Waves and forces

 

 

My heart is craving connection. Even thought I know it isn’t true, I’ve been indoctrinated to always assume connection happens with “other”.  My system looks for, believes in, “other” in many ways. Sometimes casually, sometimes desperately. Either way, without that “other” here, I’m left with me. And with that comes a whole lot to feel.

Being “left with me” ultimately means I’m just left wide open and vulnerable. Tagging along are my human fears of rejection and human wants of love (all based upon “other”). And yet this fear of rejection and wanting of love beckon **me**- not other- to respond. *I* am invited to feel it all. These fears and wants are inviting me to accept and love myself as I feel what I feel, as I experience what I experience. To take it all in. To connect with all my bits as they reveal themselves. To connect with the overwhelm and wanting to pause. To connect with the fear of rejection. To connect with wanting to experience love. All of that gets to be allowed here, in this human experience, as intimate connecting happens. Here.

I mention all this because my study with sensation, sensation as it dances with/as me, apart from “other”, is soaking my attention today.  My strokers finger barely existed today. Clear references to “other” were not holding up in solid ways. I was deeply submerged in energetic resonances that were “under” divisions of me or him.

Today’s OM: Sometimes the orgasm feels like it is pressing itself down in/onto me. Other times it feels like it is barreling out of/from me. And sometimes it feels like it is doing a dance between the two. I think I need many more field hours to explore this. 😉

The orgasm pressing down inwards oscillating with flowing outwards… I don’t quite have the words for it, but it seems to point to the dance of life. The dance of energy and the dance of life: openings and closings, contractions and releases, constriction and expansion.

At one moment in the OM it felt like there were so many hands on me! (talk about the paradox of “other”!) It felt like there were hands on my thighs, under me, around me. My orgasm was engaging in so many ways outward, and then would come barreling back down inwards- as if it was pressing down into my clit and to the rest of my insides from there. The contrast of the gentle orgasmic flow around me, to the rather intense urgent kind of expression, was a lot.

All of this mirrors life to me. The 15 minute window to the rest of life. So many kinds of experiences in our days- so much pushing, pullings, grasping, releasing. So much pleasure, amidst distance and discomfort and overwhelm. So much that seems to be coming from other, that is other “based”, but is ultimately only ever arising within/as oneself.

Cyclone spirals

Lately, every morning when I wake up my heart chakra has been “on”- I can feel it quite viscerally. It’s like my heart, every morning, and all throughout the day, into the evening is calling to me. Being the student of my experience that I am, that I try to be, I have been honoring that call with my attention. Even though my thoughts distract, I keep coming back to her calling. It takes conscious and agreed upon focus, because there are so many things that could distract me from her call. So many thoughts, so much mental activity, and so many other experiences want to draw my attention. I notice the distractions, the meandering of attention, and I diligently go back. Over and over, I return to her call.

I don’t take her call casually. When it’s my heart, I pay attention. I once had a teacher who shared words I’ll never forget- do whatever it takes for your heart to open. My addendum- whenever your heart is opening, do whatever it take to stay with it. There is preciousness here. Divinity. Exquisiteness. It is like water in the dessert- do not turn aside from her, do not let her go to waste. When she calls, I listen. I listen with my attention.

That’s what was alive for me prior to my OM this morning. That’s what wanted to be written pre-OM, and what was still alive for me when I laid down to OM. I let my partner know I was experiencing some “heart stuff” and (as I’d told him before), if i start to cry or react, just keep going- I will be sure to make the requests I need. I’m not sure if this is what safe porting is, in OM terms, but doing so felt like it safe ported me as well as him.

When the OM started all my attention went to my heart (not surprising). It’s like my clit, his finger, the stroke didn’t exist. Eventually some attention did go there, and I started to make requests. His strokes were already soft and light and short- which tends to be my preference, but something was missing. I requested that he bring his attention lower and breath into his belly. All of the sudden the strokes started to meld with my heart- almost like an extension cord was running from my clit to my heart. There was a softness, a sweetness that ran up and down this cord- through my pussy and my heart. Tears came. It felt like love medicine.

The stroke continued to line up with my heart. There was a very sweet hovering kind of experience happening, and a dance within the hovering. It was like my attention was “above” my heart- words don’t really get it. Maybe it’s more like my heart extended beyond my form. Yes, that’s it. My heart was so big — larger then my body. And this was what was also going on with my clit.

This was a familiar experience- where it feels like my attention is going outward. This is not to say that I’m leaving something behind here. It’s not dissociation. It’s a widening, a “largening”, an expansion that leaves nothing behind. This “going outward” experience sometimes happens just with particularly areas of my body. With this OM i could feel it with my pussy and my heart. There was a convergence. The energy rose from my pussy and heart and spiraled upward, bit like a cyclone.

Something similar happened as to last week, where the wave, or the spiral, kept cycling upward. The longer the movement went the more momentum it seemed to have, and my orgasm kept getting wider and deeper and further outward. At the end of the OM, as he was grounding me, the orgasm continued to spiral, but deeper into and through me from head to toes. OOOOOOMMMMMMM

 

 

 

 

 

Connecting with turbulence

As I’m sitting here contemplating my OM from moments ago, I feel tears come. I’m in post oxytocin rush, and I’m feeling wide open and vulnerable. I’m also experiencing some dissonance..  to be so wide and open with my being, with another human being … who I have a superficial connection with.  I feel the full gamut of emotions… Exhilaration, yearning, desire, expansion, curiosity, satisfaction. But also fear, doubt, insecurity and dissatisfaction.

It seems to me that OMing is set up to be comfortably impersonal amidst the most personal of expressions/experiences. There is the tight container established so that ideally a woman will feel safe with practically a stranger stroking her pussy. The container is designed for her orgasm to be honored, allowed, and even encouraged. This all makes way for immense experiences of sovereignty to be experienced in an OM. I really love and adore this aspect of OMing.

And yet sometimes, no matter how tight the container is, no matter how much sovereignty I have,  overwhelm and fear come in anyway. Or, maybe were there to begin with. 😉

There’s so much to track in an OM. Today I wanted to pause the OM constantly. Not just activity or his finger, but the clock. There is so much happening! Can’t we just pause time so my system can take it in? Luckily time doesn’t literally have to stop for me to pause- I can make a request for my stroker to pause his finger, giving me the opportunity to have a little less stimulation and more space to process.

My stroker has never judged me or made me feel anything less then positive in our OMs. And yet I notice a fear today of rejection. I’m doing some hard core inner explorations these days and all my “stuff” is right on the surface. I am used to connecting with my own experience deeply, and today as I was getting my pussy stroked I felt the desire to intimately connect deeply  with another person. I don’t have that kind of relationship with my stroker, and as I feel that my heart yearns, stretches, breaks and widens. My heart is craving connection- and I’ve been indoctrinated to always assume connection happens with “other”. My humanity is craving other today.

The OM and all that it brought has left me feeling jostled. Sometime OMs feel stabilizing or settling. Sometimes I tap into a larger flow that contains everything with in it. Today I was more noticing the turbulence within the flow, and in that state I’m craving something wider then myself to “hold me.”

He’s long gone now, and I’m sitting by myself. Without that “other” here, I’m left with me. And with that comes a whole lot to feel as the stories roll in. After the stories roll in and roll out, I’m back to just feeling wide open and vulnerable- with my human fears of rejection and human wants of love. Fear of rejection and wanting of love beckon **me**- not other- to respond. These fears and wants are inviting me to accept and love myself as I feel what I feel, as I experience what I experience. To take it all in. To connect with all my bits as they reveal themselves. To connect with the overwhelm and wanting to pause. To connect with the fear of rejection. To connect with wanting to experience love. All of that gets to be allowed here, as intimate connecting happens.

As my perception of all becomes wider, the discombobulation shifts. Or, I could say, my experience of it shifts. Something, I could call it me, is able to be with all the turbulence, as I am the space that all that is happening within. My desire to connect with other is experienced whilst i am connecting with myself. There is nothing missing, nothing lacking, and no hole to fill.

When I sat down to write I had no idea what would come. I didn’t even know I had anything to say. But there is something beautiful in the invitation for me to blog- it encourage me to slow down. To pause. To feel. To take in the magnitude that can be in a 15 minute period of time. ❤

The fuck its… to fuck yes!

From 0-10 in seconds. Makes me wonder if I’m really ever at 0, or if it’s just the design of the clit to get turned on that fast. 😉

This was one of those OMs where my attention was largely consumed with my clit. I felt rushes jolt up my body as usual, but the majority of attention was centered on finger and clit- and the energetic sphere of the orgasm happening in that area.

You know when you have committed to something, and in the end it’s just too hard, and so you say “fuck it!”? I felt that throughout the OM. I saw images of me mounting my OM partner. I knew I could vocalize myself to climaxing. I knew I could easily take myself to oxytocin heaven any time I wanted. I could feel that “fuck it.”  I persevered. I said no to the “fuck it.” I persevered past the images, past the thoughts, past the mental happenings and kept dropping back down to the raw sensations that I *was* feelings, not the ones that I was edging with my imagination. Holy shit is that a fine line.

The reality we live in is so disguised with imagination that sometimes it seems impossible to stay present in direct experience. Which, of course, is the beauty of the design OM- it’s set up for us to do exactly that, if we are up to the challenge/exploration. It takes such willingness and readiness. And a knowing that what is *here* is always so much more profound and sustainably alive then anything else ever could be.

Back to that orgasmic energetic sphere. I like that phrase- it has a good ring to it. Jumping to the end of the OM, his finger and my clit were engage in a lovely dynamic. Smooth, slow, perfect pressure. Orgasm was in my body and around my body-  but it was particularly concentrated as that energetic sphere encompassing my clit.

As the first bell rang I was on an upward wave. There was something about this wave- maybe it was because of the timer calling “almost time” that brought a sense of urgency, but there was something about this wave that I wanted to ride. But it wasn’t just that. There was something about this wave that I wanted to control. I noticed that inkling to be in control and then instead I kept surrendering to the wave itself, over and over. As I did the wave kept getting bigger. My hips would start to push- as soon as i noticed the expression I surrendered and settled. And the wave kept moving upward. I rode on. My vocal cords wanted to release sounds of ecstasy. I noticed and surrounded. I rode on. My breathing became more pant like. I rode on. I wanted to move like a wild animal. I felt like I was on running for a touch down and I was arriving at the end zone and I *knew* how to get there. I could indeed push toward the “end zone.”  I surrendered and rode on. The second bell rang, and the wave was still rising. My whole body was singing a song of pleasure and my clit was in full glory.

I came (no pun intended) to that pivotal moment where the container was calling to me. I knew there was no right or wrong way to proceed- that I could have stayed with that wave. But it felt like it was time to come back into the container. I let my partner know. As he grounded me the orgasmic waves continued to explode. Eventually things settled, and my heart started to burn and tears spilled from my eyes. I had met another edge. There was something vulnerable about exposing the depth and width of my orgasm to my OM partner. I felt no shame, just love for her sweet and tender heart of being.

After all this time, I am surprised to discover how i am still a bit “shy” by how much pleasure i experience in an OM. Said another, perhaps more accurate way, at how overcome I am at times by the experience of pleasure. How it takes me. And how at times how I’m not sure if I can fully surrender to it due to fears of being too much. Sometimes it feels like my orgasm may consume the entire world- she is so big and full and… hungry.

My system continues to grow wide and deep as I keep meeting my edges.  Taking in more,  feeling more. My orgasm is all mine. She is all me. I am so big, and so full, and so hungry. I have the capacity to feel it all. To be it all. To include it all.  And that is a beautiful experience. Fuck yes!