The delight of being open to surprise

I’m writing a larger piece on om’ing and will, something I’ve been studying for some time, so I think the topic of will is what’s going to show up in this morning’s OM.

But instead what keeps showing itself is vigilance. Or rather the lack of vigilance. Despite this guy being a stranger, despite his lack of refinement, despite so many possible variables which could get in the way of me being relaxed and open, I am relaxed and I am open.  I’m pleasantly surprised at my how free I feel to express my pleasure and I keep surprising myself throughout the OM.

Something feels different a bit different with all this, and I wonder how my exploration of will is influencing this, but I’m too busy in my pleasure to stay with that.

I feel the swirls of energy and I’m able to ride them deep and wide, and let them take me to cacophonic heights through my moans and gasps that happen so spontaneously that they surprise even me.  My system is turned in, and turned on, and at times my own pleasure gives rise to more pleasure. I’m on a loop. I’m flying- not out of my body, but deep into my body, deeply though out my body, as well as the space all around my body. My field goes inward, and outwards. My pleasure weaving everywhere.

The cycles come and go, come and go. And go. And I wait. And I notice that there’s not much going on. And I wonder what he’s thinking. And I wonder where my clit is, and I wonder… and then BOOM a wave of energy shoots through me and my clit is undulating and I arch and I gasp and I moan and my body writhes as the undulations seem to taking over all of me. I delight in whats here, this aliveness that feels spacious and expansive.

Phew.

I feel gratitude at being surprised by the moment. As I type that I find myself PROFOUNDLY grateful at how, in my life, I find myself surprised by the present moment. I feel delight and turned on with the resonance of that. And humbled. This too feels related to lack of vigilance, and perhaps also to will. I feel the mystery of life. There is such richness here, and I find myself smiling.

 

Trust in me

OMing has been one of many things that have helped me connect  trusting myself. Too often people rely on others for  a sense of trustability in the world. We place our trust in others, or we place trust in situations. But we forget about our internal seat of trust. (We do this with love too- we love others first, because for some of us that is the easiest thing in the world to do, and in the process we forget about loving ourselves. For the narcissistically inclined, this will play out in the opposite).

One thing I love about OMing is the container. The container is brilliantly set so that the female’s vigilance centers relax enough so that she can develop an intimate relationship with her own sense of internal innate trust.  Said another way, if the container can be trusted, she can dive into her innate seat of trust. As such, it doesn’t necessarily matter who the stroker is or location, because there has been an agreement that the container will be kept.  I know that when I make a request, the stroker will comply because that’s part of the container. I know that when we’re done, the container will close, and that will be that. I know that we’re not here for me (or him) to climax. I know that we’re not here to talk or for me to help him process something. I know that this is a goalless meditation. I know that my stroker will take care of certain things-timer, lube, gloves, the nest. This is all part of the tight container that OM rests upon.  On some level, conscious or subconscious, there is trust with the container and that allows for magic.  In a world where people are often not accountable for themselves, the container demands a certain amount of accountability, and with accountability brings great possibility for discovery of oneself and other.

In a recent OM- things started rough. My (now) ex-boyfriend and I had not been getting along, and still weren’t well aligned. As he started to stroke me it felt as if my system didn’t fully trust him as I was still processing some hurt (my system is wise: based on his actions he’d not been trust worthy for quite some time, but I digress). I made a request that he pause the stroke- I needed stillness- and he immediately paused. This request was a first for me, and making it felt really important. I didn’t have to push through anything. I didn’t have to force myself to trust him. I didn’t have to do anything. And a fabulous thing was that I didn’t have to trust him either, because I trusted the container. More importantly- I trusted me and my experience of the moment. I put me first, not worrying about how he’d respond, if he’d be offended, etc. I put my trust in me. As most women know, this is no easy thing. PHEW!

Making the request for him to pause his stroke allowed me to take my mental focus off of him (was he trustable? my mind was scrambling) and return it to myself/body. He stopped stroking. I could feel him center into himself. I breathed, I cried, I shook. I let my system do what it needed to do. I honored me. This is significant because when we honor our systems, our systems start to trust- not trust another, but trust the moment. And this is profound- SO profound. Women need to be able to trust the moment so that we can fully live. We must be able to trust and honor ourselves so that we can fully live. Our vigilance centers need to  relax so that we can fully live. There’s no chicken or egg order here that I can really tell- they all weave in and out of each other and it’s a fucking glorious dance. Presence, self connection, openness- the dance of orgasm. The best part? It comes **from within,** from my relationship with/to myself.

As my system relaxed into itself, I asked him to continue stroking. At one point I was peaking and the stroker started to go out side of the container so that I’d climax (he was masturbating me). I felt my vigilance arise and felt my system start to shut down. It took me about 5 seconds to find a request: slower stroke please. He slowed the stroke. In the past I’ve been swept up in trusting the stroker and in trusting the goal that was being moved toward- I placed my trust outside myself and “went along for the ride.”  But this time I trusted what was true for me, and was accountable to that. Again I say PHEW!

The OM continued and toward the end (I had to guess where we were with timing because something had happened to the timer) I could feel my system wanting the stroke to stop and to have constant pressure. The energy had cascaded down my legs and under me and things were “deep.” It felt important for me to feel pressure on my pussy as I connected to this energy transmuting through my system. I made my request, and he responded exactly as I’d requested. Once again, I’d stayed with me and what felt was needed by my system.

When I was ready I let him know and we sat up to do frames. Instead of doing frames right away, I was felt the need to sit with the overwhelming amount of energy running that was through my system. I told him he could go if he needed to but that I needed to sit with what was unfolding and not interrupt what was underway. (I knew this was a bit outside of the usual container, and I knew he was on a time schedule.) I trusted that  something important was happening in my system and I trusted in myself to communicate this. As such, I honored my experience and I trusted in the unfolding. After a few minutes, something shifted we shared frames and the OM was complete.

The microcosmic perspective that OMing offers is amazing. I am grateful to learn so much about myself as I meet different parts of myself through this practice. To feel trust in one self is something that most of us were never taught as children- and for many of us we have been swayed from developing trust in ourselves as we externally reference out to authority and to those in positions of power (thanks patriarchy!). It’s important for the evolution of a healthy culture that we regain our internal sense of trust and knowing, so that we can be present to/with our aliveness (orgasm) as much as humanely possible. True trust only comes from within- by having an intimate relationship with oneself. This is a profound groking and I thank OMing for helping me in my journey of this discovery.

 

Opening to my pleasure

Vigilance is on my mind a lot, so naturally that’s what showed up in attention  during today’s OM. My boyfriend and I had/are having another “thing”, and my system was feeling some “ouch” this morning. I laid down  with my “stranger OM partner” and got into position- no problem. Then came the pleasure, and thats when I noticed my vigilance. Is it safe to feel pleasure? But what I’m really asking is, is it safe to open. Is it safe to open, now, while i’m feeling the burn from last night?

I’m laying there, legs wide open with my stranger OM partner. I notice my vigilance. Legs wide open. Clit exposed. My arms out to the side making my heart exploded. Can I trust myself to be open? I remember that this guy isn’t my boyfriend and my system relaxes. I come back to now, this moment. This stroke, this breath. This experience of pleasure. Yes, it’s safe to open.

Pleasure suddenly becomes my study as I notice that I  both crave it and notice the vigilance with it. I feel my pleasure and I feel my vigilant response. Is it safe to feel pleasure? I keep reminding myself that I’m with my stranger OM guy, and he’s just here to stroke my clit. *He’s just here to stroke my clit.*  My system finds relief in that. I open.

It’s been awhile since we’ve OMd and so I have to give some instruction and make requests. I  feel vigilance come through my voice- there’s an urgency. I’m grateful for the noticing, and remind myself that this guy is just here to stroke my clit. My system softens. My voice softens. I open. I guide him back to my pleasure, and feel what comes with that. I continue to feel both the desire to turn toward my pleasure and to turn away from it. Opening, closing. I feel a deep desire within me  to meet pleasure without turning away. I meet my desire to open to pleasure. I open to pleasure and then something takes over and I open and open and open. Tears. My pleasure speaks and moves through my body and voice. I notice vigilance from time to time, showing up as self consciousness of my requests and in my  responses. I remind myself that this is my clit, that this is my OM. He’s just here to stroke my clit. I feel safe. I open.

I feel like i got to open to my pleasure in a new way. The synchronicity of it all is marvelous- I’ve been contemplating the subtexts of pleasure the last couple days, particularly what feels like the incoming invitation to open more fully to receiving pleasure. I can sense that deeper levels of pleasure await me as my sense of vigilance continues to fall away.  I can feel how this OM has propelled this exploration into consciousness. Thank you OM!