Fine tuning attention

I’ve been exploring the subject/object relationship a lot. Which is to say, the appearance of those things. Magically, as it often seems, last nights OM mirrored my exploration in an exquisite way.

The OM started with me already turned on, my body was alive, and alert- my attention wide and curious. His finger… where was it? My clit turned into a kind radar, trying to locate his finger. The strangest thing happened: I couldn’t quite find the point of contact between clit and finger, but my clit started to contract and pulsate very quickly into the OM. My attention became quite fine tuned, to stay connected with the finger that was apparently there but couldn’t quite be tangibly felt, but very much experienced. Something was happening, that was for sure. I didn’t know what- i didn’t know when he was stroking up or down. I couldn’t  locate speed, or location. But my clit was deliciously alive and I was on trip that I never wanted to end.

I continuously felt my clit contract and pulsate, and stayed right there with my attention. Subject/object would come in and out of attention- most of the time feeling like neither were present but instead something much “larger” and encapsulating. Various happenings cycled:  energy would shoot up my body, gasps would erupt from my mouth, my breathing would hasten into near pants, my yearning would feel like it would kill me, and the exquisite sensations surrounding my pussy were so “delicate” that at times I wanted to cry.

At some point the energy dropped down and my root chakra caught it. Almost simultaneous the energy shot down my legs and up through my torso and out my crown. My heart chakra felt like it was going to burst and overwhelming bliss came in, bringing some tears with it.

I found out later that my stroker was doing super slow and light strokes, which is why I couldn’t track him. And he was really grounded in his system, and attuned to mine. A damn fine combination, apparently. So much yum, in 15 minutes.

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Trauma/emotional releases and OM’ing

I didn’t write about my last OM.  So much came up in 15 minutes, that i didn’t now how to honor during the OM and I didn’t know how to honor it afterwards either. Almost a week later, here I am to write about some things that came up for me about OMing and about experience.
It had been a busy week, with a lot of busy thoughts, and a lot of emotions flowing but not necessarily named. I knew things were right on the surface, and I could literally feel them coming and that they would come with the OM,  but I didn’t know how much or of what variety until the OM started.  I was flooded with emotions of such a strong nature- and I could feel fight, flight and freeze mechanisms arise. Part of me wanted to pause the OM and get up and yell and scream. Part of me wanted to just zone out. And part of me wanted to pause the OM so i could curl up in a ball and sob. That’s a lot to feel while someone is stroking your clit, in a  tightly contained situation!

I felt all these emotions continuously roll through, over and over, different varieties and depths of them. Throughout I kept bringing my attention back to my clit. My attention vacillated between my heart, which at times felt like it breaking, and my first chakra, grounding me continuously deeper into my body and experience, and clit.

Throughout the OM tears fell from my eyes, and the continued desire to leave the nest shook me up from the insides. The anger, the sadness and grief, and the overwhelm from it all raced through me, and there I was flat on my back. That in itself was really challenging!

The other factor was that both my OM partner and I were on tight schedules- I was needing to leave to go pick up my daughter after our OM and he was off to a very important business meeting. This increased the tightness of the container and the push/pull pressure I was experiencing- I was wanting to fully feel what was surfacing, but it didn’t feel like the time or the place or the best container for that to happen.

If I could have done a do-ever, I might have said to him before our OM- “I’m feeling a lot of stuff right now, and it is likely to come out during our OM. Don’t take anything personally that might come through my being.” Time was a factor I couldn’t change, but if i’d had a magic wand and I could have produced more time, I might have said something like: “I might need to even pause the OM, or you might need to pause. Let’s be open to what is needed by both of us.”
This brings me to questions I’ve had before but have never asked because they haven’t come up for me. Is it ok to pause an OM session? Or, slightly different, is it ok to ask the stroker to stop stroking for a bit? The other topic i’m curious about is, what is done when trauma is being released during an OM? As a therapist who deals with my clients trauma all the time, I know how important it is to honor the experience/the expression. While the OM container is amazing, it doesn’t seem to be adequate in dealing with the intense stuff that can surface.Luckily I am very resourceful and also have a lot of resources and people to support me, so after the OM I was able to get what I needed. But I wonder about other women who may not be as resourceful or have the resources I have.

Cutting to the chase, what is on my mind is: sometimes I think 15 minutes just isn’t long enough. And sometimes I think the container is too restrictive for what wants to surface to come out to play. I don’t know how the OM community deals with this, but I’d love to hear from others.

 

Root chakra and vigilance

I had an OM with my usual OM partner today, after a 5 week break. Since our last OM, we’ve both been trained by an OM coach, and have introduced new (for us) bits into our practice, adding to the novelty of the experience.

Today I noticed that it was only a matter of minutes until my root chakra “came on line”, or into attention. My attention started on my clit, and then all of the sudden  clunked “down and in” to my root area. It felt mildly like i’d dropped a level downwards (which is ironic, bc the area seems to be right below the position of the stroking finger during an OM), along with warm sensations and a moving outwards sense of energy- usually starting in one direction and then eventually culminating outwards in all directions, or at the least both down through my legs and up my spine.

After the OM was done I got curious about the root chakra showing up in attention so quickly. This was not the first time- in fact usually i notice some kind of dance of attention btw the root chakra and the stroking finger. But today I pondered it a bit more, particularly as compared to the 2 OM experiences i’d had previously in the week with new OMing partners. It would make sense that there would be more vigilance with the new OM partners, and less with who I  OM’d with today- a person i’ve been OM’ing with for the past year and have been in relationship with the last 6+ months. Without the vigilance, my root chakra came right on line, which would make sense, as the root chakra is often attributed to security and survival. Without my system needing to protect itself or keep watch, it was able to relax and open.

Other interesting bits I noticed: 1. my attention would be mainly on the clit/finger, or on the sacral area and energy moving from there, but not both at the same time. There were a few times when i noticed a weaving of the energies/areas/attention- as if the areas were not separate areas, but one larger area. Some kind of syncing up. 2. Toward the end I started to feel energy build in my left lower leg and foot, which then flowed into my partners right leg, and wove it’s way up my body in a figure 8, and then back down in a figure 8. This too has happened before. 3. The last thing I was noticing was how keeping my mouth closed (nostril breathing) seemed to influence my experience. I am doing a larger experiment where I am trying to mainly nostril breath all the time, so I extended it to today’s OM as well. The first thing I noticed about this was the lack of sound that was coming out of me. The intensity of the orgasm was there but not the vocalization of the pleasure. Eventually that shifted a bit, if i remember. It seemed that breathing with my mouth closed seemed to contain the experience in a way. To be honest, I lost track of this throughout the OM, and what I did notice wasn’t retained. I’d like to continue to explore how this impacts my OM’ing experience.

New OMs

I wrote about recruiting new people to OM with in my last blog post. I met with both people and told them about OMing and my OMing experiences. Both were then trained by an OM coach and watched various videos on OMing. And then we OM’d!

Both OMs went really well. Which is to say – I made requests, keep attention on my clit, experience orgasmic aliveness, and experienced some ease with each person throughout the process. So that’s my over all assessment.

From a more refined assessment, I’m drawn to explore the sense of vigilance. There was more vigilance experienced during both OMs then I typically experience due to a lot of factors- three  factors include it was the first time for both OM strokers, I barely know either of them (had only met them one time before), and since there was no live coach present I was in the position of teaching them while receiving. OMing is quite simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s not easy. Despite the Skype coaching sessions, talking with me, and watching various OM videos, it seems that truly groking that this practice has nothing to do with masturbating a woman takes time. There are built in assumptions that can’t help but be brought into an OM session- or any situation for that matter. The common “mistakes” that I mostly noticed was the incorrect positioning and movement of the hands/fingers/stroking finger. While it might sound simple to instruct “touch with as much pressure as you’d touch your eye lid”, it can get translated into something differently by the brain. So, “lighter pressure”, “smooth even strokes”, “shorter stroke” and “slower” were my repeated requests.

I am certainly not saying anything went wrong, or that the strokers did anything wrong. What i’m noticing is that without live instruction, my vigilance centers were a bit more turned on as i was paying closer attention to  fumbling fingers.  It was further complicated by the fact that I couldn’t actually see what was going on- I could sense that hands weren’t in proper placement, that the fingers weren’t pulling back the hood, and so on, but I only had sensations to guide me. So in a sense, vigilance came as I was trying to figure out what was going on down there!

I will say that my vigilance was able to relax quite a bit throughout the OM at various points. And by the end of the session, both of them really seemed to  get the hang of the practice, and there was more of a settling in experience all around. To be honest I think the they both did great for their first time!

My OM coach has offered to train live (using Skype) and I’m really excited about that. It feels like I will be able to let her take charge of the technical aspects, while I can continue to let the sensations guide me into making particular requests.

Some vigilance came in ways that were surprising, although upon reflection I can see how the vigilance was similar to some things that were present when  I first started OMing a year ago.  Mainly, there was an internal questioning and editing of my innate responses of receiving pleasure- body movements, noises, undulations, etc.  With these new strokers, I was worried at times of being too turned on! I was worried they’d think that it meant I’d want to have sex with them. I was worried that they think I was being too dramatic. Basically, I was worried that they’d judge me and that they’d make my response to mean something other then what they were. This was really cool to see, as this kind of vigilance comes forth in various situations in my life. I was able to see these displays of vigilance, and then let them be- to let my body fall into the orgasm, so to speak. I don’t think I was able to let go fully, but i think this will happen with time. It’s just part of the process of trusting that my orgasm is safe, needs no defending, and is beautiful.

Super grateful for the new OMing experiences, for my OM coach, and for those who support OMing. I wish there was an OMing hub where i live! 😀

Branching out…

I set up an OK Cupid account long ago whose purpose was to find people to OM with. I loved my experiences with my OM partner, but I didn’t like the idea of having to rely on him for OMing. I had some nervousness about stepping into the world of “interviewing” OM partners, so with the frequent OM’ing I was experiencing I never found the motivation to respond to people who seemed up for it. But then my OM partner and I deciding to take break. Since there are no other OMers in my community it seemed like the perfect time to put my toe into the waters and see what I could create!

The journey of finding new OM partners has been fascinating, entertaining, nerve wracking, and revealing. Thank goodness for Sarah, the OM coach who officially trained me, nearly a year after I started my OM practice. She helped me to see how my own OM practice had lost some of the container integrity, but also offered to train possible OM partners I found in my area. SCORE!!!

I met with two people who replied to my OKC account. In both situations I was clear that I wanted to engage in a strictly OM relationship. Even with that clarity, I’d notice thoughts come in to sabotage the non romantic and non sexual container that I was really longing for. Really nice biceps. The fact that I wasn’t having any sex. Etc. Yet, I kept returning to my clarity, over and over. It felt really important to me that when I was relating to each of the candidates that I be super clear that this had nothing to do with a relationship, with romance, or with sex. I fielded lots of questions from both candidates, and with each of them I found clarity with in myself and moved from that. It felt really profound and important to find that clarity in myself, FIRST,  and move from that place, as opposed to responding to someone else’s clarity. Go me!!!!

After the candidates passed the “in-person meeting test”, I introduced them to Sarah via email, and  each of them got themselves trained. Even though I was wanting to find new OM patterns, I wanted it to be as easy and mature as possible. I gave both of them the information, and then left it up to them to get trained/follow through. No hand holding, no encouraging, no mothering. Both of them did exactly that!

Today I had my first OM with one of the candidates (I will write about that in my next post)! And while I was in that OM, I got a text from the other candidate requesting an OM. I’m excited about returning to the practice of OMing! And continue to be grateful for all that it teaches me.