Direct experience of raw sensation

During the first couple months of OMing I had a ton of mental pictures come up while being stroked. My attention would fight between the raw sensation of a finger stroking my clit, and mental activity. Images were particularly strong: the images of a finger fucking me, images fucking my OM partner,  images of my partner sucking my pussy, images of me sucking my partners cock, me climaxing, etc- you see the theme. The simple act of getting my clit stroked was overlaid (no pun intended) with a lot of imagined sexual activities. A lot these images were images I’d actually have in my minds eye when I was climaxing- images that, it seems, over time I’d unknowingly used to help myself climax. Which is funny because it never seemed that I used visualizations like a lot of people- i.e. i didn’t fantasize much about others, even when masturbating. Instead I was apparently imagining my own body! I think that the images were so overshadowed by the sensations that I didn’t notice them.

Everything slows down in OMing. I was gradually able to see how I associated certain sensations with climaxing- more specifically, with the arrival of a climax. I was able to see that when those sensations would arise I’d *want* to climax. And if I wanted to climax- once I could feel that burning desire- there was an automatic inclination to use images to “get me there.”  Since there is no “getting there” in OMing, there was a constant invitation to drop all that was associated with getting anywhere.  It took a long time for me to drop the images the moment I noticed them/the moment the desire to climax arose. I had to keep reminding myself- return to raw sensations, return to raw sensation!, return to raw sensation!!!!!!! This has been profound in so many ways in my life. To experience raw sensations throughout my body without the overlay of words and images is truly freedom.

I was reminded of this during today’s OM. I was overwhelmed with an unusually fierce longing to climax, and I *knew* I could make it happen if I stepped outside of the present moment just a tiny bit and conjure up what was needed “to get there.” The yearning uncomfortably was strong and took me off guard. I was soaking wet and could feel my pussy juices through my folds. My back was aching to arch into him, and there was no holding that back a couple times before I realized that my body was trying to get something going on. I could feel the dilemma- the struggle- going on inside of me. These thoughts lassoed round and round: “Come back to direct experience Lisa!” “Oh come on! I just want to climax!!!” “Fine! just go for it!”  But something would stop me and each time I’d drop the trying (there’s that word again) and surrender to the process of OMing.

Clearly there’s not anything *wrong* with using visualizations in life. And of course there is nothing wrong with climaxing. But one of the things I love about OMing is the invitation to drop all the various ways we buffer from being in the present moment. Living in visualizations is a step out of present moment- it is a subtle (or sometimes overt) way to live from/off of mental images as opposed to being in direct experience itself. Living in imagination can be great fun, but mental activity is always a step out of the moment. Raw sensation happens in real time- they happens in the present now. And there is so much to feel, here and now. So much!!!

I love how OMing brings me to experience the present moment over and over. Here and now- where there is nothing to do and no where to go but follow guidance of Now-  attuned to/with the intense aliveness of raw sensations.

Dancing with rejection (aka 15 minutes, mind blown!)

I don’t want to write about this morning’s OM. Because I’m not even that person I was who laid down to OM 2 hours ago.

I don’t want to write about this morning’s OM. Trying to understand what happens in this relative thing of time and space is exhausting.

I don’t want to write about this morning’s OM. Life makes no sense, and I’m fine to keep it that way, in this moment. What a relief, to not have to understand or make sense of, to give cause and effect, to make linear conclusions.

I don’t want to write about this morning’s OM. Because.

I don’t want to write about this morning’s OM. But writing is happening, and here I am.

This morning’s OM almost didn’t happen. I woke up feeling weird. Well, I went to bed feeling weird.

Things had taken a turn for the “weird”at some point while out on a date last night. Not bad weird, but different weird. One moment I was turned on and engaged, and then suddenly things felt different. I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I couldn’t find anything wrong. Things just different. Once I was home that off feeling continued to be noticed, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was it X? Was it Y? I couldn’t find it in story, in an emotion or in my body.  And it didn’t feel useful to try to figure it out (see yesterday’s blog post on trying), which, as a recovering “trying” addict, felt quite good to be honest. Having the tendency to try to delineate and draw conclusions, and it was a relief to not have to do that, and instead to just acknowledge that shit felt weird.

Then came sleep. Jealous dreams. *Not* my favorite kind of dreams. I don’t like conflict. I don’t like antagonism. I don’t like the push/pull of jealousy. As I started to wake sentiments of the dream were still fresh. I faded in and out of sleep- while half asleep my brain did a bit of a reframe, shifting the story. But the weirdness was still there. And now there was anger. And I wanted to find a place for this anger to land. I wanted to find the cause. I wanted to find the source. I wanted to delineate and figure out- to make sense of what i was feeling. Ah. Yup, there’s that trying mechanism. There’s nothing wrong with inquiring into a feeling, but that’s not what was going on. I was trying to find an intellectual explanation so that I no longer had to feel the discomfort and uncertainty that was happening. Having once again spotted the mechanism, I waved the white flag of surrender. “Ok anger. Have it your way. I’m pissed. I don’t have to find a cause. I’m just gonna be angry.”

Meanwhile, my partner was on his way over for an OM. I had been tempted to say no, because I could feel something brewing, and my tendency is to want to hide while that’s happening. But recently I’ve decided to OM even when my rational mind or ego says don’t. I’ve decided to OM even when I’m mad at my partner. Or mad in general. Or sad. Or when we’re feeling disconnected. So I accepted the OM. And I continued to acknowledge my anger, and the storm brewing.

Stories were dancing around in my attention as I was doing things around the house, as I was feeling this anger. At some point a light bulb went off and I realized it was fear of rejection/feelings of rejection that were showing up in my system. And the anger was the preemptive attempt to find safety in the rejection dance I was perceiving. Defense. I continued to stay with my experience.

As we started to prepare for the OM I let him know I was in a bit of a weird space, but that I didn’t have anything to talk about at that moment. It’s at this point, when the timer was started, that things get really hazy, but here goes: My clit was so sensitive, and with every stroke my equally sensitive heart clenched. This heart/clit connection was immense. Eventually my attention landed manly in what felt like a deep and innocent sorrow in my heart.  I could feel the very real sense of rejection in my system- I felt small and young and vulnerable. I repeatedly grounded my foot into his foot- it felt like my being was clinging onto that connection of his foot and my foot for dear life. As if it/he were to leave, I’d disappear. It felt scary. It felt like my survival was in his hands. That I was nothing without him. As I stayed with the fear, surrendered to the fear, loud sobs poured out me. A very old part of me wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, to escape from this world and retreat into my own. Another part of me was aware that I could stay with this fear of rejection and abandonment, while also dropping attention back to my clit/ into sensation/body.

This was profound for me. Another reference to yesterday’s blog post: the pattern to try and disappear myself is profound in the history of  Lisa. I could feel that pattern tempt me during the OM, and then me not succumbing to it. Instead I was able to allow the scared Lisa to show up, while not disappearing myself in the process. (Any time patterns shift is cause for celebration, so let me just pause for a quick WOOOHOOOOO!!!! whilst high-fiving myself.)  My attention kept staying with sensation in my pussy, and all that was present with regards to the fear of rejection. At one point I requested that my parter tell me “I’m not going anywhere”, which he did. I felt some self consciousness making this request, and I wasn’t sure if that was in the OM rule book, but fuck it, I did it anyway. I don’t know if him saying it did much for my system (how believable it felt), but it did feel profound that I allowed myself to make this request. It was me showing up for me, me not going anywhere, me not rejecting/abandoning me- which was really what this was all about to begin with.

Shortly after that my system started to settle. The crying stopped, the fight/flight/freeze responses subsided and I was able to deeply engage with my partners’ finger on my pussy. I connected with sensations as mine, with pleasure that was mine, with orgasm that was mine. None of it was being given to me. None of it was dependent upon him. None of it was his, from him, about him, on any level. All of it was happening within/as my field of awareness, that had no edges or boundaries or location. It was inherent to consciousness itself, and as such, could never been rejected or abandoned.

15 minutes.  *mind blown*

 

Letting go and showing up

I’ve been exploring ‘trying.’ Trying to be a good girlfriend/person. Trying to be conscious. Trying to be open. Trying not to upset people. Trying to do it right. Dear god. Trying, trying, trying… It’s exhausting. With it comes a sense of seeking/striving, holding/holding on, constriction, narrowed vision, ideas of good/bad/right/wrong that occupy my attention and limit/influence my experience in the world. I can viscerally feel it, in my body- which I’m so grateful for because for years it was out of my attention. Now I can literal feel this trying mechanism, and once spotted and acknowledged, the mechanism naturally starts to loose power.  It such a relief to name something that’s been hanging out in the dark for years, running the show- to bring it out into the light, where it has less power, where it can be consciously explored and inquired into. Phew.

Trying was on my mind this morning and it resonated to play with it during our OM. As the OM started I explored any sense of trying that might be happening- I couldn’t find any, and in that moment, with the very first stroke I felt a huge burst of sensation from my pussy shoot up my body. And in the very next stroke I felt a huge wave of energy go in and downward, moving my whole body. I chuckled- this not trying stuff was pretty hot! My body was fully turned on, and the orgasms were flowing. And then things got kinda weird.

Not weird in a bad way, but in a kinda nebulous way.  I wasn’t sure where my partners finger was and I wasn’t sure where to guide him. (There wasn’t much light in my room and although I’d (rather passively) suggested we’d find a light source, my partner didn’t want to turn any lights on.) I wondered if that was part of the problem, and at one point almost asked him if we could turn on a light, but I didn’t. At one point I made a request, which was fulfilled,  and he asked for feedback, which I gave. There were periods of brief orgasmic flow, but in general there was the sense of some disconnect.  Meanwhile, I was still playing with this idea of trying. What is the line at which trying becomes trying? Is making requests ‘trying’? Is offering feedback trying? Is speaking what was on my mind trying? Is insisting on finding a light trying, when your partner seems opposed? During this OM I censored myself a couple times because I didn’t want my partner to take what I had to say as me being critical of him. I wasn’t sure what requests to make, and instead of saying something, anything!,  I said nothing. I could feel how, in my exploration of “not trying”I had shut myself down and I had stopped showing up- for my OM, for my partner, for my pussy, for my life, for me. (In retrospect it blows me away how subtle this stuff is, and how quickly it shows up, unknown to me in the moment, but glaringly obvious later).

It seems  to be a fine line of where trying and showing up for one’s life intercept- perhaps that’s a life long study in and of itself! I can see that in my own life I fluctuate between trying really hard (trying to make things be a certain way), and not showing up at all (this might actually be a passive kind of trying- trying to pretend things don’t matter, for example). I get in my boyfriend’s business, for example, or I just say fuck it, and pretend he/the issue doesn’t exist/matter. In the first, there is an active trying mechanism running the show, and in the second I bail on the relationship/on my intimate journey with myself-for both I cease to show up for myself. Neither allows for much deepening into my journey has a human being, and neither allow for much deepening into my relationship.

We both wanted a “re-do” after that first OM, so after a short talk we decided to OM again. The topic of the light returned as we were settling back into the nest. He continued to think think the light wasn’t a factor. I continued to intuit that it was actually important, and influencing the quality of the experience, but I remained passive, as I continued to dance with not “stepping on his toes.”  I acquiesced to him, and giving up on my intuition. Luckily my intuition kept tugging on me so right before he started the timer I finally showed up- and I  literally started to sit up- “I’m going to turn on the light.” He had me lie back down, and he got up and turned on a light.  Once the OM began, we both felt more present. I was more present to and with myself, and he engaged my pussy in a way that felt more present from within himself.

Just as before, orgasmic waves came from the first strokes. But this time the waves continued throughout the OM. We were both more present in and grounded in our bodies. There was a flow between us. I dropped trying to follow where his finger was or where my clit actually was, and made requests to where I wanted his finger to go without knowing why. I followed the sensation, regardless of where it was in my body. Early on, maybe even in those first few strokes, there was such an amazing fire in my pussy- exquisite was the word that came. This fire flew right up to my heart and upper chest and I could feel a sweet opening happen, and again the word exquisite came. I was in this chest/heart area for quite awhile, no attention on my pussy. Eventually attention danced back to my pussy, and throughout the OM that dance continued in different ways.

There was a period where I requested him to move a certain way. I really wasn’t sure where his finger was in relation to my clit. It seemed, to my rational mind, that where I was requesting him to go was probably above where my clit actually was. I dropped trying to do it right, and just made the request. I never really knew where he was- if his finger was really on my clit- I just know that it felt so delicious and perfect. Who cares if he wasn’t on my clit? He was attending to some part of my pussy that really wanted attention, and it felt good to honor that. It felt like another way I was showing up for me.

I’m excited to continue this study of ‘trying’ and showing up. As I continue to contemplate and dream into this, trying seems to engage the cognitive/mental process, and more of the reptilian brain/left brain. Certainty. Limitation. Fixedness. Active trying or passive trying seem to beckon a sense of grasping or giving up. In contrast, showing up seems to engage the body and spirit- something “within” me, so to speak. Possibility. Curiosity. Wonder. Right right brain centers of creation.

Simply put, to show up for one self, there must be an allowing and a letting go that is journeyed into and explored. Once grasping/giving up start to fall away, presence naturally enters in, and I can settle  into the grounded space of Being. It is from this place that being turned on ignites, and from where orgasm flows. It is here that I fully show up. OMMMMMM.

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