surrender (while being conscious).
I felt my spine relax as i felt his hand touch and then stroke the skin of my pussy. And then my orgasm started to grab. WHOA Nelly! This dance! the grab of the orgasm, and the her loosening… This dance continued on and off throughout a lot of the OM. I had periods of what i call active passivity, where I’m consciously present but also surrendered, and moments of active grasping.
There were times when i really went into the grab, and sustained the grab- reaching for the climax that I knew i could have any time I wanted to “get it,” But I didn’t want to “get it”- I wanted to release the grabbing and efforting. I wanted to surrender and be present- that was what my nervous system was calling for and was needing.
At some point I realized that almost all my attention was on my pussy. Nothing wrong with that! But I decided to bring attention, and thus the energy, up to my heart. Something immediately shifted inside of me, and with my OM partner.
My system relaxed, and sustained a relaxed state. Meanwhile, my orgasm was building, but not grasping. Climax did find me, but from a place of active passivity- from a place of being surrendered but fully present.
My pussy and heart are so connected- immediately my heart came even more deeply on line, and the client session I had right after the OM was so powerful for both of us. I had realized that my heart space had been a bit weak, that my thread to “god” a bit dull, but I hadn’t realized to what extent. Phew, my entire system feels that much more on line and connected. Grateful.
As my stroker gently moved the blanket around my legs I was once again brought to gratitude. There is such sacredness brought to this exchange. Him smoothing out the seams in the blanket so that it’s smooth against my legs, him making sure it covers my toes, him puling back the blanket to begin only when I’m ready… all the way to the end… him staying still until I make the first move. He has learned what feels good to my system. He pays attention. He treats “us” as sacred. And I notice, receive, and open, to it all.
If all exchanges could be treated so sacredly, I thought. With care and conscious attention. Love and kindness and connection leading the way, as opposed to ego or defense. Presence. It really is not that hard to become present, when that becomes the guiding light in the heart of being.
The second after having that thought, I realized that I actually have sacred exchanges throughout the entirety of my life. It’s not just a happenstance of a 15 minute OM exchange. That care and delicate mindfulness now permeates into my life through most of my relationships. Just this morning I had breakfast with a friend who I don’t see but a few times year. Before we started eating he asked if we could pause and express gratitude. We held hands, and looked at each other in the eyes, and verbally shared words of gratitude. Sacred.
I have sacredness with my clients. With my daughter. With my friends. And most importantly I have it with the divine, as s/he lives as me. OM’ing has helped me ground in the divine matrix that is me- through the sacredness of the container. That of course is another post entirely- and i’ve written about it plenty. 🙂
Back to today’s OM. Lately my body wants to shoot into climax very quickly once into the flow of the OM. I’m not sure why, really. Perhaps it is bc my orgasm is quite alive these days, and already present before the OM starts. As such the “climax spark” gets turned on very quickly once the OM starts. What i mean by the climax spark… it’s not intrinsic to climax (For me it can perhaps be characterized by that exquisite sense of being that I might call divine- and can be experienced throughout a day!) but it can be easily noticed during sexual practice. The sex chakra and the heart chakra synced and “on fire.”
My attention longs to stay right with that spark, to sustain that spark. *And* what i’ve been noticing is how my physiology interacts with that spark. The spark seems to “want to be known”, but from a physiological perspective it, as the body, wants pleasure and climatic release. Today I watched my thighs twitch, “prepare” for climax. I watched other such physiological preparations take place as well. It took a lot of conscious attention to open into those preparations as opposed to let them “take hold” of the climax so it could “happen.” As I watched this ebb and flow sometimes it would even seem as though my body was trying to “take” climax from my strokers finger. Physiology was so biased towards this occurrence, it seemed. As I noticed that I’d repeatedly soften, soften, soften. And bring attention back to this “spark”- back to my heart, back to this etherial but known energy.
In the last minute of the OM my body did “grab” the climax. As my stroker went into down strokes the climax continued to unfold. Eventually he paused and grounded his palms/fingers into my pussy. Intuitively he repositioned the pressure so that the pressure was more on my clit, which is what I was wanting (but hadn’t yet verbalized). In that moment the energy, which has been running down my legs, shot back up to my heart. It was as if his hands/the pressure was allowing my system to hold the energy into my being, as opposed to me “giving away” this orgasmic expression. (This is something i have been consciously exploring). I found this synchronistic happening quite profound for my energetic and heart system, and was in awe of the mystery that life and I exist in/as.
My first “real” om partner (my gf and i gave it a half hazard attempt a few years prior) was a sexual predator who took advantage of my orgasm/OM hormones. I was so unaware as to the hows and whys of the nest. (We’d been OMing for 6-9 months before we decided to get trained) I was so new and uneducated as to the effect of hormones and the vigilance centers… had no idea that my orgasm high was effecting my ability to make useful distinctions. and that in the process I was turning to pleasure/feeling good as an escape from the abuse i was in the middle of but couldn’t clearly name or get out of.
I’m utterly grateful for the trainers – they really helped me understand the nest and helped to create useful distinctions. If i had continued OMing without training I can’t imagine… I currently have a great OM partner (who was trained by OM trainers) that I’ve been OMing with for over a year, and it’s been a great part of my healing.
Today after our OM i was left with such gratitude that it sparked me to write the first paragraph. Particularly because in today’s OM i was consciously noticing how my vigilance centers are so relaxed these days, my inner manager so quiet, and how that allows for the orgasmic nature of my body to be so fully experienced, in such subtle ways. My body is so receptive, and I have deep gratitude for that after the violent relationship I experienced.
The OM nest, when does well, provides such an amazing environment where it is clear that my orgasm is always mine and that there will never be “tit for tat”. My heart and my pussy feel free to soar together- to their highest peaks and into all hidden caverns- not from a place of performance or to reinforce various sense of self identities or for “other”. This allowance of my system’s full expression as valid is invaluable. ❤
I’ve had some wild rides using my heart to tease out climaxes, no pun intended. Something’s shifted so that my lower chakras are more open these days, and as such my system is more in balance- i.e. able to support what feels like an ever increasing ability to dive into my heart chakra in life.
In my last OM I consciously played with the energy dance between pussy/clit and heart. At times it felt like a synchronized swimming, other times it felt like a call and response, and other times attention stayed a bit glued to one area *or* the other. By the end of the OM there was an over all width of synchronization that was not only between my pussy and my heart, but extended in all directions.
What stood out, however, is that the link between my heart and pussy stayed after the OM was done. It felt as if a neural pathway had developed enough to cause a ridge of permanence: a sustained presence.
This stayed for hours- through a music festival! No joke. This orgasmic presence was a part of me as i travelled through crowds, danced for hours, and hung out with friends.
During one of the shows there was a bit of an odd song being played- the crowd hadn’t found their groove with it and either had i. My body slowed down, and i tuned into the heart/pussy link that i’d been vibing with. All night i had been letting my orgasm move me, and as i slowed my attention down into the heart/pussy vibe, i sunk deeper into my orgasm, and it’s nuanced presence.
My orgasm drew me to my belly, and i felt the vibration there. I stayed course, and let this move my body, into and with the energetic resonance of the music. All of the sudden the energy dropped down toward my pussy and up toward my heart simultaneously and my entire body once again grew wide and deep in orgasm. Not long after my body found an intense amount of energetic expression moving through, and I danced unabandoned for the rest of the band’s performance, and then into the rest of the shows of the evening.
My body had become a fountain of orgasm expressed through wild and spontaneously fluid movement. It felt like the best of acid trips, and yet I had not imbibed any alcohol or drugs. I was literally high on orgasm- and this non ordinary state was being sustained for hours.
Days later and this link is still present. It is not always as “loud”, but it’s still here. Something has woken up, and that waking up tapped into something more sustainable then i’d yet to have experienced. My attentive conscious connection is all that seems to be needed to keep her alive. OM Shanti. ❤
I was raised in a tantric tradition. From ages 23-33 i lived in an ashram that had as it’s lineage kashmir shivaism- a tantric kundalini practice largely based on Siddha Yoga teachings. I was a bahkti student, and the scriptures of the lineage weren’t nearly important to me as the experiential practice and the daily living of it.
What a surprise it was to me to come out of the ashram and be introduced to the new age practice of tantra, which largely seems to focus upon sex. In the ashram, tantra was “applied” to all of live. It was life. From cleaning the toilet bowl, to cooking food, to sex. It was all a sacred practice of love.
I get that that isn’t much of a sell for the modern society, so I understand why and how tantra got hooked up with sex- bc sex sells. And, sometimes you have to get tricky to help people wake up. David Deida, for example, has done a great job and luring people into spirituality under the guise of sex. Unfortunately, some people never grow past that, and think the main point of his teachings is about sexuality (I’d find that somewhat adorable if his followers weren’t often so sexually predatory in nature). People even misunderstand Osho- thinking tantra is about the ecstatic.
Tantra at it’s heart is an embodied, eNstatic, practice. Sure, it can include practices that take you “out”, but the design is sustainable: available at all times because it comes “from within.” I see OMing the same.
OMing might easily be seen, and practiced, as an ecstatic practice. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is fun to go out- or, “up and out”, as we say in the spiritual biz. But embodied and sustainable it’s not.
I figure that’s why Nicole’s design of the practice included a tight container and a strong emphasis/basis of no agenda- particularly with regard to what people often have as an agenda in sex related practices- climax. OMing, at heart, is not about the kind of experience you have. Because anyone in the spiritual biz know that “enlightenment” has nothing to do with experience. As such, this removal of agenda, and focus on experience, puts OMing as more an enstatic practice.
What’s cool is that the design of OMing can help one to really grok this- if the container is truly followed. It actually becomes self evident, no pun intended.
While it’s certainly possible to have an embodied climax, it’s not the norm- attention most readily goes OUT during a climax. As in “mind blown.” It takes more conscious effort to bring a climax down and in. So much effort that it can be impossible for most people.
The beauty of OMing is that it is orgasm focused- and orgasm is sustainable because it comes from within. Orgasm *can be* (if consciously practiced as such) embodied as it can easily be approached enstatically. Again, this becomes self evident if the container is deeply followed and practiced.
I’ll always be a tantra girl, because orgasm just lives and breaths in me (thanks kundalini!). But these days i prefer to think of myself as more zen. Maybe i’ll think of myself as “tantric zen”. Hell, it’s probably already a thing.
Zen quickly strips down the focus from experience- something to achieve- into that which is sustainably present at all times. It’s not flashy like the “modern day” tantra. It doesn’t promise thrill. It won’t give you a quick high.
And, luckily, it doesn’t feed our culture’s heavily addictive personality. Zen won’t be attractive to those who want to get lost in seeking peak experiences, going “up and out”, dissociation, and “feeling good.”
Zen is the opposite- about fully landing here, and now. I happen to think tantra is about that too. But our culture has fucked up that message left and right. So i’ll leave tantra to all those that want “more” and “better”.
My nervous system thanks me for it. OMMMMMMM