Continued explorations of how the OM container is helping me become more intimate with the container of my physical being, i.e. to learn from the micro cosmic OM experience and transfer those learnings into practice in life…
Using OM language, these days I’m really studying how in life I have been loose with my container of physical being. I’ve not listened to how the strokes have been impacting me. When I’ve felt impact I’ve not made requests. Rinse Repeat a million.
I once had a lover where if I spent more then 2 days with him I’d get constipated and/or get UTI symptoms. As an intuitive I knew this person had a lot of repressed anger and shame, and my container was basically getting clogged up with his shit, no pun intended. He prided himself in being a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, so my attempt to express to him that he was having an impact on my system was not heard. In addition, I did not express confidently what I intuitively knew to be true- I didn’t really honor the impact I was experiencing and move from that. And then, I started to doubt my body’s response, because I wanted to continue to hang out with this guy. In OMing this would be akin to starting to doubt that the strokers’ finger needs to be adjusted- to the right, left, etc. And instead try to adjust from inside myself just so you could keep OMing.
And that’s exactly what I did. Because I was not able to really honor the impact, and because it felt like communicating the impact wasn’t heard, I fell into a common spiritual trap- I decided to make it about me. I took the impact I was experiencing to be a deficiency on my part. In OM language, this might translate to “I must not be feeling his finger right.” or “There must be something wrong with me (based on my response to his stroke.” And then instead of making a request, to just deal with it from the inside, so to speak. Negotiating with one’s felt response is not the way to honest and intimate relationships, with self or other. It’s a subtle way of gas lighting oneself, and of disregarding one’s own container. Women know what gas lighting feels like. It’s awful.It’s violent.
In OMing we don’t silently endure and try to realign our experience- we communicate that something isn’t working for us by making a request. It can be so simple and so easy. In life, it isn’t always so simple and easy, but through OMing and other somatic based practices I’m learning to trust the inherent wisdom of my being, of my personal container, and moving from that. I’m happy to say that this is really starting to happen and it’s amazing!
This morning I woke up to find a message from a friend- I’ll get to that in a minute. He has romantic feelings for me, I don’t have them for him. I’m really committed to having a platonic container with this person. This dynamic gives me the opportunity to practice honoring what’s true for me, what feels good for me. And it has given me good practice in expressing myself with regard to our container. Moreover, I’ve gotten to experience that being clean and clear in myself without acting from that doesn’t translate to a clean and clear container. It’s not just “an inside job.”Being clean and clear means that I say no to behaviors/verbage that are crossing the platonic line. And it means saying no to my own patterning.
It’s not always easy. My tendencies to flirt and be charming and be sexual can be strong at times so it necessitates conscious awareness on my part of my actions- am I really committed to a clean and clear container? And then to communicate when the container feels off can also be challenging.
Just like in an OM, I’m invited to put the wants of my personal container above wanting to please, wanting to be loved or wanting to be seen a certain way. In OM language, I constantly get to check in with myself. What is my personal container wanting? Where is my orgasm? I make my requests. He adjusts his stroke. I make more requests. He adjusts his stroke. Again, this is not always easy, but it’s extremely empowering as my personal container is being honored and valued. He may not respond well, he may turn away. That is the risk of being true to myself. But in my experience that’s part the journey.
This morning when I read my friend’s message I felt some nausea rise. This is a way that my personal container communicates. The nausea lets me know that something is off. My patterning has been to either deny it (oh, it’s nothing), try to smooth it over (some kind of justification), or make it an inside job. To do any of those is to violate my personal container. It diminishes not just myself but the friendship. This morning I stayed with the impact of my friend’s message- the nausea, and instead of treating it as something wrong with me, I treated it as wisdom. The message felt like a violation of our platonic container and instead of settling, making excuses, or just feeling it it, I felt it AND I acted. I let him know that the langue he had used didn’t feel like it honored our platonic container.
In an OM we take ourselves seriously, through and through. When we do this, our orgasm can’t help but to rise. In life, I want to take myself seriously through and through. The more tuned in to my body the more my body will communicate to me- in very simple and straightforward ways. But I have to be willing to listen, and move from that. I have to be willing to put my orgasm, my aliveness, first. I have to be willing to put my personal containers first. If I can’t honor and value my own personal container, who will?