I’m at a weekend called Taboo, and i’m freaking out a bit. Two of the three key note speakers have radically impacted my life- Gabor Mate and Nicole Daedone- and nervous/excited waves have been ebbing and flowing since I’ve arrived. It’s now the second afternoon of the 3 day retreat and i’m feeling particularly scattered and anxious. We had a 30 minute break and decided to OM. Yes! OMing will solve everything! 😀
We’re on a schedule and get the nest set up and into position. The OM starts, and I immediately start to do all the things that i know how to do in order to ground. Except that I don’t realize that i’m trying to use my mind to create an experience of groundedness. I don’t realize that I’m so attached to grounding that I’m vigilant, mental, and out of my body. My agenda to ground is actually keeping me from being able to be in the present moment, where the experience of groundedness lives. And yet I carry on, doing all those things, so that i can have the experience I want. I continue to stay turned toward my agenda, and turned way from my direct experience of being.
Something clicks. Maybe I’m realize what i’m doing isn’t working. Maybe the stroke changes. Maybe my body garners JUST enough attention that i turn away from my mental strivings toward sensation. I don’t know what, but something changes, and all of the sudden I realize that I’ve not been in my body. My clit has been ignored. My pussy has been ignored. My aliveness has been ignored. And my orgasm is no where near my attention.
In the next second my attention burrows into my clit. I immediately feel the stroke and I immediately feel aliveness. My orgasm has found me, and we’re making love. What happens next is profound: groundedness. My body expands and deepens and I’m alive in/with presence. The bell rings, but I don’t care because I’m home. I’m HOME, and it feels so good
As we get up from the OM I start to see what has happened- I had been so attached to an experience that I almost missed having it.
I have spent lots of time contemplating the agenda of climax- an agenda to climax results in superficial pleasure (at best), and dissociation from the present moment. I know first hand how deadening it is to live tied to agenda. And yet this agenda snuck right up on me. My appreciation for OMing continuously deepens as it reveals so much to me about my beingness in the world.
It doesn’t matter what the agenda is- if one is attached to it, it will distract from feeling, from being, and from the aliveness of the present moment. It takes one away from the natural state of orgasm. It takes one away from home.