I feel a bit like the OM container has become this well oiled machine that provides such richness in my life. Of course the design itself helps facilitate this, and, it also feels like my consciousness with regard to OMing and with regards to my own container has evolved in such a way to bring a new level of… service for my being. It feels truly like a gift.
This morning I was deeply exploring the topic of presence- or to say more accurately the experience of presence. I could feel in the depth of my being that presence is truly one of the most important things for me these days, if not *the* most important thing. My system craves it. Yearns it. And at this point of my journey, my system pretty much demands it. It’s too painful to not be with presence, individually as well as with others. As such, it seems imperative for my evolution that I be present with my own presence, but also that i am with people who are able to be present with themselves, present with me, and move from this place. In short, this means making presence a priority wrt my own personal container, and making presence a priority in the containers with other people. In yesterday’s blog post I was basically pointing to this. Presence. Yes. Bingo.
Presence can be hard to come by in this world. It’s not something our culture teaches- in fact it’s something our culture teaches us to dissociate from. It certainly wasn’t a part of my familial container. I did have family members who were present with me- my Grandmother Mimi was such person. She was my first best friend, and someone who I felt a deep connection with. Otherwise, I was never taught how to be present with myself, and I didn’t have the direct experience of people being present with myself.
I’m still learning how to be present with myself. I’ve come a long way baby! And I’m still learning how to make distinctions with regards to who I spend time with and how. Again, I’ve come a long. Becoming deeply intimate with my own container of being and what it wants and needs has allowed me to become more deeply intimate with what I need and want from the people in my life- from life’s containers.
This morning it felt like a ton of bricks had rammed into my heart when I realized that what I had most wanted from my last relationship was presence. Giving other’s my presence is fairly easy for me- I literally get paid for it. It’s my go to way of being. That also means that it can be part of my patterning to give it when it’s not being reciprocated. There was a dysfunctional part of me that thought that if I was “unconditionally” present with my ex then eventually he’d be present with me. (Of course, this was subconsciously playing out.) Over and over my heart would break at his lack of compassion, empathy, support, and presence. Rather then get out of the relationship I kept hoping it would change and would internally resource or resource with others.In OM terms this would be me ignoring/overlooking unsatisfactory strokes, me not making clear and definitive requests with regards to adjustments, and me staying in a container that was not fully supporting my orgasm. Not good distinction making on my part. Lots and lots of heart break. This morning I allowed myself to deeply grieve this lack of presence in that dynamic. Afterwards I realized that I needed to make it a conscious part of future containers.
Luckily I do already have this in my closest dynamics- in fact, I have it with all my closest friends. It’s just a part of our beings- and it’s part of what we gift each other with. We assume responsibility for our emotional responses, and when we feel triggered we name it and put it out into the open. In fact I’m so used to having it that when I have exchanges with people that are fueled more from defense then presence, it feels like a knife in my chest and cob webs in my brain. It’s just not sustainable energetically for me to use my resources in these kinds of dynamics. Unless the container is strictly superficial, it just won’t do.
Of course it is important for me to continue to inner resource and wake up to my own presence. But it is also important that I consider the level of presence with the people I am spending my time with-to life’s containers. I experience such presence in my OMs, and that is done with someone I barely know. It seems quite reasonable that I can have this in any container if I give it the conscious importance it deserves. When I pay attention to strokes, to adjustments, to requests-inside the OM container, in life’s containers, and in my relationship with my being- I can bring awareness to the level of presence and use that as a gauge. It feels like an important tool/pointer- and a really important one for the enrichment of my life.