My heart, my pussy, and distinctions.

I’m a bit more hesitant to OM these days. I have a little less interest, a little less excitement about it, a little less of an adventurous charge with it. If I lived in an OM community I imagine it would be quite different- maybe because of the community container, and all that comes with that. But I don’t.

A fellow OM’er and Facebook friend has even generously offered to help me connect with some local people that he thinks might be great OMing candidates. A few months back this would have elated me! But these days, when I think of OMing- when I think of bringing in new OM partners- I pull back a bit now. Maybe it’s because my heart is still healing from my last relationship. Maybe it’s because I opened way too deeply in that relationship and I’m feeling the residual burn and want to guard against future burn. Maybe it’s because  there has been more waking up and  awareness with regards to the impact patriarchy has on our culture/planet (I’m pretty sure we’re all experiencing that!). Maybe it’s because I continue to study useful distinctions, and how important they are with regard to an integritous  OM container, and well, for life.  Cause and effect is a illusionary game- all I know is that OMing  just feels a little bit different, and I’m curious about that!

Useful employment of distinctions is one of my favorite topics, and has been for awhile. Distinctions continue to teach me so much about myself. For example, when a person opens to someone, becomes devotional even to someone, who hasn’t earned it… it’s clear that a lack of useful distinctions is at play. Guilty! Maybe in an ideal world it wouldn’t matter. Back in the day when I had more protective layers and defense mechanism protecting me, when I was more naive and ignorant,  it didn’t matter. But these days? Well, I’m without many of those defenses. Of course I’m not always open, and of course I do have my defenses. But in general my heart and being is wider and deeper and more available then ever before. And more open. And that puts me in a vulnerable position, no pun intended.

Maybe you’re wondering- what does a broken heart and eyes wide open to a culture that actively disempowers women (and all it’s inhabitants) have to do with my decreased interest in OMing?   Maybe it’s about trust. But maybe it’s more then that. As I contemplate the power of my pussy and the depth of my heart, I consider the sacredness of both my pussy and my heart and I ask myself, “what is truly empowering for my evolvement?” Hahah yeah, simple and light stuff like that. But maybe it’s not as heavy and ominous as it seems. Maybe it’s as simple as making useful distinctions.

I like the container I have with my current OM partner. I make a lot of useful distinctions. Consciously. I vetted him, and the tight container keeps things genuine and beneficial for us both. OMing with him feels like it supports the true purpose of OMing, where as so many of my past experience were laden with subtle distortions. Which brings me back to the power of distinctions.   OMing with my current partner feels empowering. It feels like it’s part of my evolvement. The tight container decreases vigilance so both my pussy and my heart feel safe.  That gives me hope that the kind of container I have within could be  duplicated with someone else.

When I start to get wary about future OMing and new parters, I remember that OMing is actually the perfect place to practice making useful distinctions, and to get really clean and clear with myself. The ability and the clarity with which to make distinctions is not so easy! I mean hell, I went months of OMing in ways that aided and abetted my patterning and didn’t even spot it! (Again, this is what makes me wonder about how it might be different in an OMing community). And maybe that’s ok. All of that has been part of the learning curve. When I remember that life is about the journey, I relax. I re-remember that if I’m paying attention, I’m always learning. There is no real “perfect” container, there’s just the invitation to be as honest as I can with myself about what I’m doing and why. And, a tight container helps to support that. And that brings relief.

I remind myself that opening during an OM is not inherently about opening to the OM partner.  It’s not about my pussy or heart or being opening to him, or even necessarily opening at all.  I remind myself that I don’t have to open, at all, ever, if I don’t want to. (I come from a long line of spiritual teachers and partners who have pushed the spiritual mantra of “opening”. ) I remind myself that OMing is not about having any particular kind of experience. A perfect OM does not look, feel,or  sound a certain way. In other words, there is no wrong way to experience an OM. Ahhhhhhh. My system breaths a deep sigh of relief because then I remember that there is also no wrong way to experience any moment. Experiences are just experiences. What a relief to let go of the idea that an OM should be deep, and rich, and profound, and meaningful and and and. PHEW!!! It’s not really about any of that. It’s not about having any kind of particular experience, with any kind of particular agenda. It’s simply a practice of noticing, of being tuned into attention and consciousness. Of being aware. Even if what I’m aware of is my lack of openness.

As I remember all this, I also remember how OMing often has a microcosmic/ macrocosmic relationship- the part reflecting the whole. I.E. What I am experiencing within my OM journey is mirroring many aspects of my life journey, and just as there has been an evolutionary development within my own OMing practice, there is also an evolutionally development happening within my being. When I look at things this way I see that all that is behind me has been a perfect lead up to this moment now. That all the “mistakes” and container “faux pas” were innocent and perfect in accordance with the journey of Lisa. My relationship with myself continues to evolve, as does my relationship with distinctions, in all areas of life, and OM’ing can/does high-light that beautifully. It also brings an acceptance of the past as I remember that life is a journey- it’s not about blame, right, wrong, good or bad. Or even OMing itself. It is about acknowledging and taking responsibility for becoming more accountable to integrity and inner sovereignty. It is about discovering new ways to fully show up on the planet as a conscious, aware participant on the bus to further. I’m on the bus!

Advertisements

Raw perceiving

I had a vague intention this morning: connect with perceiving. Dropping directly to raw perceiving is not easy as the brain automatically constructs content and context. The brain gathers data, past and current, and puts it into imagined happenings- constructed happenings. This is what we call “life” most of the time. But it’s not really life, it’s a mentally constructed life. When we pull back the constructed happenings- thoughts and images- we’re left with raw perceivings.

I danced with this this morning. Dropping constructs, then noticing them back, then dropping them again, only for them to come back. In and out of attention, constructs come. It’s a weeding through the haystack to find the needle, sometimes.

As he grounded me in the beginning,  something shifted wrt my perspective of what I was receiving. These were not just touches from a stranger. They were touches of love, and care, and nurturing. He had lost his “he” identity, and it was just perceiving energy, starting and ending with “my” perceiving. Subject and object, him and me, dropped away. It became all about perceiving, all which happens as/in/from/through “me.” (Oh words, you just can’t get the nuances sometimes!) In this way, I was my own toucher. I was touching my legs. I was giving myself the love of touch. “He” had become my lover, but it was really that I was my own lover. All perceivings, a gift from me, as me, to me.

This strange way of meeting reality continued throughout the OM. “Slower strokes,” came a whisper to him. (I don’t normally whisper in an OM!) But I wasn’t whispering to him. The whisper was to my beloved- to me . “He” was no longer stroking me, I was stroking me. “Shorter strokes,” I said, another time. Again, I was talking to myself, giving myself what I wanted. With the subject/object dissipated, it was only for me. It was me making love to/with/as me. I marveled at the softness/loving perceptions of what I was experiencing-  of percieving- hands on my thighs, the whispers and various requests, sounds releasing, the undulations and movements of my body,  the touch on my pussy and clit, the safe porting afterwards. There was something pervasively intimate and kind and loving happening- all under this altered perceptual context of reality.

At one point in the OM, as subject and object continued to drop away it was clear that there was no stroker, there was no strokee. There was no finger and there was no clit. There was no location, no pussy. I felt the sensation BOOM big, deep, wide and all encompassing. I couldn’t tell what was happening within the construct – I couldn’t even tell if his finger was moving. I just felt a big wave… so big, so big. The wave encompassed all of “me” and also penetrated deeply into “me” except that there was no him and there was no me.  The power of the orgasm became so intense that mind/constructs jumped back in, then out, then in.

One might wonder, if constructs were dropped, how can there even be requests made, or distinctions that lead one to making requests. I don’t know how to answer that question, other then I let the percievings guide, and the percievings speak. Also, it’s not like I was 100% out of thought construct. 😀   As one might imagine, this OM passed quickly.  I didn’t want it to end- my system felt so relaxed and cared for.  I find this all fascinating  and a little bit magical!  and also a little hard to write about as tends to be the case with magic. 😉

Stay the course

There are a couple things on my mind from my last OM.

  1. How fast it is that we make interpretations, draw conclusions, and go into a reality that is not  based on the reality we’re actually in.
  2. How the inclination to care what people think leads us to alter our behaviors. Even when those people are strangers.
  3. Contemplating those two brings me to the invitation to “stay the course.

Slow down. Slow. Slower. Slow WAY down. More slow please.

I requested that my OM partner slow down maybe 20 times during our last OM. It was awesome for me in that I got to practice making requests. I got to practice making the same request over and over. I got to practice making a request that may have sounded absurd after a certain point, but kept on making it because that’s what I wanted. I got to make a request and experience what it was like for the request not to be met, and keep going after what I was wanting. I got to make this request over and over and over AND OVER and not stop until it was met. And then make it again when I wanted it again.

Later, as we were chatting about OMing, he shared that he was sure that based on what he was seeing and the sounds he was hearing (i.e. my orgasm) that I wanted him to stroke faster, to bring me to climax. That was the prefect opportunity for me to share,  to clarify,  that OMing isn’t about climax, in fact it’s not even a sexual practice for me.

I know that sounds odd. And for you (dear reader) it may be odd- it may be so completely foreign based on your own ideas of sex and your body/sensations. And it’s totally fine if you consider it a sexual activity or a sexual process.  But for me it totally makes sense to to call OMing a non-sexual practice.

Oming is  a study of attention. It’s a study of rawness. It’s a study of what happens before meaning making and concept making deliver us to belief and interpretation. As opposed to the practice of OMing,  when we’re in overtly sexual relations it’s common for sounds and movements and fluids and all sorts of things to reference meaning making .  These things become signals of a sort- they can be used as information that tells us it’s time to change movements, or shift positions, or go faster, or slower, etc.  Sex can be thought of a game of purposeful stimulus response, with a particular response seeming to say something and invite particular responses. For example,  as a climax approaches in a sexual interaction it might just naturally follow that speed increase, or pressure increase, or stroke change. (Of course this depends on the couple, the context and a variety of other factors.)

OM’ing, for me, is a meditation. There is no goal. No agenda other than to experience the present moment. As such, it’s vital to stay the course. Finger on clit. Attention on finger, on clit. Attention on one’s own response to finger, on clit. Attention on perceiving. Attention on attention.  Stay the course. Stroke, by stroke, perception by perception- stay the course. Do not leave the course. Do not deviate from the course. Stay the course.

There are a million ways we leave the course. We go into thought. We go into stories. We go into assumptions. We go into beliefs. We tell tall tales, and in the process, we leave the present moment. In the present moment there are loads of percievings- the experiences of sensations. And we can either meet and be with those, or we can turn away from them and reference thoughts. Culture encourages the second, OMing encourages the first.

When treated as a meditation, as a study of attention, it increases our ability to be intimate with the present moment. When we stay with this as our focus, when we stay the course of studying attention and direct experience, we stay in the present moment. From here we experience the fullness of orgasm.

A woman’s orgasm. Packing up the nest, part 2.

 

Even though women can vote now , we have rights to our children, we can own property and have our own bank accounts, our bodies and our sexuality are still considered for men- hence the high sexual assault rates and rape culture we live in, hence the strict laws about birth control, and so on. There is such male entitlement built into our culture with regard to women’s sexuality that it’s barely noticed unless you look closely, and know what to look for.  Our orgasms, and our climaxes, are assumed to be “for men” and men *take* great pleasure in our orgasms and climaxes, basking in them, as if they were for them, and as if they are “giving” them to us. Some men don’t care how we achieve orgasm or climax-in fact it they’d just assume we’d get light our own fire because they’re too insecure in themselves when it comes to our pleasure. But be sure that they’re there to soak in the benefits of the orgasmic experience! All under the guise of entitlement.

So, why am I going off about this obviousness? And how is it related to OMing? In my last post (part 1) I suggested that one of the purposes of OMing is to to wake us up to and deconstruct various culturally created norms of behavior.  I wrote about emotional labor in part 1. It seems to me that sometimes emotional labor is extended to men as a form of commerce. Since it is is cultural norm that a woman doesn’t own her orgasm/climax- she has to earn it and pay for her pleasure. Emotional labor is one way she can pay for it/earns it.

One of the beauties of OMing is to help women grok that their orgasm is *theirs.* It has always been and always will be- it’s just that we have forgotten this over the centuries of patriarchy so we have to relearn it.  The OM container is set up to help deconstruct the cultural norms that the female’s orgasm is not hers, and that she has to emotionally labor to earn her pleasure. The OM container does this in many ways  *when the container is strictly followed.”  I’m still discovering some of the brilliance of how this happens.

  1. The business like transaction of the OM. There is the asking if the person would like to OM, and the accepting or denying of the request. It’s supposed to be that simple. No explanations, no justification, no qualifies. “Would you like to OM?” “Yes.” “No.”  It is actually supposed to be *this simple.*

     

    Do to the conditioning for both men and women, it’s not aways so simple. I had a partner that would become quite triggered at being told no to just about anything so this was not always easy question for me, knowing that if I said no I’d likely be on the receiving end of lots of projection and anger. (Oh! the amount of emotional labor required of me at times before I got out of that dynamic. It’s horrifying thinking about it now.)  Being in a relationship with your OM partner can be amazing, but it can also lead to some real messes! 

    Now that I’m OMing with someone I’m not in a relationship with, I get to understand the intended simplicity, and I get to directly experience the simplicity of it. He asks, I answer. That’s it. No emotional labor. No commerce. I now understand the beauty of OM circles, and how learning it in a community would have really helped me due to my own patterning. I am loving being able to have this this direct exchange with my current OM partner. 

  2. Making requests once the OM is underway. Requests allow the woman to control and own her orgasm. She decides the speed, the pressure, and the stroke in it’s entirety. It is the job of the strokee to comply. And if he doesn’t then it’s the job of he strokee to request again until she gets what she wants. Again, simple, right? 

    Not always. A woman is going to come up against her barriers, and a man is going to come up against his. Hopefully each will journey with what their barriers are, and continue to move from their edge with regards to this. It’s very empowering for a woman’s to be this connected to her pleasure, and to ask for movement to happen which will impact her pleasure. It’s empowering knowing that this is all for her- for her pleasure. 

    The container leaves little room for emotional labor to play out, except in the people’s heads. And that is just more for the person to explore. So again-the experience reinforces that it’s her orgasm, with no emotional labor required. 

  3. The end of the OM/packing up. Here’s the big one I’m exploring these days. It’s the part  my ex boyfriend and I were sloppiest about. It was the part of the OM experience I didn’t understand. It was the part of the OM experience that enabled emotional labor and sexual commerce/ use of my orgasm and the oxytocin response. 

    At the end of an OM, after brief frames, the nest is to be packed up. And the couple is to leave the room. Go for a walk. Do something different. This was lost on me. I thought, why would you want loose a good oxytocin high? Why not just build on it? Bask in it? Get lost in it? First, let me just say that there’s nothing wrong with basking in the oxytocin high. There’s nothing wrong with sharing it with your partner. **When done consciously.**  When this is consciously being chosen, then awesome. For me, I didn’t know what I was choosing/setting myself. I knew I was in a pleasure loop that I didn’t want to get out of, but I didn’t realize what the cost was. 

    The cost was that it continued to relay to me that my orgasm goes to other. I repeatedly gave my orgasm away. Again, it’s fine if one is doing that consciously, but I was doing it because I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to. I think this is the fish bowl that women live in- we don’t know that we can have pleasure, and keep it for ourselves, because we don’t really deeply grok that it’s ours. 

    The cost of doing this- of handing over my pleasure over to my stroker in the form of verbal praise, long hugs, caresses,  kisses, or blow jobs or sex itself- re-emphasised cultural norms as opposed to deconstructed them (as is intended with the OM container). It relayed to me that if I was pleasured then I should share it with someone else. It relayed that if I was pleasured then the other person deserved to get some of that yum. it relayed in a million ways that my orgasm wasn’t for me, just for me. And it kept me from groking that it’s appropriate, intended and  valid for me to soak it up all for me- because it *is* all for me. The cost was also that it played out into our relationship, in ways that were very harmful for my psyche and which ended the relationship altogether. 

    With my current OM partner, the boundaries are clear. The contain is firmly set. We do our frames, we pack up, and the OM ends. There’s no commerce. There’s no making sure he’s satisfied. There’s no emotional labor. This is so amazing! (I admit that it has taken some getting used to, since I was so steeped in my old conditioning).  And what’s amazing is that this is returning my will back into myself (I’m still writing about OMing and will, I promise!). This has brought me such wholeness into myself and my life. The impact is clear. I am grateful. 

    So, back to the container. This is why it’s important that the container is set, while “sober” (i.e. before being drunk on oxytocin), because once the woman is high with orgasm it’s going to be almost impossible for her to make a sober choice. Oxytocin is one of the most strongest drugs in the world, and it’s in those moments that she can be convinced of just about anything. I have to be VERY conscious what’s I’m doing while in such a state even with my stranger OM dude. 😉   My vigilance centers are down,  my boundaries are down, and i’m in a yes saying mood. But because of the container, if it’s actually followed,  **i don’t have to worry about it.**.  And this is simply profound. 

So please, men and women, set the container. Enforce the container. And if you decide to break the container, do it consciously- with full acknowledgement. And only do it after you’ve got some sober OMs under your belt so that you can both get to know the full impact of the OM container.

It’s really important for the evolution of deconstructing cultural norms. It’s really important for that women’s will be given space to grow and expand. And it’s really important for men too- I don’t overtly explain why that is, but if you are able to value women enough to support their sovereignty , and to do that which will help empower her, you will directly benefit. Your own sense of depth will reveal itself. Your own sense of being connected to both yourself and female will become self evident. Men don’t need to “take” a woman’s orgasm, or be coddled with emotional labor. Men are capable of widening themselves to so that they can receive the energy that naturally radiates from an empowered woman.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

 

 

The Container: packing up the nest, part 1

I’ve been singing the praises of the OM container since I first started OMing. But the truth is as I look back over my 2 years of OMing I can now recognize that the containers  were pretty loose in some ways.  Perhaps there’s ways we all “cheat” a bit here or there, thinking it’s no big deal. And maybe that’s true under curtain circumstances. But the thing I’m learning is that I can’t understand the profundity of a method if I continuously fall out of it. And continuously fall out of it I did! In particular, I’m recognizing that packing up of the nest at the end of the OM was rarely employed according to it’s design during the majority of my OMs.

 

Of course, I can only see this in hind site. All throughout my OMing career I felt that the container was as intended, or, at the least “good enough.” In some ways it was good enough in that the looseness of the container contributed to a some really lovely unfoldings in my relationship. But I can also see that from my very first OM the container was not followed as intended, and this led me to miss out on some of the serious perks and nuances of a solid container.

It wasn’t until I started OMing with my “OM stranger” (as opposed to doing it with the person I’d been in relationship with) that I was able to study certain aspects of experience. OMing with him was different than OMing with my (then) boyfriend because of some obvious reasons- for one, we didn’t have the same level of intimacy. But  another thing that was different was the space post OM. There was more of a “sharing” and connected type of experience after OMing with my boyfriend, where as with my OM stranger I was showing him to the door not long after the nest was put away. Ah, yes. After the nest was put away. Zing! You see, with my boyfriend, we rarely followed procedure at the end of our OM. We’d hang out in the nest for extended periods of time, sometimes sharing, which almost all of the time included physical contact, and quite often included sex. Eventually, the nest was either put away or just half-hazardly dismantled. Seen one way, the sharing and connectedness was an after perk of the OM experience. But in another way it established/maintained unhealthy patterning.

Not adhering to the OM protocol with regard to the end of an OM  was a huge lack of distinctions on our part from our very first OM almost straight through to our last OM. And I never really thought about it as a problem, because I didn’t know that what I was engaging in post OM without putting the nest away was diminishing the full impact of the OM experience as intended. As I said earlier, I didn’t understand the profundity of the method because I was continuously falling out of the method. Said another way, I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

The OM container has a “method to its madness”- it is strict and constructed in such a way for particular purposes. If I had to say in one sentence what the purpose of the container is I’d say to wake us up to and deconstruct various culturally created norms of behavior. There’s lots and lots of norms that OMing challenges- the one I’m currently studying and writing about here, and the one that got overlooked by not following the OM container,  is the cultural norm of emotional labor. This bleeds into something also emphasized in OMing- no commerce. OMing is not a “tit for tat” exchange. It’s not a “you rub my clit, and then I’ll do something for you” dynamic. But in the oxytocin high, combined with the lack of a tight container, this can easily be slid into.

A little bit about emotional labor. Economically speaking we can all see how emotional labor is at play. There are certain jobs that have emotional labor as part of the job or even as a key component of the job: the hospitality field, social work or social services, teachers, nurses, flight attendants are a few. Men and women can both be required to employ emotional labor, although it’s well recognized that it “may be especially problematic for women workers” based on the tendencies of job segregation.

Emotional labor is sneaks into the personal realm but in a much more subversive and often invisible way.  Two easy to read articles which quickly explain the prevalence of emotional labor in our culture are  here and here. Almost all women understand how emotional labor is a part of our world, but we don’t always recognize the magnitude of the cost on us. Men on the other hand often have no idea what we’re talking about, as it’s the culture they’ve always been in.  (Disclaimer: this is not to say that men aren’t sometimes the giver of emotional labor.)

 

So, what does this have to do with OMing? When men and women are involved emotional labor has a lot to do with everything. And it has to do with OMing because if the container is strictly followed then it will decrease  and furthermore dismantle  the possibility of emotional labor taking place. Which is huge. And which is so very important.

That’s it for part 1. In part 2 I’ll  explore out how not following protocol with regard to the end of an OM  can  decrease the full impact of possibility that OMing can offer (and support the cultural norm of emotional labor and sex as commerce/we don’t own our orgams).  I’m also going to write about the role of oxytocin in all of this. And lastly I’ll  share how my OM stranger dude is rocking my world and helping me wake up in ways I never dreamed of.