An OM of reclaiming

The beauty of an OM is that you never know what is going to happen. There is a tight container, so there are some knowns in general. After 15 minutes it will end, for example. But the experience itself unfolds and reveals itself stroke, by breath, by stroke. Thank god for the container. Right?!?!?

Last night’s OM began with me being unusually tired, and him being unusually turned on. I can’t speak for him, but for me it was as if that was my permission slip to enter into the land of passivity. This is a land i’m familiar with- in this land i don’t own my experience, don’t make useful distinctions, don’t show up to my own life/experience, and give my power to someone else. This is a land of anything goes- that might sound and even feel good until you realize you’ve compromised your soul for the sake of appearances.

So, back to the OM. One thing that was really interesting from the get go was how sensitive my clit was. There were times when it was borderline painful, and a couple times i just wanted his finger to stop. I kept surrendering to the intensity, to the experience of having all this energetic attention on my clit. The energy was hovering *right there*. Hard to explain; it felt superficial, surfacy, and on the top of my being. I only was able to give form to that experience after a contrasting experience came in… suddenly my energy dropped- KLUNK- deep into my being. I felt it come- there was a sensation that flowed down my left leg, and then all of the sudden my whole body came on line. Before it had literally been like just a small segment of my body had been plugged in, and then with the klunk the whole of my body plugged in. My sacrum came alive, and from there it shot out through my legs to my feet and up my back to my head.

So there was the contrast, making me aware of what hadn’t been just moments before. Except that even wasn’t enough to wake me up, to stay fully in my body. Slowly i went a bit back off line. Next thing i knew i was on the edge of climax, and my om’er was suspiciously close to masturbating me. As i started to peak i pulled back, realizing that i was moving toward a desire goal of climaxing. Yeah, nothing wrong with that, but for an OMing experience, that’s a very loud flag waving. I brought myself back to the present moment. I didn’t really think much about my OMing partner- i think i figured it had just been a careless error, and that our OM would resume “as is intended”- i.e. as is designed for this the container.

After a bit of “normal” om’ing exploration, the pace of his finger picked up again, and it was clear that we were no longer hovering around the OM container walls- we’d jumped the container’s fence and were now out of the OM experience and into a pursuit of climax. And this is where I quickly aborted the OM ship and ran away with who I’d deemed the captain. I was following the sensations and movements- hot on the trail of a climax. This was way past Oming, and there was no returning… so just fuck it, I thought. (An yes, the “fuck its.” I’m well familiar with this happening, in my work with clients, and of course, with myself.) When the bell chimed at the 15 minute mark, i was edging climax, and knew we’d keep going, bc we’d already abandoned the container. Except that his finger slowed down, and even though my body kept rocking into his finger, coaxing it to join back up with me, it refused. He’d returned to the container. I was left with a body flooded with preclimax hormones, and i was pissed. “You bastard,” i exclaimed. I was angry, and i wanted to climax. He spoke from a calm demeanor, saying soothing words that frankly just pissed me off. I felt betrayed and tricked. Finally, I brought myself back to the moment, and back into the fullness of my being, and i grounded. “Are you upset with me?” he asked? “Yes,” I replied. He said some things in an attempt to explain his actions.

After some silence, as he shared his frame and I listened. I was still stewing inside and I wanted to lash out at him. Which may have been appropriate or justified. But as i returned to my feelings of betrayal, I realize that ultimately it was me who had betrayed myself. Where had my maturity gone? (for Osho lovers, I’d just drawn the Maturity card from his Zen Tarot deck). Where was my commitment to being responsible for my experience? I never once spoke a word during the OM. I didn’t think to make a request, or to ask what he was doing- or if i did, it was quickly in and out with no action there to ground it. Where had I gone?!?!?! Where was my inner truth?

This was a profound experience for me- illustrating just how slippery my relationship to my inner truth is: how easily i leave myself, go to sleep, put someone else in charge. I’m glad that I keep waking up to the display of patterning that for me is often just under the surface. It was a very simple experience- really no big deal. Except that it’s widened my lens. What has been seen can’t be unseen. Waking up comes with responsibility. The bar has been raised, again. Yikes. I’m both excited and eyes wide open/deer in headlights. What this evolution bring?The left brain is doing a wild jig. My heart is stretched.

I’m left pondering this: the ultimate container is my inner truth. My appreciation for the OM container and other created containers just shot up about 100 million times, for how they can really support the development of one’s inner truth.

___________________________________________________________________________
I’m reclaiming my heart, #27

I’m reclaiming my heart
After loosing it
again.
This time won’t be the last
I’m sure.

I’m reclaiming my heart
I stepped aside
Forgot about me
And thought about we
moreso maybe thee.

I’m reclaiming my heart
How easy it is to unclaim
Forget about
Relinquish
Dissociate

I’m reclaiming my heart
Poor dear
Got thrown under a bus
In such a subtle way
But death is death

I’m reclaiming my heart
Thank god for the noticing
Of how I ditched her
To wide the ride
Of “loving what is.”

I’m reclaiming my heart
After a brief do-see-do
Of handing her off
To wiles and wonder
She’s back

I’m reclaiming my heart
What a relief to see this one play out
If only gratitude
wasn’t overshadowed
by disapproving guilt

I’m reclaiming my heart
It’s a full time job
To attend to her
With vigilance
And love

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