Lately, every morning when I wake up my heart chakra has been “on”- I can feel it quite viscerally. It’s like my heart, every morning, and all throughout the day, into the evening is calling to me. Being the student of my experience that I am, that I try to be, I have been honoring that call with my attention. Even though my thoughts distract, I keep coming back to her calling. It takes conscious and agreed upon focus, because there are so many things that could distract me from her call. So many thoughts, so much mental activity, and so many other experiences want to draw my attention. I notice the distractions, the meandering of attention, and I diligently go back. Over and over, I return to her call.
I don’t take her call casually. When it’s my heart, I pay attention. I once had a teacher who shared words I’ll never forget- do whatever it takes for your heart to open. My addendum- whenever your heart is opening, do whatever it take to stay with it. There is preciousness here. Divinity. Exquisiteness. It is like water in the dessert- do not turn aside from her, do not let her go to waste. When she calls, I listen. I listen with my attention.
That’s what was alive for me prior to my OM this morning. That’s what wanted to be written pre-OM, and what was still alive for me when I laid down to OM. I let my partner know I was experiencing some “heart stuff” and (as I’d told him before), if i start to cry or react, just keep going- I will be sure to make the requests I need. I’m not sure if this is what safe porting is, in OM terms, but doing so felt like it safe ported me as well as him.
When the OM started all my attention went to my heart (not surprising). It’s like my clit, his finger, the stroke didn’t exist. Eventually some attention did go there, and I started to make requests. His strokes were already soft and light and short- which tends to be my preference, but something was missing. I requested that he bring his attention lower and breath into his belly. All of the sudden the strokes started to meld with my heart- almost like an extension cord was running from my clit to my heart. There was a softness, a sweetness that ran up and down this cord- through my pussy and my heart. Tears came. It felt like love medicine.
The stroke continued to line up with my heart. There was a very sweet hovering kind of experience happening, and a dance within the hovering. It was like my attention was “above” my heart- words don’t really get it. Maybe it’s more like my heart extended beyond my form. Yes, that’s it. My heart was so big — larger then my body. And this was what was also going on with my clit.
This was a familiar experience- where it feels like my attention is going outward. This is not to say that I’m leaving something behind here. It’s not dissociation. It’s a widening, a “largening”, an expansion that leaves nothing behind. This “going outward” experience sometimes happens just with particularly areas of my body. With this OM i could feel it with my pussy and my heart. There was a convergence. The energy rose from my pussy and heart and spiraled upward, bit like a cyclone.
Something similar happened as to last week, where the wave, or the spiral, kept cycling upward. The longer the movement went the more momentum it seemed to have, and my orgasm kept getting wider and deeper and further outward. At the end of the OM, as he was grounding me, the orgasm continued to spiral, but deeper into and through me from head to toes. OOOOOOMMMMMMM