I’m a bit more hesitant to OM these days. I have a little less interest, a little less excitement about it, a little less of an adventurous charge with it. If I lived in an OM community I imagine it would be quite different- maybe because of the community container, and all that comes with that. But I don’t.
A fellow OM’er and Facebook friend has even generously offered to help me connect with some local people that he thinks might be great OMing candidates. A few months back this would have elated me! But these days, when I think of OMing- when I think of bringing in new OM partners- I pull back a bit now. Maybe it’s because my heart is still healing from my last relationship. Maybe it’s because I opened way too deeply in that relationship and I’m feeling the residual burn and want to guard against future burn. Maybe it’s because there has been more waking up and awareness with regards to the impact patriarchy has on our culture/planet (I’m pretty sure we’re all experiencing that!). Maybe it’s because I continue to study useful distinctions, and how important they are with regard to an integritous OM container, and well, for life. Cause and effect is a illusionary game- all I know is that OMing just feels a little bit different, and I’m curious about that!
Useful employment of distinctions is one of my favorite topics, and has been for awhile. Distinctions continue to teach me so much about myself. For example, when a person opens to someone, becomes devotional even to someone, who hasn’t earned it… it’s clear that a lack of useful distinctions is at play. Guilty! Maybe in an ideal world it wouldn’t matter. Back in the day when I had more protective layers and defense mechanism protecting me, when I was more naive and ignorant, it didn’t matter. But these days? Well, I’m without many of those defenses. Of course I’m not always open, and of course I do have my defenses. But in general my heart and being is wider and deeper and more available then ever before. And more open. And that puts me in a vulnerable position, no pun intended.
Maybe you’re wondering- what does a broken heart and eyes wide open to a culture that actively disempowers women (and all it’s inhabitants) have to do with my decreased interest in OMing? Maybe it’s about trust. But maybe it’s more then that. As I contemplate the power of my pussy and the depth of my heart, I consider the sacredness of both my pussy and my heart and I ask myself, “what is truly empowering for my evolvement?” Hahah yeah, simple and light stuff like that. But maybe it’s not as heavy and ominous as it seems. Maybe it’s as simple as making useful distinctions.
I like the container I have with my current OM partner. I make a lot of useful distinctions. Consciously. I vetted him, and the tight container keeps things genuine and beneficial for us both. OMing with him feels like it supports the true purpose of OMing, where as so many of my past experience were laden with subtle distortions. Which brings me back to the power of distinctions. OMing with my current partner feels empowering. It feels like it’s part of my evolvement. The tight container decreases vigilance so both my pussy and my heart feel safe. That gives me hope that the kind of container I have within could be duplicated with someone else.
When I start to get wary about future OMing and new parters, I remember that OMing is actually the perfect place to practice making useful distinctions, and to get really clean and clear with myself. The ability and the clarity with which to make distinctions is not so easy! I mean hell, I went months of OMing in ways that aided and abetted my patterning and didn’t even spot it! (Again, this is what makes me wonder about how it might be different in an OMing community). And maybe that’s ok. All of that has been part of the learning curve. When I remember that life is about the journey, I relax. I re-remember that if I’m paying attention, I’m always learning. There is no real “perfect” container, there’s just the invitation to be as honest as I can with myself about what I’m doing and why. And, a tight container helps to support that. And that brings relief.
I remind myself that opening during an OM is not inherently about opening to the OM partner. It’s not about my pussy or heart or being opening to him, or even necessarily opening at all. I remind myself that I don’t have to open, at all, ever, if I don’t want to. (I come from a long line of spiritual teachers and partners who have pushed the spiritual mantra of “opening”. ) I remind myself that OMing is not about having any particular kind of experience. A perfect OM does not look, feel,or sound a certain way. In other words, there is no wrong way to experience an OM. Ahhhhhhh. My system breaths a deep sigh of relief because then I remember that there is also no wrong way to experience any moment. Experiences are just experiences. What a relief to let go of the idea that an OM should be deep, and rich, and profound, and meaningful and and and. PHEW!!! It’s not really about any of that. It’s not about having any kind of particular experience, with any kind of particular agenda. It’s simply a practice of noticing, of being tuned into attention and consciousness. Of being aware. Even if what I’m aware of is my lack of openness.
As I remember all this, I also remember how OMing often has a microcosmic/ macrocosmic relationship- the part reflecting the whole. I.E. What I am experiencing within my OM journey is mirroring many aspects of my life journey, and just as there has been an evolutionary development within my own OMing practice, there is also an evolutionally development happening within my being. When I look at things this way I see that all that is behind me has been a perfect lead up to this moment now. That all the “mistakes” and container “faux pas” were innocent and perfect in accordance with the journey of Lisa. My relationship with myself continues to evolve, as does my relationship with distinctions, in all areas of life, and OM’ing can/does high-light that beautifully. It also brings an acceptance of the past as I remember that life is a journey- it’s not about blame, right, wrong, good or bad. Or even OMing itself. It is about acknowledging and taking responsibility for becoming more accountable to integrity and inner sovereignty. It is about discovering new ways to fully show up on the planet as a conscious, aware participant on the bus to further. I’m on the bus!