The marriage of inner trust and request making

It had been awhile since our last OM. 15 days. Due to a lot of factors, including an “om gone wrong” a couple weeks prior (See the last blog post), I hadn’t been getting a “yes” to his requests to OM. This was perhaps the first time ever that I had turned down an OM.

But after a week of deep rabbit holing all sorts of things- including trust and safety and expectations and the future and other things- I woke up with a text from my OM partner, and I found myself asking him if he’d like to OM this morning.

Earlier this week I had met with a One Taste OM coach and I was officially trained in OM’ing. Even though I’ve been OM’ing for almost a year, there were some things in our practice that had fallen outside of the OM container, so it felt good to get that in order and be true to the container as it was intended. Particularly after the last OM experience I had, I have even more appreciation for the container and the wisdom behind it. But that’s a post for another time. ☺

As the OM started I rested into my body and felt into his finger. As always, my body immediately responded to his touch, and sensations jumped alive in my body. First noticeable was the line that seems to often fire up from my clit to my heart chakra. I felt my attention go all around to my body, and brought it back to my clit repeatedly to feel into what was going on there. I noticed how I had increased sensations when he was “lower” on my clit then higher.

I sat with the contrast for a bit, and I could feel my system adapt to his movement- in the sense that I could let go of my preference and fall into his movement, and find the orgasm in that. I think this is a beautiful thing, and something I’m super adept at- I can find the orgasm in almost anything! I can adapt and love and feel the splendor of almost anything. But that is not the invitation at this time of my life. I’ve got that one figured out! Now it’s time for me to fly, away from the herd and everything I’ve ever known and leaned against if necessary. Adapting has become a way I let myself be held back, from stepping directly into my full creative potential and power. Adaptation can be an amazing skill and resource, but it can also be used to stay in stagnation and settling, and lately that’s where I’ve been finding myself when I adapt. So it’s time to acknowledge the beauty of adapting, and also say goodbye to the seeming safety of it, bc it’s actually not safety at all. It’s death. That’s a post for another time too. ☺

Perhaps all of this is the divine drive behind making requests. OM’ing isn’t about adapting. I can have what I want. THIS IS MY BODY and I can make my request and they will be listened to and honored. My body, my wants, my needs are honored. I laid there and for the first time I could really feel how adapting has served me, AND it has held me back, and now is the time fly out of that nest.

I made a lot of requests this morning. At times it was really hard bc I can SOO easily adapt. I find pleasure in all of om’ing for the most part!! How do I even know what to request or when to request or… And that’s when the word TRUST popped back into my attention.

Trust is pretty much the foundation of my soaring life. It’s something I come back to again and again as I evolve and leave the old behind and evolve into the new. And here I was again, sitting with trust. The first thing that came to me was the old idea of trusting my partner. The oldness of this idea is rooted in referencing to the external: trust in that which is outside me has been a game I’ve long played, which interests me less and less as time goes by, but which still grabs me by the hair from time to time. Laying there getting my clit stroked, I felt the vulnerability of my system laying there- legs open, body exposed, at the “mercy” of my partner, and at the mercy of my ability to adapt. Ohhhhhh!!! But hold on! I remembered that the real trust is not in my partner or the container, it is IN ME. As I fell back into that inner trust, my vigilance system relaxed and I realized that the “hows” of requests would come perfectly as I simply trusted in me. And that is what I did.

I trusted the divinity that was coming through, and I spoke it, not because I thought what would come from making the request would make my experience better, but because that was what was there in the moment. Trust is about only moving from the moment. JUST THIS. The genius of requests (in om’ing and in life) is that it brings one into their body, into their person hood, into being a human being on a planet… in this moment. I don’t actually need to trust my partner- I need to trust myself, and all movements will come from that. I am the determining factor, always, not him. If he is “not trustable” I can trust my movements to reflect that. I simply have to trust myself and the movements that come from that inner trust.

As I fell into my inner trust, the “floor” fell out from under me and my whole lower body came on line. I’ve written about it before, where I feel the “lower” level of my body engage and unite my entire body- this experience is me being fully engaged in my body. Chakras open, system open, in my power and inner truth. The orgasm obviously is much more alive and profound from this place.

The OM continued, and I was able to feel both the body engaged full AND the slightest touch of his finger on my hyper senstive clit. The power of requests and trusting in my inner truth are brilliant and such a vital part of my evolution. Thank you OM!

An OM of reclaiming

The beauty of an OM is that you never know what is going to happen. There is a tight container, so there are some knowns in general. After 15 minutes it will end, for example. But the experience itself unfolds and reveals itself stroke, by breath, by stroke. Thank god for the container. Right?!?!?

Last night’s OM began with me being unusually tired, and him being unusually turned on. I can’t speak for him, but for me it was as if that was my permission slip to enter into the land of passivity. This is a land i’m familiar with- in this land i don’t own my experience, don’t make useful distinctions, don’t show up to my own life/experience, and give my power to someone else. This is a land of anything goes- that might sound and even feel good until you realize you’ve compromised your soul for the sake of appearances.

So, back to the OM. One thing that was really interesting from the get go was how sensitive my clit was. There were times when it was borderline painful, and a couple times i just wanted his finger to stop. I kept surrendering to the intensity, to the experience of having all this energetic attention on my clit. The energy was hovering *right there*. Hard to explain; it felt superficial, surfacy, and on the top of my being. I only was able to give form to that experience after a contrasting experience came in… suddenly my energy dropped- KLUNK- deep into my being. I felt it come- there was a sensation that flowed down my left leg, and then all of the sudden my whole body came on line. Before it had literally been like just a small segment of my body had been plugged in, and then with the klunk the whole of my body plugged in. My sacrum came alive, and from there it shot out through my legs to my feet and up my back to my head.

So there was the contrast, making me aware of what hadn’t been just moments before. Except that even wasn’t enough to wake me up, to stay fully in my body. Slowly i went a bit back off line. Next thing i knew i was on the edge of climax, and my om’er was suspiciously close to masturbating me. As i started to peak i pulled back, realizing that i was moving toward a desire goal of climaxing. Yeah, nothing wrong with that, but for an OMing experience, that’s a very loud flag waving. I brought myself back to the present moment. I didn’t really think much about my OMing partner- i think i figured it had just been a careless error, and that our OM would resume “as is intended”- i.e. as is designed for this the container.

After a bit of “normal” om’ing exploration, the pace of his finger picked up again, and it was clear that we were no longer hovering around the OM container walls- we’d jumped the container’s fence and were now out of the OM experience and into a pursuit of climax. And this is where I quickly aborted the OM ship and ran away with who I’d deemed the captain. I was following the sensations and movements- hot on the trail of a climax. This was way past Oming, and there was no returning… so just fuck it, I thought. (An yes, the “fuck its.” I’m well familiar with this happening, in my work with clients, and of course, with myself.) When the bell chimed at the 15 minute mark, i was edging climax, and knew we’d keep going, bc we’d already abandoned the container. Except that his finger slowed down, and even though my body kept rocking into his finger, coaxing it to join back up with me, it refused. He’d returned to the container. I was left with a body flooded with preclimax hormones, and i was pissed. “You bastard,” i exclaimed. I was angry, and i wanted to climax. He spoke from a calm demeanor, saying soothing words that frankly just pissed me off. I felt betrayed and tricked. Finally, I brought myself back to the moment, and back into the fullness of my being, and i grounded. “Are you upset with me?” he asked? “Yes,” I replied. He said some things in an attempt to explain his actions.

After some silence, as he shared his frame and I listened. I was still stewing inside and I wanted to lash out at him. Which may have been appropriate or justified. But as i returned to my feelings of betrayal, I realize that ultimately it was me who had betrayed myself. Where had my maturity gone? (for Osho lovers, I’d just drawn the Maturity card from his Zen Tarot deck). Where was my commitment to being responsible for my experience? I never once spoke a word during the OM. I didn’t think to make a request, or to ask what he was doing- or if i did, it was quickly in and out with no action there to ground it. Where had I gone?!?!?! Where was my inner truth?

This was a profound experience for me- illustrating just how slippery my relationship to my inner truth is: how easily i leave myself, go to sleep, put someone else in charge. I’m glad that I keep waking up to the display of patterning that for me is often just under the surface. It was a very simple experience- really no big deal. Except that it’s widened my lens. What has been seen can’t be unseen. Waking up comes with responsibility. The bar has been raised, again. Yikes. I’m both excited and eyes wide open/deer in headlights. What this evolution bring?The left brain is doing a wild jig. My heart is stretched.

I’m left pondering this: the ultimate container is my inner truth. My appreciation for the OM container and other created containers just shot up about 100 million times, for how they can really support the development of one’s inner truth.

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I’m reclaiming my heart, #27

I’m reclaiming my heart
After loosing it
again.
This time won’t be the last
I’m sure.

I’m reclaiming my heart
I stepped aside
Forgot about me
And thought about we
moreso maybe thee.

I’m reclaiming my heart
How easy it is to unclaim
Forget about
Relinquish
Dissociate

I’m reclaiming my heart
Poor dear
Got thrown under a bus
In such a subtle way
But death is death

I’m reclaiming my heart
Thank god for the noticing
Of how I ditched her
To wide the ride
Of “loving what is.”

I’m reclaiming my heart
After a brief do-see-do
Of handing her off
To wiles and wonder
She’s back

I’m reclaiming my heart
What a relief to see this one play out
If only gratitude
wasn’t overshadowed
by disapproving guilt

I’m reclaiming my heart
It’s a full time job
To attend to her
With vigilance
And love

Following the thread

It had been 11? days since our last OM. I was perhaps a bit turned on before we even started. 🙂

The second his finger hit my clit, it felt as if a thread or a line ignited- right below my coccyx a bit on the left side. That thread shot up through my back and through my throat. His finger was long gone out of my attention, and this thread was the only thing that seemed to exist. The thread ran straight through what became a surging space of energy at the root chakra. This became my new area of focus, and i breathed in and out of this heat/location.

At one point the energy grid in my system seemed to open up and i had a visual of the meridian system or an actual grid in my body- something you might see on an acupuncturists wall. I could feel the grid in my upper body turn on, and the energy flow up the different threads/meridians that ran through my body. Eventually the threads started to form through the lower part of my body too. And then out my feet. Which then turned into a rhythmic kriya flow moving through my body in a circular flow.

Attention went to and from the clit/finger, and at times the sensitivity of my clit seemed too much, even though i knew my partner was using the lightest of possible touches.

I also had a couple very overwhelming times when i didn’t think i could tolerate it any longer, and would have to get on top of him and rub my clit and yoni on his cock. I also had a very strong urge to get on top of him when his stroke changed for the last 2 minutes- longer strokes often turn me on even more, or just as much. He has assured me that he’ll not deviate from his OM position, even if i try to over power him, but after our OM i asked him if he’d let me do it just one time, to see what that would be like. 😛