I had a vague intention this morning: connect with perceiving. Dropping directly to raw perceiving is not easy as the brain automatically constructs content and context. The brain gathers data, past and current, and puts it into imagined happenings- constructed happenings. This is what we call “life” most of the time. But it’s not really life, it’s a mentally constructed life. When we pull back the constructed happenings- thoughts and images- we’re left with raw perceivings.
I danced with this this morning. Dropping constructs, then noticing them back, then dropping them again, only for them to come back. In and out of attention, constructs come. It’s a weeding through the haystack to find the needle, sometimes.
As he grounded me in the beginning, something shifted wrt my perspective of what I was receiving. These were not just touches from a stranger. They were touches of love, and care, and nurturing. He had lost his “he” identity, and it was just perceiving energy, starting and ending with “my” perceiving. Subject and object, him and me, dropped away. It became all about perceiving, all which happens as/in/from/through “me.” (Oh words, you just can’t get the nuances sometimes!) In this way, I was my own toucher. I was touching my legs. I was giving myself the love of touch. “He” had become my lover, but it was really that I was my own lover. All perceivings, a gift from me, as me, to me.
This strange way of meeting reality continued throughout the OM. “Slower strokes,” came a whisper to him. (I don’t normally whisper in an OM!) But I wasn’t whispering to him. The whisper was to my beloved- to me . “He” was no longer stroking me, I was stroking me. “Shorter strokes,” I said, another time. Again, I was talking to myself, giving myself what I wanted. With the subject/object dissipated, it was only for me. It was me making love to/with/as me. I marveled at the softness/loving perceptions of what I was experiencing- of percieving- hands on my thighs, the whispers and various requests, sounds releasing, the undulations and movements of my body, the touch on my pussy and clit, the safe porting afterwards. There was something pervasively intimate and kind and loving happening- all under this altered perceptual context of reality.
At one point in the OM, as subject and object continued to drop away it was clear that there was no stroker, there was no strokee. There was no finger and there was no clit. There was no location, no pussy. I felt the sensation BOOM big, deep, wide and all encompassing. I couldn’t tell what was happening within the construct – I couldn’t even tell if his finger was moving. I just felt a big wave… so big, so big. The wave encompassed all of “me” and also penetrated deeply into “me” except that there was no him and there was no me. The power of the orgasm became so intense that mind/constructs jumped back in, then out, then in.
One might wonder, if constructs were dropped, how can there even be requests made, or distinctions that lead one to making requests. I don’t know how to answer that question, other then I let the percievings guide, and the percievings speak. Also, it’s not like I was 100% out of thought construct. 😀 As one might imagine, this OM passed quickly. I didn’t want it to end- my system felt so relaxed and cared for. I find this all fascinating and a little bit magical! and also a little hard to write about as tends to be the case with magic. 😉