Even though women can vote now , we have rights to our children, we can own property and have our own bank accounts, our bodies and our sexuality are still considered for men- hence the high sexual assault rates and rape culture we live in, hence the strict laws about birth control, and so on. There is such male entitlement built into our culture with regard to women’s sexuality that it’s barely noticed unless you look closely, and know what to look for. Our orgasms, and our climaxes, are assumed to be “for men” and men *take* great pleasure in our orgasms and climaxes, basking in them, as if they were for them, and as if they are “giving” them to us. Some men don’t care how we achieve orgasm or climax-in fact it they’d just assume we’d get light our own fire because they’re too insecure in themselves when it comes to our pleasure. But be sure that they’re there to soak in the benefits of the orgasmic experience! All under the guise of entitlement.
So, why am I going off about this obviousness? And how is it related to OMing? In my last post (part 1) I suggested that one of the purposes of OMing is to to wake us up to and deconstruct various culturally created norms of behavior. I wrote about emotional labor in part 1. It seems to me that sometimes emotional labor is extended to men as a form of commerce. Since it is is cultural norm that a woman doesn’t own her orgasm/climax- she has to earn it and pay for her pleasure. Emotional labor is one way she can pay for it/earns it.
One of the beauties of OMing is to help women grok that their orgasm is *theirs.* It has always been and always will be- it’s just that we have forgotten this over the centuries of patriarchy so we have to relearn it. The OM container is set up to help deconstruct the cultural norms that the female’s orgasm is not hers, and that she has to emotionally labor to earn her pleasure. The OM container does this in many ways *when the container is strictly followed.” I’m still discovering some of the brilliance of how this happens.
- The business like transaction of the OM. There is the asking if the person would like to OM, and the accepting or denying of the request. It’s supposed to be that simple. No explanations, no justification, no qualifies. “Would you like to OM?” “Yes.” “No.” It is actually supposed to be *this simple.*
Do to the conditioning for both men and women, it’s not aways so simple. I had a partner that would become quite triggered at being told no to just about anything so this was not always easy question for me, knowing that if I said no I’d likely be on the receiving end of lots of projection and anger. (Oh! the amount of emotional labor required of me at times before I got out of that dynamic. It’s horrifying thinking about it now.) Being in a relationship with your OM partner can be amazing, but it can also lead to some real messes!
Now that I’m OMing with someone I’m not in a relationship with, I get to understand the intended simplicity, and I get to directly experience the simplicity of it. He asks, I answer. That’s it. No emotional labor. No commerce. I now understand the beauty of OM circles, and how learning it in a community would have really helped me due to my own patterning. I am loving being able to have this this direct exchange with my current OM partner.
- Making requests once the OM is underway. Requests allow the woman to control and own her orgasm. She decides the speed, the pressure, and the stroke in it’s entirety. It is the job of the strokee to comply. And if he doesn’t then it’s the job of he strokee to request again until she gets what she wants. Again, simple, right?
Not always. A woman is going to come up against her barriers, and a man is going to come up against his. Hopefully each will journey with what their barriers are, and continue to move from their edge with regards to this. It’s very empowering for a woman’s to be this connected to her pleasure, and to ask for movement to happen which will impact her pleasure. It’s empowering knowing that this is all for her- for her pleasure.
The container leaves little room for emotional labor to play out, except in the people’s heads. And that is just more for the person to explore. So again-the experience reinforces that it’s her orgasm, with no emotional labor required.
- The end of the OM/packing up. Here’s the big one I’m exploring these days. It’s the part my ex boyfriend and I were sloppiest about. It was the part of the OM experience I didn’t understand. It was the part of the OM experience that enabled emotional labor and sexual commerce/ use of my orgasm and the oxytocin response.
At the end of an OM, after brief frames, the nest is to be packed up. And the couple is to leave the room. Go for a walk. Do something different. This was lost on me. I thought, why would you want loose a good oxytocin high? Why not just build on it? Bask in it? Get lost in it? First, let me just say that there’s nothing wrong with basking in the oxytocin high. There’s nothing wrong with sharing it with your partner. **When done consciously.** When this is consciously being chosen, then awesome. For me, I didn’t know what I was choosing/setting myself. I knew I was in a pleasure loop that I didn’t want to get out of, but I didn’t realize what the cost was.
The cost was that it continued to relay to me that my orgasm goes to other. I repeatedly gave my orgasm away. Again, it’s fine if one is doing that consciously, but I was doing it because I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to. I think this is the fish bowl that women live in- we don’t know that we can have pleasure, and keep it for ourselves, because we don’t really deeply grok that it’s ours.
The cost of doing this- of handing over my pleasure over to my stroker in the form of verbal praise, long hugs, caresses, kisses, or blow jobs or sex itself- re-emphasised cultural norms as opposed to deconstructed them (as is intended with the OM container). It relayed to me that if I was pleasured then I should share it with someone else. It relayed that if I was pleasured then the other person deserved to get some of that yum. it relayed in a million ways that my orgasm wasn’t for me, just for me. And it kept me from groking that it’s appropriate, intended and valid for me to soak it up all for me- because it *is* all for me. The cost was also that it played out into our relationship, in ways that were very harmful for my psyche and which ended the relationship altogether.
With my current OM partner, the boundaries are clear. The contain is firmly set. We do our frames, we pack up, and the OM ends. There’s no commerce. There’s no making sure he’s satisfied. There’s no emotional labor. This is so amazing! (I admit that it has taken some getting used to, since I was so steeped in my old conditioning). And what’s amazing is that this is returning my will back into myself (I’m still writing about OMing and will, I promise!). This has brought me such wholeness into myself and my life. The impact is clear. I am grateful.
So, back to the container. This is why it’s important that the container is set, while “sober” (i.e. before being drunk on oxytocin), because once the woman is high with orgasm it’s going to be almost impossible for her to make a sober choice. Oxytocin is one of the most strongest drugs in the world, and it’s in those moments that she can be convinced of just about anything. I have to be VERY conscious what’s I’m doing while in such a state even with my stranger OM dude. 😉 My vigilance centers are down, my boundaries are down, and i’m in a yes saying mood. But because of the container, if it’s actually followed, **i don’t have to worry about it.**. And this is simply profound.
So please, men and women, set the container. Enforce the container. And if you decide to break the container, do it consciously- with full acknowledgement. And only do it after you’ve got some sober OMs under your belt so that you can both get to know the full impact of the OM container.
It’s really important for the evolution of deconstructing cultural norms. It’s really important for that women’s will be given space to grow and expand. And it’s really important for men too- I don’t overtly explain why that is, but if you are able to value women enough to support their sovereignty , and to do that which will help empower her, you will directly benefit. Your own sense of depth will reveal itself. Your own sense of being connected to both yourself and female will become self evident. Men don’t need to “take” a woman’s orgasm, or be coddled with emotional labor. Men are capable of widening themselves to so that they can receive the energy that naturally radiates from an empowered woman.
Thanks for reading. 🙂