Connecting with turbulence

As I’m sitting here contemplating my OM from moments ago, I feel tears come. I’m in post oxytocin rush, and I’m feeling wide open and vulnerable. I’m also experiencing some dissonance..  to be so wide and open with my being, with another human being … who I have a superficial connection with.  I feel the full gamut of emotions… Exhilaration, yearning, desire, expansion, curiosity, satisfaction. But also fear, doubt, insecurity and dissatisfaction.

It seems to me that OMing is set up to be comfortably impersonal amidst the most personal of expressions/experiences. There is the tight container established so that ideally a woman will feel safe with practically a stranger stroking her pussy. The container is designed for her orgasm to be honored, allowed, and even encouraged. This all makes way for immense experiences of sovereignty to be experienced in an OM. I really love and adore this aspect of OMing.

And yet sometimes, no matter how tight the container is, no matter how much sovereignty I have,  overwhelm and fear come in anyway. Or, maybe were there to begin with. 😉

There’s so much to track in an OM. Today I wanted to pause the OM constantly. Not just activity or his finger, but the clock. There is so much happening! Can’t we just pause time so my system can take it in? Luckily time doesn’t literally have to stop for me to pause- I can make a request for my stroker to pause his finger, giving me the opportunity to have a little less stimulation and more space to process.

My stroker has never judged me or made me feel anything less then positive in our OMs. And yet I notice a fear today of rejection. I’m doing some hard core inner explorations these days and all my “stuff” is right on the surface. I am used to connecting with my own experience deeply, and today as I was getting my pussy stroked I felt the desire to intimately connect deeply  with another person. I don’t have that kind of relationship with my stroker, and as I feel that my heart yearns, stretches, breaks and widens. My heart is craving connection- and I’ve been indoctrinated to always assume connection happens with “other”. My humanity is craving other today.

The OM and all that it brought has left me feeling jostled. Sometime OMs feel stabilizing or settling. Sometimes I tap into a larger flow that contains everything with in it. Today I was more noticing the turbulence within the flow, and in that state I’m craving something wider then myself to “hold me.”

He’s long gone now, and I’m sitting by myself. Without that “other” here, I’m left with me. And with that comes a whole lot to feel as the stories roll in. After the stories roll in and roll out, I’m back to just feeling wide open and vulnerable- with my human fears of rejection and human wants of love. Fear of rejection and wanting of love beckon **me**- not other- to respond. These fears and wants are inviting me to accept and love myself as I feel what I feel, as I experience what I experience. To take it all in. To connect with all my bits as they reveal themselves. To connect with the overwhelm and wanting to pause. To connect with the fear of rejection. To connect with wanting to experience love. All of that gets to be allowed here, as intimate connecting happens.

As my perception of all becomes wider, the discombobulation shifts. Or, I could say, my experience of it shifts. Something, I could call it me, is able to be with all the turbulence, as I am the space that all that is happening within. My desire to connect with other is experienced whilst i am connecting with myself. There is nothing missing, nothing lacking, and no hole to fill.

When I sat down to write I had no idea what would come. I didn’t even know I had anything to say. But there is something beautiful in the invitation for me to blog- it encourage me to slow down. To pause. To feel. To take in the magnitude that can be in a 15 minute period of time. ❤

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