Agenda, part 2: the sound of orgasm

An OM coach asked if I was up for an experiment during my next OM. I love experiments! Yes!

The experiment, or the invitation, was basically to keep sound in. Sometimes sound can be used to please the stroker, or to to avoid taking a sensation in deeper, or for other various reasons. Although I had already studied sound in my OMing journey, I was curious to get to know myself more wrt sound- there’s always more to learn!

I took the experiment seriously- perhaps too seriously.  Not making sound slipped in as a kind of agenda, I came to later realize. And upon reflection it’s clear that vigilance also slipped in. Agenda and vigilance? You might already know where this OM was headed.

The OM was one of the deadest of my OMing career. I could feel tightness in my back and arms. My attention was heavily centered on my mouth and vocal cords- in general my head. I was aware of some sensations flowing through my body, and sounds did spontaneously gasp out of my mouth at times but I was so tuned in to the sounds that I was tuned out of/off from the flow that created the sound. The sensations in my pussy felt muted, and I requested twice that my stroker use more pressure, which is extremely rare for me (and I’m now wondering is a sign that there is vigilance or agenda going on because dulled sensations in my pussy showed up in the OM prior where there was the agenda to ground). My system literally felt broken.

After this OM we decide to OM again. And it wasn’t until I OM’d without restraint that I was able to get a sense of what might have happened.

In restricting my use of sound, my voice to express had inadvertently been stifled. I’m not talking about my voice to express to my partner.  I’m talking about my voice to express to me/as me. I had repressed my orgasm’s expression and in doing so had repressed my sense of aliveness and connection to life itself. Sounds can be a powerful expression of the celebration of aliveness, and to purposefully control and withhold that felt deadening and cut off from my orgasm.

I loved the experiment because I do see how woman are trained to please men at every turn, including through our vocal responses. And I do agree that sound can be used to dissociate or turn away from our bodies. And I understand that sound can be a kind of performance. Through this experiment, however, I got to see how rarely I use my voice in an OM for anything other than an expression of orgasm, and I got to feel how awful it is to not freely connect to that expressive life force- however it is that it wants to reveal itself. Orgasm is revealed in many ways. Be curious how it is revealed for you. Honor- and enjoy!- how it flows for you.

 

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Agenda, part 1: Groundedness

I’m at a weekend called Taboo, and i’m freaking out a bit. Two of the three key note speakers have radically impacted my life- Gabor Mate and Nicole Daedone- and nervous/excited waves have been ebbing and flowing since I’ve arrived. It’s now the second afternoon of the 3 day retreat and i’m feeling particularly scattered and anxious. We had a 30 minute break and decided to OM.  Yes! OMing will solve everything! 😀

We’re on a schedule and get the nest set up and into position. The OM starts, and I immediately start to do all the things that i know how to do in order to ground. Except that I don’t realize  that i’m trying to use my mind to create an experience of groundedness. I don’t realize that I’m so attached to grounding that I’m vigilant, mental, and out of my body. My agenda to ground is actually keeping me from being able to be in the present moment, where the experience of groundedness lives. And yet I carry on, doing all those things, so that i can have the experience I want. I continue to stay turned toward my agenda, and turned way from my direct experience of being.

Something clicks. Maybe I’m realize what i’m doing isn’t working. Maybe the stroke changes. Maybe my body garners JUST enough attention that i turn away from my mental strivings toward sensation. I don’t know what, but something changes, and all of the sudden I realize that I’ve not been in my body. My clit has been ignored. My pussy has been ignored. My aliveness has been ignored. And my orgasm is no where near my attention.

In the next second my attention burrows into my clit. I immediately feel the stroke and I immediately feel aliveness. My orgasm has found me, and we’re making love. What happens next is profound: groundedness. My body expands and deepens and I’m alive in/with presence. The bell rings, but I don’t care because I’m home. I’m HOME, and it feels so good

As we get up from the OM I start to see what has happened- I had been so attached to an experience that I almost missed having it.

I have spent lots of time contemplating the agenda of climax- an agenda to climax results in superficial pleasure (at best), and dissociation from the present moment. I know first hand how deadening it is to live tied to agenda. And yet this agenda snuck right up on me. My appreciation for OMing continuously deepens as it reveals so much to me about my beingness in the world.

It doesn’t matter what the agenda is- if one is attached to it,  it will distract from feeling, from being, and from the aliveness of the present moment. It takes one away from the natural state of orgasm. It takes one away from home.