I started several blog pieces in June and July, only to get busy in life. I decided to complete a few… this being one of them. Mainly because trauma and OMing gets talked about, but I don’t read a lot written about it.
I OM’d with a new person last month. I always learn a lot about myself when OMing with a new person. I learn about my insecurities, my arrogance, my pleasure, and my pain. I learn about the ways I behave around certain kinds of personalities. I learn about the stories that I tell about myself, and other.
What I learned with this new OM partner was how a past abusive relationship is still impacting me. Leave it to OM’ing to reveal what’s not integrated!
After being in relationship with a covert narcissist who routinely gas lit me without me even being aware of it, during a period in my life where I was extremely vulnerable and impressionable (my father fighting for his life and some other factors), I developed a diminished sense of self. I embarked upon a healing journey to “reclaim myself”, and the C-PTSD integrated to a great degree. I moved onward. And yet… If it hadn’t been for this new OM partner I may not have realized how it was still alive in me, undetected.
Being gas light repeatedly in a clever and subversive manner made it’s mark and my system was indeed still integrating. This is what I learned from OMing with this new person: in the subtlest of ways, I still give authority of myself over when a person seems to know more then i do based on their experience levels, or when a person displays a lot of confidence (earned or unearned). This stems from me outward referencing, as one does in our culture in general but even more so when entwined in unhealthy relationships, as opposed to internally referencing. What this external referencing means is that I might give a person authority even my own body, over my own wants, and my own needs- all based upon *their* experience, *their* confidence, or *their* knowledge.
As I disappear myself out of attention, and focus my attention on them, I lose track of my own existence, and it just gets worse from there. I fear that they will doubt or deny my experience of what feels true for me- so I adapt. I anticipate being shamed, invalidated, rejected- so I adapt. I change/adapt so that I won’t be abandoned, hurt, etc by other, and in the mean time abandon and hurt my own self. Violence all the way around.
These very innocent and “child type strategies/responses” that develop when one is in power down relationship, in abusive/narcissistic relationship, or isn’t able/taught to trust in one’s own experiences are quite familiar to many of us. Our culture is filled with men and women dissociated from themselves. OMing can be one way to explore one’s patterning, and become intimate with the so many layers that exist within ourselves.
Even though I was out of the abusive dynamic, and even though I had become deeply reconnected with my sense of self, OMing with a new person helped me to see that there were still bits within me that were disempowered- and bits that were ready to be met and integrated.
Enter New OM Person. And enter gratitude. Through the presence and compassion of this person, with the assistance of the OM container, and bc of my own willingness/readiness to go deeper within myself, I was able to connect with these bits within myself that had still been caged. Even though he wasn’t always aware of my internal (i.e. mental) struggle, he was present to my waves of physiological revealings. He held space for the tears and my body shaking. He held space for my No’s and my Yes’. He held space for my orgasm and my pain.
He wasn’t aware of the thoughts I was having (i.e. the mental struggle). He wasn’t aware of the dissonance. And he didn’t need to be. I was able to hold space for the mental dissonance, and then it got to be acted out in a safe place. I got to fear his disapproval, and then feel that, and let it have it’s space to be. And then I got to experience presence and compassion, from an other, and from myself.
I got to notice my wants and needs, as well as the “how I should be’s”, and let myself journey through all that, which included the shoulds overriding the needs/wants. And then I got to really own my needs, wants, and follow my guidance, and let that be acted out. And for both- be in a safe container, with a person who could hold space for it all, where i could feel the dissonance, and then feel the freedom. And compassion, love and presence- deep from within.
Over the course of the three days (he’s from out of town) we OM’d I learned. I healed. I cried. I shook. I loved. I hated. I loathed. I accepted. I orgasmed. And I learned some more, and healed some more. And I am still learning from those three days.
The OM container has the potential to be used for such growth and healing- when it is followed as intended. It is a place where the “good, bad and the ugly” can all hang out. Where importance of outcome dissolves and in it’s place the journey can be intimately and spaciously honored. Thank you OM.