This morning I woke up experiencing some ptsd trauma from a past relationship. I could feel that frozen energy in my body- taking me back to various times when i was with him, frozen in place, unable to get out of abusive situations. I let my body feel and experience all that came- sadness, anger, fear… self loathing and judgment… compassion and forgiveness. Tears, sobs, shakes and eventually smiles. Release, and relief.
My OM partner was due to arrive shortly, and I thought about cancelling OM because some of what I was processing was sexual trauma and I didn’t want to further traumatize myself. Trauma and OMing is a big topic- I know from personal experience OMing has the potential to help heal/integrate trauma, but I also know it can re-traumatisze. Instead I contacted him to see if we could push it back 15 minutes. I didn’t hear back from him, and felt ready when the appointed time came. I turns out he had misplaced his phone, so wouldn’t have gotten a cancellation message anyway. I thought about cancelling, once again- “will he be too stressed out about his phone to hold space for me?” I wondered. We’ve come to have a wonderful container over the the last year of OMing, and I decided to go for it. I safe ported him, and myself, explaining that I had been releasing some old stuff that morning, and so it was likely my body might shake during the OM.
I could feel him more deeply arrive in himself. As we situated ourselves I could feel his attentiveness to my comfort. I set an intention to continue to release what was ready to release. We began.
There wasn’t content- it was as if i’d already met that earlier that morning- but I could immediately feel a frozenness in my system. I kept grounding myself, into myself, also using his leg and his foot and his finger. There was not a lot of sensation in my clit. I wasn’t surprised. I kept feeling more into his legs and his foot. Into my hands, my legs, my feet, and my breath. I felt a sense of disconnect, but stayed patient with myself. Attention came to my heart, and I tended to her. She was scared, and as I felt him stroke my clit, I felt my heart being stroked. My body shook.
The fear kept arising and I felt immense vulnerability. At one point I asked him to pause the stroke so that I could feel what was there without any more incoming stimulation. I felt him. I felt me. My heart opened. I sobbed. I felt the fear. My body shook. I released. We resumed.
Not long after my clit came back on line and hot energy surged through my legs. I felt the energy from my clit go deep downward into my body, as if something was sucking my clit and his finger and everything into itself. My body undulated, deep sounds came out of my mouth- almost growls at times. At other times my clit seemed to open upward and a heart and clit energy merged in an ethereal space above and around me. I used attention to explore the “going down/into” energy of the orgasm and then the “going up/out” energy of the orgasm. They both felt expansive and deep in their own way. Perhaps this was a yin/yang kind of transmission or energetic exchange happening within my system. The two together felt both powerful and gentle. Nourishing and penetrating. Shortly after I felt a deep grounding into my lower chakras, particularly at the base of my spine. I felt immensely grounded into the earth, and into being. Hard to put into to words- but very connected. The opposite of how the OM started.
This OM seemed to contain so much within it- so many travels within travels. I didn’t want it to end because of how profound it felt for my system to have such a safe place to explore the ins and outs (no pun intended) of my clit, my emotions, …. my beingness. I felt so grateful for him, as I hugged him goodbye. Off he went to try to find his phone. And I was left contemplating the way OMing has the potential to heal trauma.
I don’t necessarily think OMing is a useful method for everyone when it comes to healing and integrating trauma. In short, I think there has to be a lot of self awareness, the ability to hold one’s own space (so to speak), and other kinds of existing support/processing with regards to the trauma being explored. But if those are already in place, then OMing can be a profound way to augment and assist with trauma integration healing.
About 30 minutes later my OM partner texted me: “I remembered the code! and have recovered my phone! I will credit our OM time for stimulating my memory.”
And I will credit our OM for healing that which I can’t even grasp with thoughts. Thank you OM. ❤