Letting go and showing up

I’ve been exploring ‘trying.’ Trying to be a good girlfriend/person. Trying to be conscious. Trying to be open. Trying not to upset people. Trying to do it right. Dear god. Trying, trying, trying… It’s exhausting. With it comes a sense of seeking/striving, holding/holding on, constriction, narrowed vision, ideas of good/bad/right/wrong that occupy my attention and limit/influence my experience in the world. I can viscerally feel it, in my body- which I’m so grateful for because for years it was out of my attention. Now I can literal feel this trying mechanism, and once spotted and acknowledged, the mechanism naturally starts to loose power.  It such a relief to name something that’s been hanging out in the dark for years, running the show- to bring it out into the light, where it has less power, where it can be consciously explored and inquired into. Phew.

Trying was on my mind this morning and it resonated to play with it during our OM. As the OM started I explored any sense of trying that might be happening- I couldn’t find any, and in that moment, with the very first stroke I felt a huge burst of sensation from my pussy shoot up my body. And in the very next stroke I felt a huge wave of energy go in and downward, moving my whole body. I chuckled- this not trying stuff was pretty hot! My body was fully turned on, and the orgasms were flowing. And then things got kinda weird.

Not weird in a bad way, but in a kinda nebulous way.  I wasn’t sure where my partners finger was and I wasn’t sure where to guide him. (There wasn’t much light in my room and although I’d (rather passively) suggested we’d find a light source, my partner didn’t want to turn any lights on.) I wondered if that was part of the problem, and at one point almost asked him if we could turn on a light, but I didn’t. At one point I made a request, which was fulfilled,  and he asked for feedback, which I gave. There were periods of brief orgasmic flow, but in general there was the sense of some disconnect.  Meanwhile, I was still playing with this idea of trying. What is the line at which trying becomes trying? Is making requests ‘trying’? Is offering feedback trying? Is speaking what was on my mind trying? Is insisting on finding a light trying, when your partner seems opposed? During this OM I censored myself a couple times because I didn’t want my partner to take what I had to say as me being critical of him. I wasn’t sure what requests to make, and instead of saying something, anything!,  I said nothing. I could feel how, in my exploration of “not trying”I had shut myself down and I had stopped showing up- for my OM, for my partner, for my pussy, for my life, for me. (In retrospect it blows me away how subtle this stuff is, and how quickly it shows up, unknown to me in the moment, but glaringly obvious later).

It seems  to be a fine line of where trying and showing up for one’s life intercept- perhaps that’s a life long study in and of itself! I can see that in my own life I fluctuate between trying really hard (trying to make things be a certain way), and not showing up at all (this might actually be a passive kind of trying- trying to pretend things don’t matter, for example). I get in my boyfriend’s business, for example, or I just say fuck it, and pretend he/the issue doesn’t exist/matter. In the first, there is an active trying mechanism running the show, and in the second I bail on the relationship/on my intimate journey with myself-for both I cease to show up for myself. Neither allows for much deepening into my journey has a human being, and neither allow for much deepening into my relationship.

We both wanted a “re-do” after that first OM, so after a short talk we decided to OM again. The topic of the light returned as we were settling back into the nest. He continued to think think the light wasn’t a factor. I continued to intuit that it was actually important, and influencing the quality of the experience, but I remained passive, as I continued to dance with not “stepping on his toes.”  I acquiesced to him, and giving up on my intuition. Luckily my intuition kept tugging on me so right before he started the timer I finally showed up- and I  literally started to sit up- “I’m going to turn on the light.” He had me lie back down, and he got up and turned on a light.  Once the OM began, we both felt more present. I was more present to and with myself, and he engaged my pussy in a way that felt more present from within himself.

Just as before, orgasmic waves came from the first strokes. But this time the waves continued throughout the OM. We were both more present in and grounded in our bodies. There was a flow between us. I dropped trying to follow where his finger was or where my clit actually was, and made requests to where I wanted his finger to go without knowing why. I followed the sensation, regardless of where it was in my body. Early on, maybe even in those first few strokes, there was such an amazing fire in my pussy- exquisite was the word that came. This fire flew right up to my heart and upper chest and I could feel a sweet opening happen, and again the word exquisite came. I was in this chest/heart area for quite awhile, no attention on my pussy. Eventually attention danced back to my pussy, and throughout the OM that dance continued in different ways.

There was a period where I requested him to move a certain way. I really wasn’t sure where his finger was in relation to my clit. It seemed, to my rational mind, that where I was requesting him to go was probably above where my clit actually was. I dropped trying to do it right, and just made the request. I never really knew where he was- if his finger was really on my clit- I just know that it felt so delicious and perfect. Who cares if he wasn’t on my clit? He was attending to some part of my pussy that really wanted attention, and it felt good to honor that. It felt like another way I was showing up for me.

I’m excited to continue this study of ‘trying’ and showing up. As I continue to contemplate and dream into this, trying seems to engage the cognitive/mental process, and more of the reptilian brain/left brain. Certainty. Limitation. Fixedness. Active trying or passive trying seem to beckon a sense of grasping or giving up. In contrast, showing up seems to engage the body and spirit- something “within” me, so to speak. Possibility. Curiosity. Wonder. Right right brain centers of creation.

Simply put, to show up for one self, there must be an allowing and a letting go that is journeyed into and explored. Once grasping/giving up start to fall away, presence naturally enters in, and I can settle  into the grounded space of Being. It is from this place that being turned on ignites, and from where orgasm flows. It is here that I fully show up. OMMMMMM.

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