While we were getting situated for our OM I started to feel a simple gratitude come over for me- for the OM practice.
I can easily take it for granted that I have this practice in my life- and I don’t ever want to do that. I am grateful that this practice means something to both me and my OMers. I am grateful that they honor the container, and listen listen listen. I am grateful that I have this container to receive receive receive. I am grateful that no matter what happens in an OM I am always enough, and my OMer is always enough.
This practice continues to gift me in very simple, almost unseen ways- that land right along side the more profound and overt gifts. They weave together, and I receive.
Today during an OM I felt my body, my yoni, grasp… It was if my body was going into holding/grasping/tightening mode to prepare itself for, or even induce, a climax response. This is nothing new- but something opened up with my consciousness in a new ways. Something allowed me to see that this was a response of familiarity, comfort, ease… that too was nothing new. But I also saw that this response was coming from a subtle place of fear and protection… and settling.
Luckily time and space seems to slow down so i could really study this from a physiological and psychological standpoint. So extremely subtle this was… it was if my system was after the oxytocin dump that comes with a climax, forgetting that the oxytocin that was already being released into my system, and would continue to be, was much more sustainable then a quick release- it was more then enough. But a part of me just couldn’t believe that. It was trying to tell me that i’d be settling for non climax, whilst a larger part of me knew (from past experience) that climaxing would actually be settling.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to climax in an OM, but it’s just not where the edge is for me anymore. At one point it was edgy for me to climax in an OM. At the moment anyway, having a climax during an OM is not risky for me anymore. It’s actually more risky, in a certain kind of way, to not climax… to go further… to keep softening and to allow what wants to come next.
(Btw, as i kept letting go of the pull to climax, i felt my body supported- almost lifted- in a wider and deeper flow of oxytocin- that is profoundly sustainable and nurturing to my nervous system.)
It was fascinating to see that the habit/desire to find safety, comfort, and maybe even escape in oxytocin is still a part of my pysche at times. Its like my system is still connecting with a trust and a knowing that i don’t need the oxytocin dump. That I don’t need to grab it before it “goes away”. That i can really soften and release, and receive. That there is actually something “more” and that it doesn’t come from grasping or trying to control or achieve or have. As a recovering oxytocin addict (LOL) it was wonderful for me to experience the intimacy of this dance as it continues to play itself out.