That was my mantra this morning as I was out walking this spring morning- sun on my face, wind through my hair. There is always so much to notice and to experience, but it’s such a habit to think about what is happening now as opposed to be in the direct experience of what is happening now. There is quite a difference, experientially, between the two.
As I was getting comfortable for my OM this morning the intention to be aware of “what is happening now” came forth. Simple. First thing I noticed is that his stroke was too long. Second thing I noticed was “holy smokes! when he passes over my clit it’s crazy intense!” (I flashed back to a few days ago, when I realized that pussy had been quite sensitive lately- really on fire!) Third thing I noticed was that even though it was intense, I wanted the stroke more centered on the clit.
Through the intensity I managed to get these words out, “Pause, right there. Stop for a second. You know where your finger is right now? That’s my clit.” I was having a hard time speaking. It took effort and concentration. It felt like my body was shaking. This was literally 20? seconds into the OM. Something was happening here that I was way unfamiliar with. I felt my vulnerability. I was keenly aware. I kept speaking even though it was challenging to do so, even thought it felt like I might fall apart.”Stay right in that area,” in instructed him, in what felt like shaky words, “slow and even.”
He did exactly as I’d requested. I continued to feel the trembling and the out of controlness. The intensity was almost too much. Almost.
I’d heard about women who can’t have their clit directly touched. Or stroked. Because it’s too painful. I’d never experienced that before. But for the first time I wondered if this is what they were experiencing. I’m hesitant to call it pain because it didn’t feel like pain really. It just felt super intense. I could have asked for a softer stroke. But something really wanted to be studied with this pressure, this intensity.
From the get go my breaths were audible. And fast. Sound spurted out of me. My body jumped. Later my OM partner told me that one of my legs was shaking almost the whole time, and it felt like there was electricity coming out of it. I wasn’t able to discern the particularity of the leg shaking, but It felt like my whole system was trembling. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew I was on a ride that was going somewhere that I didn’t have familiarity with. “What is happening now?” grounded me.
I had the thought, “Oh I wish i was experiencing this with someone I had more intimacy with, because this is about too much.” There was my vigilance, wondering if it was safe enough for me to be this open, this raw, this exposed, with this person. In the next moment, I found that the answer was yes. Yes, I was safe enough to be experiencing this. To be out of control. For the orgasm to be living through me in this way. Vigilant thoughts stopped, and I was back to simply experiencing directly “what is happening now?”, as opposed to thoughts about what is happening now. The critical and analytical part of the brain was quiet enough so that I was able to be carried by this lived experience. I realize those are strange words, but these kinds of experiences are so ineffable sometimes. So yes- I was being carried by a lived experience. The thought “what is happening now?” faded, as I was consumed by the lived experience.
There were times when I was feeling SO much- legs shaking, sometimes yoni/hips/stomach shaking, heat consuming me, breathing erratic, etc. It really was a lot. If my brain was more on line I might have pushed the pause button, but that never crossed through my mind. There was just a stream of “yeses” with regards to what I was experiencing.
At one point I instinctually put my hands on his leg that was laying across my chest. I felt the solidity of the fabric, of substance, and felt grounded and safeported. Something about this allowed for me to fall even deeper into the lived experience. I felt so supported in my rawness that I could freely express my orgasm in ways that my vigilant centers would have censored in the past.
After the OM I felt so blown open that I didn’t want to move as I continued to feel consumed by the energy moving through my system. He told me that I was welcome to stay where I was and that he could show himself out, but I was mindful of the container and decided to get up. Which was nice on the one hand because I was able to connect with him about this really beautiful experience I’d just had, and also because I was reminded that this too was just an experience- and all experiences begin, and end. At the same time, I think it may have been useful to let myself gestate in what had transpired. Food for thought.
It felt amazingly freeing to feel such a level of rawness and vulnerability and openness with a person I see once a week. I shared with him how profound it was for me to have this deep level of support and presence from him. Sharing this also felt vulnerable for me.
While today’s OM was perhaps the most intense and profound OM I’ve ever experienced, I’m wary of making much of it- maybe because just about every OM feels so profound and amazing. I just know that I’m feeling a lot of gratitude for what OMing brings to my life.