In my experience the profundity of OM’ing comes from consciously constructed container, as per the OM practice. When done correctly, this tightly formed container has the potential to put a cog in old cultural paradigms- there are many but the one I’m thinking of today is the control the masculine has over female sexuality. The masculine has assumed control over female sexuality for so long that it’s pretty much the ocean we all swim in. The OM container- the “stilted” and “artificial” set up- can help to create healthy dynamics that are functional for both genders/partners and can exist outside the time/space of control dynamics.
I’ve written many times about the container, mainly because of how much I learned by not having a good container in the first year of OMing. And I’m still discovering ways the loose container supported old paradigms- it’s taken me nearly a year of OMing with clean, solid containers to spot the subtle perpetuations from that first year.
Deviations from the container and how they distorted my OM experience.
In my first year of OMing we OM’d on a bed. Clearly this is a no-no in OM ettiequte but being a rule bender by nature I ignored this. It seemed silly to OM on a floor when there was a perfectly good bed nearby. This started the slippery slope into how OMing perpetuated rather then cleared dysfunctional sexual dynamics. Thinking I/we knew better then the practice and not being willing to be disciplined enough to adhere to it’s tenets was an obvious set up from the get go.
How easy is it to end an OM and lie down together after an OM when it’s on a bed? Super easy. The progression started from there- laying down with each other became subtle snuggling became touching became kissing became rubbing became blow jobs became intercourse. Parting after an OM also shifted from a clean good bye to a lingering hug to a longer lingering hug to kissing to clear sexual exchange of energy. The separation btw OMing and sex was less and less distinct the more we OM’d, until we got trained a year later.
It seems to me that there became a pavlovian dog type of development- my body knew that it was going to get and give attention after the OM. I understood that “my job” during the OM was to keep it on the finger, and not drift to the future. TBH this was the most fabulous aspect of those first few months- to watch how my mind would do so, and how I could consciously pull attention back to the present moment stroke. As any meditator or student of direct experience knows, this is the profound work of mindfulness and being truly present. It took me a few months to master that but at some point future became irrelevant while OMing.
Or did it? In some ways my mind became very disciplined, which was amazing to experience. However, other things were happening that continued to lessen the full impact of the OM experience. As the dynamic btw my main OM’er and I became more entwined, the bleed over from OM’ing right into sexual behaviors happened more. My body knew, on some level that “if i was good” while OMing, I’d “get” to engage in sexual engagements after. I particularly remember one period of time when I was having a lot of moments of wanting to engage in sex while we were OMing. The desire was so intense I’d sometimes say it out loud. My partners response was often, ” You can, later.” or something similar. Here is where the distribution of power entered into OMing- in a subtle way he controlled my desire, my sex. If I could just remain disciplined, which I could, I would get rewarded later. And I did get rewarded.
I get that this may not seem apparent to all those reading. Again, the ocean we swim in is so filled with “power over” dynamics – men controlling our sexuality- that it’s hard to even notice sometimes. I certainly didn’t notice it, and only can see it now that the OM containers I have are so clean and clear. The giving away of sexual energy is so profound, for both men and women- without a clear and clean container it’s almost impossible to stop this perpetuation.
When I look back, unintentional/culturally learned power over dynamics were part of our OM dynamic from quite early on. I can’t help but think OMing on the bed was a key factor in that- as it has so much bleed over into other sexual forays. But just as important- wrapping up the nest and disentangling from the OM dynamic was rarely employed during that first year. We often purposefully or unintentionally used OMing as foreplay, even when we said we weren’t. This was part of our bending the rules and lack of discipline approach. Now I am able to see how arrogant it was, and how it didn’t serve the depth of what OMing had to offer. I also see how it led to an unhealthy relationship with oxytocin, which I’ve written about previously-here and here, to name a couple.
If you really want the container to be clean and clear, and to get full benefits from OMing follow the container, and then some. If you find yourself wanting to deviate from the container, don’t. Never OM on a bed. Be conscious after the OM is over: clothes back on. Frame. Wrap up the nest. No sexual activities for an agreed upon time afterwards- I’d be as so bold to say an hour – to really let the hormone levels shift/have the oxytocin not be taken advantage of.
If OMing is used as foreplay or as a way to explore sexuality, it’s not OMing. If it’s being used to “loosen” each other up for sex, it’s not OM. If it’s being used to playfully get to know each other sexually, it’s not OM. If it’s being used for any reason other then to mindfully notice direct experience, without agenda, it’s not OM. It may be fun and amazing- but it’s not OMing.
Be honest about your intentions and have integrity: the sense of empowerment and integrity that comes from OMing can be significantly impacted, potentially lost, when old paradigms enter into the container. It is in both genders best interest to release the old toxic gender/sexual paradigms of the past- and OMing, if done with integrity, can be a way for that to happen.