Simple gratitude

While we were getting situated for our OM I started to feel a simple gratitude come over for me- for the OM practice.

I can easily take it for granted that I have this practice in my life- and I don’t ever want to do that. I am grateful that this practice means something to both me and my OMers. I am grateful that they honor the container, and listen listen listen. I am grateful that I have this container to receive receive receive. I am grateful that no matter what happens in an OM I am always enough, and my OMer is always enough.

This practice continues to gift me in very simple, almost unseen ways- that land right along side the more profound and overt gifts. They weave together, and I receive.

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Grasping to control

Today during an OM I felt my body, my yoni, grasp… It was if my body was going into holding/grasping/tightening mode to prepare itself for, or even induce, a climax response. This is nothing new- but something opened up with my consciousness in a new ways. Something allowed me to see that this was a response of familiarity, comfort, ease… that too was nothing new. But I also saw that this response was coming from a subtle place of fear and protection… and settling.

Luckily time and space seems to slow down so i could really study this from a physiological and psychological standpoint. So extremely subtle this was…  it was if my system was after the oxytocin dump that comes with a climax, forgetting that the oxytocin that was already being released into my system, and would continue to be, was much more sustainable then a quick release- it was more then enough.  But a part of me just couldn’t believe that. It was trying to tell me that i’d be settling for non climax, whilst a larger part of me knew (from past experience) that climaxing would actually be settling.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to climax in an OM, but it’s just not where the edge is for me anymore. At one point it was edgy for me to climax in an OM. At the moment anyway, having a climax during an OM is not risky for me anymore. It’s actually more risky, in a certain kind of way, to not climax… to go further… to keep softening and to allow what wants to come next.

(Btw, as i kept letting go of the pull to climax, i felt my body supported- almost lifted- in a wider and deeper flow of oxytocin- that is profoundly sustainable and nurturing to my nervous system.)

It was fascinating to see that the habit/desire to find safety, comfort, and maybe even escape in oxytocin is still a part of my pysche at times. Its like my system is still connecting with a trust and a knowing that i don’t need the oxytocin dump. That I don’t need to grab it before it “goes away”.   That i can really soften and release, and receive. That there is actually something “more” and that it doesn’t come from grasping or trying to control or achieve or have. As a recovering oxytocin addict (LOL) it was wonderful for me to experience the intimacy of this dance as it continues to play itself out.

 

 

 

Surrendering into formlessness

Humans often get separated from our true essence early on in life, and sometimes never find our way back to remembering it. But for some of us it is the conscious journey that we’re on- to re-unit and remember who we really are.

The urge, or drive, for humans-for myself- to grasp, to go after, to get… continues to a deep study for me. Physiologically, mentally, emotionally… I’m so driven to achieve, obtain, have, get…

The short term bliss from a climax is so powerfully seductive… i watch as my body wants to forgo communion with being, and get temporarily lost in the hormonal fix of climatic pleasure. Some part of me wants to forgo sustained beingness, for a boost of ego.

I recognize that this is not bad- that it is the design of the human species. **In part.**  Also included in this design is the ability be aware and conscious, and to remember my essence and participation with/as the divine matrix/life/god/beingness etc.

Amnesia creeps up everywhere- sometimes without knowing it and other times from choice. My ego state is quite powerful, and it is a dance to establish connection with who I really am whilst falling back into the old habits of ego/small self-ing.

In today’s OM I studied the dance of surrendering to that which holds all- whatever word you want to give to it- and engaging back into a sense of self.  It’s fascinating how simple it is to drop/lean into Beingness, but so not simple.  To “give up” to Knowing of Beingness, and relinquish the certainty of the mind- it’s counter to all training of the western world, perhaps. To give up to a not-knowing, to an empty, yet to be created form, is perhaps the ultimate leap of faith.

Heartgasm

My system is grateful for the freedom to feel so free and open and un-embumbered in my OMing.

It’s been a journey for sure.

In todays OM I felt so in love with my orgasm, and it flowed through me, pulsated through me, powerfully. My body became a grid, and the orgasm travelled through the entirety of my body-grid, and when my orgasm spilled over into a climax it shot right up to my heart, where it wanted to last forever. The bells chimed, and I/my orgasm did not want to stop. The bells chimed again, and still, I/my orgasm did not want to stop.

Eventually I requested that he move to downstrokes, and still, my orgasm did not want to stop. My attention continued to be into “more and more and more”- my clit pulled in the weight of his hand into itself,  shooting wave after wave up to my heart. Deeper and wider.

My heart feels charged by the energy of this OM and I am grateful.

Efforting released, sustained pleasure received.

I’ve been studying efforting- in myself and with my clients. It’s so much a part of our culture- to effort and try- with gusto! It’s one of the most common survival strategies that we have in lui of just being present and self connected. And our culture supports it, nay- encourages it.

Most of us were never taught to be self connected, and most of us were not supported in such a way in our childhoods that we could just relax (and be present). We weren’t able to be aware or connected to/with bodies, our sensations, or our emotions- because most often our care givers weren’t, so they didn’t know how to support us in being self connected either.

Not being well connected with/to our energies and physical bodies, we became reliant upon our mental faculties. This has translated into a lot of trying to manage and control- by using our mental faculties. We move things around in our minds. We fantasize. We imagine.  We think **a lot**- so as to try to feel safe and stable. All the while not realizing that we’re living in our heads, not present with/to our bodies/ourselves.

This disconnectedness usually continues through most people’s lives.  We continue to manage and control, and the physical impact of that is a tightening in the body that comes from all that trying and efforting. In the process, there is also a lot of holding, grasping, and tightening in our bodies. Most of us aren’t even aware of how much grasping and holding- how much efforting and trying- is happening,  because it’s such a part of our reality that we don’t know how it’s dictating our lives. (Take a moment right now to check out how, quite likely, your jaw is gripping in some subtle or overt way. Or your shoulders are tensed.)
In today’s OM I got to see that efforting mechanism reveal itself- so innocently.  I got to watch as my body tried to move itself towards pleasure, towards orgasm, towards satisfaction.

I’ve spent years perfecting this ability. I am quite good at climaxing through trying. It’s a skill that perhaps most women have learned to do- we adjust ourselves to achieve/get pleasure. Why this happens is likely complicated. Maybe it’s just in our training, maybe it’s bc the people in our lives don’t bring pleasure to us so we have to “go after it.” Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to be present. Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to make our pleasure important.

The data shows us that “while 95% of heterosexual men have an orgasm every time they have sex, only 65% of women sleeping with men do.”  This does not surprise me. I dated a guy who relied either on me making myself climax, or vibrators to bring me to climax. He made it sound cool, normal even. He was very convincing, for awhile.  But eventually it became clear that due to his own insecurity, or perhaps poor abilities… his own disconnect from himself was resulting in a disconnect from me.  Said another way, his lack of presence with himself translated into a lack of presence with me. My body felt that disconnect (which he’d deny- always making it about me.)  And instead of an energy of presence and connectedness, there was the energy of “going after a climax.” Basically, reinforcing that old efforting and trying mechanism that I was so familiar with.  Needless to say that relationship didn’t last.

Back to today’s OM. I could feel how my OM partner was not present, or connected with himself, nor me. And I could feel how he wanted me to experience pleasure. I could feel his efforting and trying- all muddled up without presence or connection to substantiate it. And then… I could feel my own efforting mechanism show up. I could feel my body start to “try”… to “go after” pleasure.

WOAH, i said to myself, relaxing all the muscles that had been activated in the trying process. I relaxed back down into the nest, and brought my attention back into what i was experiencing right then and there. I became present- where true pleasure lives, where sustainable orgasm is experienced.

It frustrates me when I hear about or experience OM strokers try to manipulate women’s pussys into climaxing. And i get it better now. There is effort hidden in there. There is agenda. There is a trying. And in the energetic expression of that, the woman’s body can feel that- and comply with it, almost unknowingly. Because we are taught to “go after” a climax, and we are taught to follow/trust the energy of the masculine.

OM invites something much different, something much more sustainable then a climax that comes from the push pull of trying and efforting. OM invites the stroker to simply stroke- up and down, in short, fluid, soft movements. Not in circles, and not to try to tease out a climax. Just up and down. With the agenda to climax removed, the female’s system- and her own efforting or trying mechanism- relaxes. PHEW.

From this place of presence and connection- orgasm finds her, and it can be found in such a deep way that it stays. It stays because the body is not in a peak experience mode-it is in a grounded, present, and inclusive state where pleasure gets to be discovered, created, known, and stayed with. This allows the nervous system to take a break, to truly relax AND JUST BE. And it gives the brain a chance to re-wires those neuropathways that were built upon disconnection, and replacing with them with avenues of sustainable pleasure.  Yes, please.

OMing and active passivity. <3

I’ve been burning it at both ends a bit lately. My system has been craving deeper rest, and periods of doing nothing.

“Do I want to OM between clients? Or do nothing?” I asked myself. Well, how about if I experiment with both.

It’s kind of tricky business to “do nothing” while OMing, depending on how one interprets doing nothing. The invitation behind OMing is to not check out but to be present AND engaged. (I think this is Life’s invitation as well.) I could tell a part of me wanted to check out, but really what I was wanting is to surrender (while being conscious).

I felt my spine relax as i felt his hand touch and then stroke the skin of my pussy. And then my orgasm started to grab. WHOA Nelly! This dance! the grab of the orgasm, and the her loosening…  This dance continued on and off throughout a lot of the OM. I had periods of what i call active passivity, where I’m consciously present but also surrendered, and moments of active grasping.

There were times when i really went into the grab, and sustained the grab- reaching for the climax that I knew i could have any time I wanted to “get it,” But I didn’t want to “get it”- I wanted to release the grabbing and efforting. I wanted to surrender and be present- that was what my nervous system was calling for and was needing.

At some point I realized that almost all my attention was on my pussy. Nothing wrong with that! But I decided to bring attention, and thus the energy, up to my heart. Something immediately shifted inside of me, and with my OM partner.

My system relaxed, and sustained a relaxed state. Meanwhile, my orgasm was building, but not grasping. Climax did find me, but from a place of active passivity- from a place of being surrendered but fully present.

My pussy and heart are so connected- immediately my heart came even more deeply on line, and the client session I had right after the OM was so powerful for both of us. I had realized that my heart space had been a bit weak, that my thread to “god” a bit dull, but I hadn’t realized to what extent. Phew, my entire system feels that much more on line and connected. Grateful.