Not holding on

Earlier today I had been in meditation when guidance came through with the words “stop holding on”. I hadn’t realized it, but there was a subtle holding on in form and thought, and when those words came through there was a profound unwinding that occurred.  Perhaps my system was still exploring “holding on” because that when I laid down to OM today the intention came to “not hold on”. For a split second my mind went into “so, what does that mean?!?! Do I not make requests? Do I…?” And then I remembered that I don’t have to figure anything out, and that the present moment will take care of itself as i lean into “not holding on.” Phew. 🙂  After that left brain stuff was out of the way, it felt like a really beautiful invitation, and I could feel my system relax immediately in surrender.

Things felt very spacious as the intention floated in and out of my attention. There was a subtle and fluid “releasing” happening and not a lot of intensity. Then, all of the sudden, I felt the orgasm spring forth, and there was a direct line from my clit to my throat, and then into my heart. The intention kept coming into my attention and it seemed like the data in my attention data was coming and going, very quickly. What seemed to remain was perhaps the longest peak orgasm I can remember in an OM. I don’t know how long, but maybe 8 minutes. During that time my orgasm was very big, and was both within me and around me. It seemed that I was going to explode, as the peak just continued to very subtly build, or sometimes remain somewhat constant. There were moments where I wanted to scream- perhaps to release some of the intensity. It felt like a very high and deep orgasmic wave was being ridden.

At some point my attention shifted and my feet and legs dropped into attention- they felt like they were plugged into a socket, buzzing with electricity. This electricity flowed upward through my hole body- my body was shaking- and at the same time my energy field was dropping downward- releasing more and more.

The bell rang. Down strokes. Grounding. Sharing frames, “That was a lot of energy!” Sweetness. Surrender. Gratitude.

Requests and self love

Yesterday I wrote about self love: Journey of always: self love.  I discovered in a deeply profound way that making requests is a form of self love. This was so exciting for me to experience via direct experience that I want to spend more time exploring it.

First I’m going to talk about wants because in my experience they too are part of self love, and also open one up to requests. It seems to me that while OMing wants arise. They arise very quickly sometimes, and may be barely noticed as wants, but underneath each request is some kind of subtle want. Even though the want may not be identified, the container provides a safe space in which to have them, and that is significant. Our vigilance centers are down, and we become tuned into the subtle wants of our bodies, and then we get to “go after them” through requests. This entire movement is a profound movement of self love- to allow oneself to want, and then to love oneself enough to get that want attended to by making a request. We get to honor ourselves/our wants, speak on our own behalf, and then receive the gift of having wants attended to- all because we’ve loved ourselves enough to open ourselves up to OMing  in the first place. The OM container/experience can be so amazingly empowering in offering such variety of ways to love ourself.

The beautiful thing about the OM container is that it provides a safe arena to experiment with making requests because all requests are taken in by the stroker- in other words, the stroker never says “no.” If the request doesn’t feel like it’s met then I can make the request again, and again, if necessary, until the request is met. In my own experience I have never had a request that ultimately wasn’t met. The OM container has provided me with so much practice in connecting to subtle wants, and then putting them into form via requests. Its been the prefect practice for honoring and loving myself, and it has set the stage for engaging in life in a similar way.

My OM practice has bled into my life in amazing ways. Part of my own inner work and as well as work I have been doing with clients is name and then to lean into wants. When there is dissonance, discomfort, and/or unsettledness I often invite myself or my client to dream into this question: “what am I wanting right now?” The answers are extremely varied and might be show up as something concrete to something abstract or emotional  (I am wanting to feel a blanket around me, I am wanting to feel this contracted sensation in my belly, I am wanting to feel adored).

Have you ever let yourself deeply want?  Too often culture  either demonizes wants, skips over them, and/or turns them into demands without feeling them. So when I invite myself to deeply want, sometimes more dissonance pops up at first- which is great because then I get the opportunity to clear out a lot of stuff i didn’t know I had laying around (dissonance/belief systems/baggage).  After that starts to get cleared out, and I can feel the want without cluttered thoughts,  it starts to feels really good and at the same time freeing because the good/bad/fears (dissonance/limiting beliefs) have been cleared out. At this point the want often becomes sweet and loving. And after awhile I notice that the want itself starts to shift, because as it’s been fully allowed, there is no longer resistance to it, and so the significance attached to it falls away.

A personal example, a month or so ago I was feeling into my nervous system and was feeling really unsettled. I asked myself what it wanted, and the response was “I want to be adored.” I had a lot of resistance to that at first! I was met with feelings of weakness, inadequacy, embarrassment, and so on. As I explored those different parts that showed up, and let them all be honored, they started to loose their power. Eventually I allowed myself to deeply dive into wanting to be adored. I bathed in this sentiment, really allowed every part of my being to feel this want deep within me. And then I did I went one step further and expressed it to my boyfriend and posted it in a face book group. I was met with more internal discomfort, and sat with that, allowing the dissonance to pass through. Eventually there was no dissonance, absolutely nothing “bad” or even “good” about wanting to be adored. It just was. It felt very allowing and accepting of myself to “let” myself have this want, and for there not to be any dissonance in response. It felt sweet and loving, toward myself. Funny enough, after a very short period of time I noticed that this want shifted, and I could barely remember the “me” that wanted to be adored. What is not resisted often does not persist. 🙂

Back to requests. When I can name and own my wants, then I can extend that and make requests. I can ask the people in my life if they can help me get what I’m wanting. For example, I might be wanting not to drive in the snow due to various reasons (the underlying want might be- I want to feel safe, or I want ease, or I want to be taken care of, etc) and so I can ask my friend if she’d come pick me up. Unlike in an OM, there is no guarantee that my friend will say yes, but the worst that might happen is that I’ll have to feel/connect with myself with whatever comes next. Maybe there will be an opportunity for my friend and I to enter into a conversation about what’s going on with both of us. Either way, I’ve connected with myself, which is a way I can love myself, and I’ve also possibly connected with my friend, which also can feel really satisfying and a way to experience love.

I love how the OMing container/practice  provides me with a framework where I can continue to study and practice self love, in ways that feel safe, natural and beautiful.  I love that as I continue to practice the expressions of self love in the OM container, my being seems to feel more confident and whole, and that I am able to feel that wholeness outside of the container, in every day life. And I love how actions of self love in the container get to be mirrored outside the container in all sorts of profound and beautiful ways as I engage in life.

 

 

 

The Journey of always: self love

I hadn’t OM’d with him in awhile- months. A lot has happened since then. But today is today, and he’s due shortly. Thoughts of canceling spring up, but something is being called forth, and I listen to the call to stay on course with the agreement to OM.

I peruse the underlying unsettledness. Where am I in life? My boyfriend. My father. My daughter. My work. Where am I? Who am I? What am I wanting and needing? What’s being called, from the depths?

I search for an intention for this OM. What am I wanting? In a split second they roll on through: I want clarity, understanding. I want connection. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want love. I’ve hit the jackpot. Love. Yes, i want love from others but I want so much more. I want what is being called for in every moment, the journey of always: self love.

I’ve got a client scheduled on the heels of this OM- i’m on strict time line. I let my OM’er know, and we get down to it. As we start the grounding process I bring my intention into attention and breath it in- receiving, being open to and curious about experiencing and perceiving self love. There’s some awkwardness as his fingers become reacquainted with my pussy and the OM’ing structure- this is his third OM with me, and his third OM ever. I’m wondering what’s going on down there and then it becomes apparent that the time to make requests has arrived. Confident and knowing, requests come out of my mouth instructing him what to do with as much precision as i can find. He complies with yummy willingness.  Moments of explosions start to happen. The requests keep coming, and he keeps taking them in. The orgasmic flow has started to trickle, and I’m turned on. My vocal cords start to vibrate and sounds emit. My body is undulating.  I’m in heaven, and heaven is about to get even better as more fine tuned requests surface. I also let him know that he’s doing great- because he really is. My system is relaxed, my vigilance centers undetected, and i’m perceiving openness and the sweet rise of climax.

I am noticing aliveness throughout my whole body, my legs, my clit, around my body, up through my core, out my mouth. My intention flickers in and out of awareness- how I’m noticing self love comes into my attention, and it becomes apparent how the whole OM is one big expression of self love.  I’ve been honoring and loving myself through  this entire OM: my willingingness and readiness to make request after request, my body surrendering, my heart opening, my pelvic floor softening, my expanded awareness, my vocal expressions, my undulations, and my over all letting go and taking in- they are all been ways I have opened myself up to experiencing and perceiving self love. I am honored to know myself in this way. I am grateful to pay homage to my beingness in such a way.

The second bell rings and his finger is still in original clit stroking position. I suspect he doesn’t want want to interrupt my very obvious orgasmic flowerings and doesn’t know what to do, and I notice that I’m finding myself once again right on the edge of breaking the container and forgoing distinctions because I’m really enjoying the pleasure so much. Catching this pattern is another showing of self love, and then acting on it -telling him that he needs to move onto the down strokes and then into grounding-  is an even more expression of self love. For me, it’s actually profound.  Making distinctions is such an obvious way to love myself, to truly honor myself, and they are often what gets thrown out the window. Thank you distinctions. Thank you find tuned attention. Thank you self love.

We part ways, and I run up the stairs to my first Zoom client. I am flushed. I am turned on. I am alive. And I am love.

 

 

I’m reclaiming my heart #38, Ode to OM

Awkwardness.

Fear.

Unsettledness.

Acknowledgement.

I’m reclaiming my heart

 

Curiosity.

Doubt.

Excitement.

A door peaks open.

I’m reclaiming my heart.

 

Intention.

Eyes and ears open.

Receiving beauty.

Presence of breath.

I’m reclaiming my heart.

 

A deep knowing

The web of love

dancing through

life.

I’m reclaiming my heart.

 

Spread open.

Nowhere to go.

Push and prod.

Here we go.

I’m reclaiming my heart

 

Speaking.

Wanting.

Requesting.

Yearning.

I’m reclaiming my heart

 

Desire

floods.

Orgasmic capillaries

transmute into rivers.

I’m reclaiming my heart.

 

I’m saturated in love

that came from

deserts and jungles inside me.

Sweetness.

I’m reclaiming my heart.

 

Leaning into Perceiving

I do inquiry for a living- I get paid to help people inquire into their own experience, and I inquiry as a hobby- I spend a lot of time exploring and inquiring into my own experience. It seems that inquiry always makes it’s way into OM’ing at some point or another (at this point in my life it feels like inquiry is always “just happening”), but this morning something more specific came into my attention. In my mediation this morning a specific experiment suddenly popped forth from guidance:  OM while inquiring into perceiving, and into who/what was perceiving. This is a bit like  Ramana’s “who am I” inquiry, meets Nisargadatta’s “I am that,” distilled down into perceiving/who is perceiving.

The thing is, however, is that my OM partner and I are in a bit of flux atm. The guidance very clearly came through… to do this experiment with my OM partner. But because we’er not even really talking right now it made almost no sense to contact him! And yet guidance doesn’t necessarily make sense, and I know this. I am committed to trusting guidance- so I knew I had to contact him and ask him to OM. Oh boy!!!  As he was on his way over I checked in with my nervous system. Having come right out of a client session, I was already in my body with little content running in my mind. But there was some general nervousness and slight worry.  I trusted that despite our disconnect we’d be able to have a clear OM.  Trust is really amazing. I trusted my own pure intent in wanting to OM, and as I continued to lean in, I trusted that he would show up with good intent as well. The experience of that was really beautiful, and I could feel my nervous system relax and open. The main thing left in my attention was excited-ness and curiosity with regard to the experiment and how it would go. I felt very child like and playful. And to honor my OM partner for a moment, whatever disconnect we’d been experiencing personally seemed to go on the back burner as he sat down in the container to OM. That is something to be honored for sure!

We spent a little extra time grounding in the container, and began. The first thing that I noticed was a subtle pulsing that was floating on my pussy. Not on my clit, but to the right side. I saw colors and felt warmth. The pulsations seemed to gently dance up and down, and then the dance extended and went up and around my clit and back to the original area. It was as if my clit was being cradled, loved. This was a very sweet way to start an OM. 🙂

I can’t begin to possibly write about all the gorgeous valleys and peaks that I experienced as I  let the inquiry of “perceiving/who-what is perceiving” lead the way. Each time  the inquiry was in my attention, my awareness would expand in multitudes- letting in more and more data, more and more sensations, more and more space and exquisiteness. My body physically gyrated and danced. Loud gasps spontaneously exploded from my mouth, which turned into laughter or giggles a couple times. At one point the sensations of climax arose in my attention, but instead of them being localized in my clit, the sensations were traveling along a cord of sorts that went into the sky. Moans and cries of delight. My clit felt as if it was being made love to, not by a finger, but by god. My beingness was being made love to by that which can’t be named or identified, but which “I” exist within.  After the bell dinged and he started to down stroke, a surge of energy flew up to my heart and tears spilled as my heart expanded.

I sit with gratitude for the inspiration for today’s experiment, and for the tight container of OMing. How to even explain this…  the seemingly linear OM exercise became infinite and without limitation. It is for sure a paradox- that the clear container of an OM, with very succinct instruction, and the seemingly simple movement of a half inch stroke of a clit, can explode into that which can’t really even be talked about. From the precise form of OMing, formlessness is birthed- the subject/object limitation drops and the essence of all beingness is invoked.

Once again, thank you OM. Once again, thank you guidance. And once again, thank you OM partner.