Follow the orgasm

I had this interesting moment in an OM this morning. It was clear that he wasn’t on my clit, but where he was felt SO GOOD that there was no need to request an adjustment.
it reminded me of a fb chat where people were stressing about if they were in the right “spot”, or that the clit was too sensitive to be stroked, and other procedural concerns. If followed as intended, the strokee will make requests based on her relationship to her orgasm. Her requests will lead to needed adjustments. If we trust ourselves,  our orgasm will lead us to “the right spot” of that moment, wherever that is. It may not be on the clit!

I am the gatekeeper of my oxytocin.

I am the gatekeeper of my oxytocin.

I’m feeling super grateful this morning for being able to be the gatekeeper of my oxytocin, for my orgasm. I didn’t always have this capacity.  I didn’t even understand that I was giving it away, and often letting others suck it out of me. I didn’t realize that it had become a commodity. I didn’t realize that the masculine felt so entitled to it that my lack of will, my constant opening and surrender, was seen as a good thing. I didn’t realize that I was living out the culturally mandated toxic female- to serve and surrender to stay safe and loved. I didn’t notice my exhaustion after a weekend with my lover -as I energetically and spiritually gave gave and gave from my oxytocin and orgasmic high. And I didn’t notice that this giving was aiding his toxic masculine-keeping him infantile instead of maturing.
I’m blown away by the power of owning my orgasm. It’s truly empowering, for me and for the masculine. Both people win when there is full accountability and energetic consciousness of exchange.

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The power of presence

I feel a bit like the OM container has become this well oiled machine that provides such richness in my life. Of course the design itself helps facilitate this, and, it also feels like my  consciousness  with regard to OMing and with regards to my own container has evolved in such a way to bring a new level of… service for my being. It feels truly like a gift.

This morning I was deeply exploring the topic of presence- or to say more accurately the experience of presence. I could feel in the depth of my being that presence is truly one of the most important things for me these days, if not *the* most important thing. My system craves it. Yearns it. And at this point of my journey, my system  pretty much demands it. It’s too painful to not be with presence, individually as well as with others.  As such, it seems imperative for my evolution that I be present with my own presence, but also that i am with people who are able to be present with themselves, present with me, and move from this place. In short, this means making presence a priority wrt my own personal container, and making presence a priority in the containers with other people. In yesterday’s blog post I was basically pointing to this. Presence. Yes. Bingo.

Presence can be hard to come by in this world. It’s not something our culture teaches- in fact it’s something our culture teaches us to dissociate from. It certainly wasn’t a part of my familial container. I did have family members who were present with me- my Grandmother Mimi was such person. She was my first best friend, and someone who I felt a deep connection with. Otherwise, I was never taught how to be present with myself, and I didn’t have the direct experience of people being present with myself.

I’m still learning how to be present with myself. I’ve come a long way baby! And I’m still learning how to make distinctions with regards to who I spend time with and how. Again, I’ve come a long. Becoming deeply intimate with my own container of being and what it wants and needs has allowed me to become more deeply intimate with what I need and want from the people in my life- from life’s containers.

This morning it felt like a ton of bricks had rammed into my heart when I realized that what I had most wanted from my last relationship was presence. Giving other’s my presence is fairly easy for me- I literally get paid for it. It’s my go to way of being. That also means that it can be part of my patterning to give it when it’s not being reciprocated. There was a dysfunctional part of me that thought that if I was “unconditionally” present with my ex then eventually he’d be present with me. (Of course, this was subconsciously playing out.)  Over and over my heart would break at his lack of compassion, empathy, support, and presence. Rather then get out of the relationship I kept hoping it would change and would internally resource or resource with others.In OM terms this would be me ignoring/overlooking unsatisfactory strokes,  me not making clear and definitive requests with regards to adjustments, and me staying in a container that was not fully supporting my orgasm. Not good distinction making on my part. Lots and lots of heart break.  This morning I allowed myself to deeply grieve this lack of presence in that dynamic. Afterwards I realized that I needed to make it a conscious part of future containers.

Luckily I do already have this in my closest dynamics- in fact, I have it with all my closest friends. It’s just a part of our beings- and it’s part of what we gift each other with. We assume responsibility for our emotional responses, and when we feel triggered we name it and put it out into the open.  In fact I’m so used to having it that when I have exchanges with people that are fueled more from defense then presence, it feels like a knife in my chest and cob webs in my brain. It’s just not sustainable energetically for me to use my resources in these kinds of dynamics. Unless the container is strictly superficial, it just won’t do.

Of course it is important for me to continue to inner resource and wake up to my own presence. But it is also important that I consider the level of presence with the people I am spending my time with-to life’s containers. I experience such presence in my OMs, and that is done with someone I barely know. It seems quite reasonable that I can have this in any container if I give it the conscious importance it deserves. When I pay attention to  strokes, to adjustments, to requests-inside the OM container, in life’s containers, and in my relationship with my being- I can bring awareness to the level of presence and use that as a gauge. It feels like an important tool/pointer- and a really important one for the enrichment of my life.

 

 

 

Strokes and containers in life.

“Everyone needs to ask for the adjustment she desires … we each need to take responsibility for our own selected journey , so that we may choose the ride our body travels on.”  From an OM Facebook group. I adore this quote.

I continue to revisit how I notice the strokes in life and my responses; my openings, my closings, my requests, my expressions, my orgasm.  It’s easy to loose relationship with this way of viewing life. It’s easy to just zone out. And I find it so rich and helpful to zoom in though. Why not be as present as possible, while I’m here?

Part of this study of paying attention to strokes, is paying attention to strokes with regard to/in relationship to containers. There’s various containers- my container of physical beingness (how i am in relationship with myself), the container between a parent and child, the OM container, the container between platonic acquaintance,  the container between committed lovers, and so on. These different containers all have their different flavors. They all have their different strokes.

The container established in an OM can be such a delight. Simple. Clear. Clean. Mutual agreements between mature adults. Accountability. There are containers “in life” that can mimic the microcosmic OM container, and when I find these containers they are so amazing and valuable.  I am grateful to have many such containers in my life- they provide me with support and also help me expand because I am able to explore my edge in these containers. Because my own personal container benefits from these kinds of containers it is imperative to have conscious and quality based  containers in my life.

Have you ever become used to clean and clear containers while OMing and then experience the opposite of that? It’s rather jarring. For me, it’s the same in life. I know how wonderful it feels to have clean and clear life containers. It can  feel jarring, even nerve wracking, when I’m used to clean and clear containers and I wind up in the absence of that.

I often set myself up when it comes to creating the kind of container I want. Unlike in OMing, it’s not so cut and dry. Sometimes I falsely assume that I have a particular kind of container- maybe based on hopes and dreams, maybe based on positive past experiences, maybe it’s disillusionment.  It’s important for me to pay attention to my interactions and to the strokes in the interactions. Paying attention, and then making distinctions, decreases the set ups, and the upset.

When I slow down and pay attention, I can notice the strokes of the people I’m interacting with, and I can get a sense of the container we have. Are they harsh? Are they defensive? Are they hidden? Are they heady? Are they curious? Are they coming from the heart, or from fear? Are they off the mark, repeatedly? Do they deny my requests? Do they ignore my requests? Do they just do whatever they want, in spite of my requests? Maybe they simply do not have the capacity to take my requests in, and adjust as needed.

If I am wanting soft strokes (for example), and my stroker is never able to give me soft strokes, I’m not going to OM with him. If I’m wanting presence, and what shows up is defense, I’m less likely to OM- literally and metaphorically. These kinds of distinctions are useful in respecting my own container of being. And these kinds of distinctions are useful in deciding who (and how) I’m going to spend time with in life.

As I study strokes and containers, it’s useful to watch my system try to adjust to the stroke. Sometimes the adjustment can come in the form of making a request. Sometimes it can come from saying no. Sometimes it can come from me moving, toward or away. Adjustments in an OM feel so easy to me these days. Adjustments in life? Not so easy. Sometimes I still try to appease or avoid conflict. Sometimes I dumb myself down. And sometimes I imagine I have a particular kind container with someone, when I really don’t.

To tune in to adjustment necessitates that I get really honest with myself. Am I self sacrificing/sabatoging to try to get something to work? Or am I acknowledging how the stroke feels, and being true to that, express from there?

My personal container feels the difference. My personal container craves clean and clear. It thrives in support and nourishment. It also thrives on being able to vulnerability and moving from places that push my edge. It feels important to mention this last sentence because some people might assume the container i’m looking for is one of 100% safety where I can promptly go to sleep. No, thanks. I’m interested in waking up. As odd as it might sound, making distinctions/being particular about my own personal container and the containers I “live in” seems to assist in waking up. If you’ve OMed, this becomes crystal clear.

Integrity within my personal container and with containers in life is immensely satisfying. It’s not easy. It requires turning away from what doesn’t work. It might mean endings,  and that can be hard. But when I move from what’s true, as opposed to what i’m wanting to be true or hoping to be true, my life is richer and fulfilling. Paying attention to strokes and to the flow of who I’m playing with in life makes me feel more alive as my energy is not dumped or sucked. My orgasm thanks me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grounding

As I was being grounded at the end of today’s OM, as I was grounding myself, I felt gratitude for the part of this practice. “Press harder please”, I requested to my partner. I often make this request at the end of the two minutes, as the hands press into the pussy, but this came as he was grounding my legs. I could really feel my system want to be grounded, and I could feel how the pressure of his hands on my thighs assisted the grounding as I consciously felt the energy moving down my legs. It is a gorgeous feeling to be intimate with the energy sinking down through the pelvis, down through the legs.

I’m grateful that my ex teacher incorporated special grounding practices into the lineage practice she taught after feeling how important it was for functioning and for embodiment. I constantly come across people who have been doing spiritual practices that don’t know anything about grounding- and it shows. Our culture in general is not very embodied, and neither are the majority of spiritual practices. In general, through culture or through teachings, we’re taught to get out of the body, to go “up and out” of the body. We wind up dissociated- be living in the heavens, or living in our heads. Neither are very useful for being fully present in our lives.

I love that the OM practice has this very important component. It feels wise, so important, to honor our systems with grounding energy. OMmmmmm

 

Life’s Strokes

In the last couple days I’ve been getting a glimpse of ‘strokes’ that occur outside the OM container, in life. I don’t have much comprehension of it from an OT perspective, and I’m looking forward to exploring this topic with veteran OMers. In the mean time, I’m playing with it how I relate to it. It’s a bit nebulous, but I can feel it.

I received a email from an ex this morning. In OM language, I could feel the strokes in the email. I could feel the impacts of the strokes. Some of the strokes were satisfying. Some where not. The email didn’t bring completion. It didn’t bring resolution. But it brought something of value, something deep and wide and beautiful. Something *in me* opened, in certain ways, to various strokes.

In OM language, it was a good pressure.  Especially satisfying: it was the right speed. The length of the strokes was lovely. The email feel nurturing, “warm”, sweet, kind. Perhaps the stroke was not long enough at times.  Perhaps the stroke was not penetrating enough at times. Perhaps the stroke was off center, off the clit a bit. Perhaps it was too quick at times. But damn, over all it felt good. Not because it solved anything. I don’t even know why. Maybe because I could feel the flow. The conscious attention to movement. His own orgasm. My orgasm.

I realized that the email had been satisfying as I was being stroked this morning. The strokes  felt so good. So connected to my pussy. Even flow. Smooth. Nurturing. Soft. Warm. Present. When my mind jumped to the email,  that’s how the email felt. And that’s when the experience of strokes in our daily moments/lives dropped in more deeply, revealing themselves for me to see more clearly. Once again, the microcosm of the OM revealing itself in the macro.

I don’t know if this is how OT references “being stroked” in our daily lives but my attention is really tuning toward the stroke of moments- their impact, my responses, the adjustments made, the surrender or resistance. It’s hard to pinpoint at times- it feels subtle but also “real.” This exploration excites me.

Honoring my own container

Continued explorations of how the OM container is helping me become more intimate with the container of my physical being, i.e.  to learn from the micro cosmic OM experience and transfer those learnings into practice in life…

Using OM language, these days I’m really studying how in life I have been loose with my container of physical being. I’ve not listened to how the strokes have been impacting me. When I’ve felt impact I’ve not made requests. Rinse Repeat a million.

I once had a lover where if I spent more then 2 days with him I’d get constipated and/or get UTI symptoms. As an intuitive I knew this person had a lot of repressed anger and shame, and my container was basically getting clogged up with his shit, no pun intended. He prided himself in being a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, so my attempt to express to him that he was having an impact on my system was not heard. In addition, I  did not express confidently what I intuitively knew to be true- I didn’t really honor the impact I was experiencing and move from that. And then, I started to doubt my body’s response, because I wanted to continue to hang out with this guy.  In OMing this would be akin to starting to doubt that the strokers’ finger needs to be adjusted- to the right, left, etc. And instead try to adjust from inside myself just so you could keep OMing.

And that’s exactly what I did. Because  I was not able to really honor the impact, and because it felt like communicating the impact wasn’t heard, I fell into a common spiritual trap- I decided to make it about me. I took the impact I was experiencing to be a deficiency on my part. In OM language, this might translate to “I must not be feeling his finger right.” or “There must be something wrong with me (based on my response to his stroke.” And then instead of making a request, to just deal with it from the inside, so to speak.  Negotiating with one’s felt response is not the way to honest and intimate relationships, with self or other. It’s a subtle way of gas lighting oneself, and of disregarding one’s own container. Women know what gas lighting feels like. It’s awful.It’s violent.
In OMing we don’t silently endure and try to realign our experience- we communicate that something isn’t working for us by making a request. It can be so simple and so easy. In life, it isn’t always so simple and easy, but through OMing and other somatic based practices I’m learning to trust the inherent wisdom of my being, of my personal container, and moving from that. I’m happy to say that this is really starting to happen and it’s amazing!
This morning I woke up to find a message from a friend- I’ll get to that in a minute. He has romantic feelings for me, I don’t have them for him. I’m really committed to having a platonic container with this person. This dynamic gives me the opportunity to practice honoring what’s true for me, what feels good for me. And it has given me good practice in expressing myself with regard to our container.  Moreover, I’ve gotten to experience that being clean and clear in myself without acting from that doesn’t translate to a clean and clear container. It’s not just “an inside job.”Being clean and clear means that I say no to behaviors/verbage that are crossing the platonic line. And it means saying no to my own patterning.

It’s not always easy. My tendencies to flirt and be charming and be sexual can be strong at times so it necessitates conscious awareness on my part of my actions- am I really committed to a clean and clear container? And then to communicate when the container feels off can also be challenging.

Just like in an OM, I’m invited to put the wants of my personal container above wanting to please, wanting to be loved or wanting to be seen a certain way. In OM language, I constantly get to check in with myself. What is my personal container wanting? Where is my orgasm? I make my requests. He adjusts his stroke. I make more requests. He adjusts his stroke. Again, this is not always easy, but it’s extremely empowering as my personal container is being honored and valued. He may not respond well, he may turn away. That is the risk of being true to myself. But in my experience that’s part the journey.

This morning when I read my friend’s message I felt some nausea rise. This is a way that my personal container communicates. The nausea lets me know that something is off. My patterning has been to either deny it (oh, it’s nothing), try to smooth it over (some kind of justification), or make it an inside job. To do any of those is to violate my personal container. It diminishes not just myself but the friendship. This morning I stayed with the impact of my friend’s message- the nausea, and instead of treating it as something wrong with me, I treated it as wisdom. The message felt like a violation of our platonic container and instead of settling, making excuses, or just feeling it it, I felt it AND I acted. I let him know that the langue he had used didn’t feel like it honored our platonic container.

In an OM we take ourselves seriously, through and through. When we do this, our orgasm can’t help but to rise. In life, I want to take myself seriously through and through. The more tuned in to my body the more my body will communicate to me- in very simple and straightforward ways. But I have to be willing to listen, and move from that. I have to be willing to put my orgasm, my aliveness, first. I have to be willing to put my personal containers first. If I can’t honor and value my own personal container, who will?