Conscioulsy Healing Trauma

I started several blog pieces in June and July, only to get busy in life. I decided to complete a few… this being one of them. Mainly because trauma and OMing gets talked about, but I don’t read a lot written about it.

 

I OM’d with a new person last month. I always learn a lot about myself when OMing with a new person. I learn about my insecurities, my arrogance, my pleasure, and my pain. I learn about the ways I behave around certain kinds of personalities. I learn about the stories that I tell about myself, and other.

What I learned with this new OM partner was how a past abusive relationship is still impacting me. Leave it to OM’ing to reveal what’s not integrated!

After being in relationship with a covert narcissist who routinely gas lit me without me even being aware of it, during a period in my life where I was extremely vulnerable and impressionable (my father fighting for his life and some other factors), I developed a diminished sense of self. I embarked upon a healing journey to “reclaim myself”, and the C-PTSD  integrated to a great degree. I moved onward. And yet…   If it hadn’t been for this new OM partner I may not have realized how it was still alive in me, undetected.

Being gas light repeatedly in a clever and subversive manner made it’s mark and my system was indeed still integrating. This is what I learned from OMing with this new person: in the subtlest of ways, I still give authority of myself over when a person seems to know more then i do based on their experience levels, or when a person displays a lot of confidence (earned or unearned). This stems from me outward referencing, as one does in our culture in general but even more so when entwined in unhealthy relationships, as opposed to internally referencing. What this external referencing means is that I might give a person authority even my own body, over my own wants, and my own needs- all based upon *their* experience, *their* confidence, or *their* knowledge.

As I disappear myself out of attention, and focus my attention on them, I lose track of my own existence, and it just gets worse from there. I fear that they will doubt or deny my experience of what feels true for me- so I adapt. I anticipate being shamed, invalidated, rejected- so I adapt. I change/adapt so that I won’t be abandoned, hurt, etc by other, and in the mean time abandon and hurt my own self.  Violence all the way around.

These very  innocent and “child type strategies/responses” that develop when one is in power down relationship, in abusive/narcissistic relationship, or isn’t able/taught to trust in one’s own experiences are quite familiar to many of us. Our culture is filled with men and women dissociated from themselves. OMing can be one way to explore one’s patterning, and become intimate with the so many layers that exist within ourselves.

Even though I was out of the abusive dynamic, and even though I had become deeply reconnected with my sense of self, OMing with a new person helped me to see that there were still bits within me that were disempowered-  and bits that were ready to be met and integrated.

Enter New OM Person.  And enter gratitude. Through the presence and compassion of this person, with the assistance of the OM container, and bc of my own willingness/readiness to go deeper within myself, I was able to connect with these bits within myself that had still been caged. Even though he wasn’t always aware of my internal (i.e. mental) struggle, he was present to my waves of physiological revealings. He held space for the tears and my body shaking. He held space for my No’s and my Yes’. He held space for my orgasm and my pain.

He wasn’t aware of the thoughts I was having (i.e. the mental struggle). He wasn’t aware of the dissonance. And he didn’t need to be. I was able to hold space for the mental dissonance, and then it got to be acted out in a safe place. I got to fear his disapproval, and then feel that, and let it have it’s space to be. And then I got to experience presence and compassion, from an other, and from myself.

I got to notice my wants and needs, as well as the “how I should be’s”, and let myself journey through all that, which included the shoulds overriding the needs/wants. And then I got to really own my needs, wants, and follow my guidance, and let that be acted out. And for both- be in a safe container, with a person who could hold space for it all, where i could feel the dissonance, and then feel the freedom. And compassion, love and presence- deep from within.

Over the course of the three days (he’s from out of town) we OM’d  I learned. I healed. I cried. I shook. I loved. I hated. I loathed. I accepted. I orgasmed. And I learned some more, and healed some more. And I am still learning from those three days.

The OM container has the potential to be used for such growth and healing- when it is followed as intended. It is a place where the “good, bad and the ugly” can all hang out. Where importance of outcome dissolves and in it’s place the journey can be intimately and spaciously honored. Thank you OM.

Presence over Pleasure

The benefits of following the OM model has benefited my life outside the nest so much. I write about it a lot because I’m constantly gifted with experiencing how OMing benefits me in my life.
A popular topic in OMing is dropping agenda. For me, within that is the dropping the agenda to have a certain kind of experience, to achieve something in particular, and to climax. The agenda to climax in particular seemed to disappear, but it revealed itself in new ways when I OM’d with a new person this week. There’s a lot that I’ve learned this week that way exceeds the topic of climax, and hopefully I’ll blog about it soon. But in the mean time… climax.  After a couple years of OMing I still see how this agenda still lives in my psyche in convoluted ways. Particularly when there is insecurity, awkwardness, emotional discomfort, fear, PTSD , etc.
The culture we are in is so fixated on pleasure. And not just pleasure, but explosive and dramatic pleasure. In sexual dynamics that correlates to climax. We all love how it feels to climax. There is nothing quite like it. We human beings will go to great lengths to experience pleasure and climax, even at the expense of the well being of our totality. Who wouldn’t want to bypass discomfort, awkwardness, etc so that we can experience what comes with having a climax?
There in lies the beauty of the OM. We are asked to put aside our desire and agenda to climax, and instead stay with whatever presents itself. *What ever presents itself.*  This is novel for so many of us, even those of us in the mindfulness/non dual/enlightenmenty communities. Particularly when you bring in orgasm and genitals and clitoris’- and…   I mean, seriously! Hold on a minute! You want me to stay with whatever presents itself when I have the constant knowledge that I can harness a climax with the simple instruction of “faster/harder” or mentaling?  You want me to stay with all my unresolved trauma and ptsd and conditioning when i could easily skip over that and experience a climax that will temporarily wash it all away?
Well, yes: that is what OMing invites.  I’ve been studying our culture’s addictive nature of experiencing pleasure so as to bypass pain for quite awhile. And this study just keeps getting more and more refined, thanks to OMing (and my own willingness to ride the waves of discomfort that comes in other areas of my life.)
I continue to discover ways that I’d just as soon jump to pleasure as a coping strategy then stay with what arising for me psychological or emotionally. By the way, there is nothing wrong with using pleasure as a coping strategy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience pleasure. But for me, what I’ve discovered is that wanting to experience pleasure so as to avoid pain leads to more pain. The more I use pleasure as a coping strategy, the less I can be present with my actual life. In other words, the more I use pleasure as a coping strategy, the more I have to use pleasure as a coping strategy to avoid that which is lingering near by that I keep bypassing.
It seems to me that when we make the conscious choice to not skip over anything, we discover that maybe, just maybe, we’ve been using pleasure as a way to skip past discomforts- discomforts that are trying to communicate important information to us. Information about what keeps us from fully functioning as our best/healthiest selves in the world.
That’s what I’ve discovered anyway. I’m going to write about more of the particulars in another blog post, but for now I just want to honor the beauty of how deep the OM container can go when we let us take us deep into our own inner caverns. If we can truly let go the agenda to climax and stay in the container, there is a gold mine waiting for us.
When we don’t fixate on explosive pleasure it may not seem like gold at first. It might seem like fake gold. Or like shit. For me there is often a lot of discomfort that shows up when I choose not to bypass. There were moments this week when I really didn’t want to meet my insecurities and programming. I tried to put it off, but that ultimately led to me gas lighting myself, which felt horrible. The insecurities felt horrible, the gas lighting felt horrible. The disempowerment that came along with those felt horrible.
I wanted to jump past the trauma being uprooted and focus on pleasure. Pleasure would have been a nice alternative, right? I mean hell- I know all about pleasure- I know how to experience a shit ton of pleasure, and have a good time doing so (no pun intended).  But discomfort and pain?   What about actually feeling the insecurities and the programming head on?
I stayed with the insecurities and all that came with it because I know that when I remain present to whatever is arising, when i can allow the discomfort to be as it is, and face it, I am left with amazing gifts.  In other words, if discomfort is stayed with, gold will reveal itself. That is the magic of being in the present, as opposed to circumventing/bypassing what is arising for something “better”.  For me that is the most empowering route. Not the easiest, but the richest.
The gifts I received from staying with the discomfort as opposed to abandoning it…    Somewhat hard to talk about, but certainly known in my system. Integrity, authenticity, and spaciousness come to mind. A deeper trust for and with myself. A deeper trust in and with humanity and in those I’m in relationship with. More trust and safety in being alive on this planet. A knowing that I matter, all parts of me matter- including insecurity, pain and fear, as well as pleasure, spaciousness, and orgasm.  A knowing that I can speak and own my truth, because it’s mine.
The parallels to how this shows up in my life is endless. Throughout my day there are constant opportunities to stay with what is, and be present in the moment, or bypass discomfort because I’d rather temporally feel better. All day long there are invitations to be in integrity with myself, and tune into my inner authority, or to numb/pacify myself or “go along” with what someone else is saying/wanting. Clearly there is no right or wrong, good or bad here- but there are differences in my well being depending on what route I tend to go.
Clearing out the old always makes room for new. That’s what it’s like when I don’t bypass old conditioning, pain body and trauma- I move through the old, and the new birth’s itself. Expansiveness and spaciousness and freedom… is there anything more pleasurable?  😉

Climaxing and OMing

After years of trying to consciously meet, and then grab hold of, an incoming climax during my sexual interactions, OMing has distanced me from the agenda of climaxing. This felt like a relief-  because there is so much subtext about “achieving climax,” that a subtle pressure to have one gets generated.

There seems to be pressure all the way around- for the woman to climax and also a pressure on the man that she have one.  I once was partnered with someone who had difficulty connecting with his desires due to his insecurities. Instead of meeting his blockages, he’d bypass them and resort to the toys, which i often used on myself. This got him off the hook so to speak, and me off, literally. We were both lost in outcome, as opposed to the quality of connection that comes when there is no agenda. Said another way, the agenda decreased quality and present connection between us.

How quickly this happens in sexual exchanges. There’s a lot of grey area here, because let’s be honest, climaxing feels damn good. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have one, or the agenda to have one. And yet… agenda’s… can be so limiting, in a variety of ways.

From the onset of OMing I finally felt the space to escape from this pressure, or agenda, to climax. And yet in the beginning (of my OMing career) my mind would often go to climax because of the associations playing in my mind. I’d start to feel the orgasm build, and I’d want the usual outcome- basically I wanted the reward I was used to. As I was able to let go of the agenda to have a particular outcome, the reward became presence as opposed to a particular experience.

I was so wanting to unhinge from the agenda of climaxing that I preferred strokes that wouldn’t “induce” the urge to climax. And it was worth it in the sense that with resources not funneling toward outcome, they could go toward my whole body experience of orgasm.

My system is still unhinging some habitual associations, and i continue to find the exploration fascinating. What i’m currently discovering- or perhaps continuing to discover- is that I don’t need/have to “grab hold” of incoming climax expressions, so that “I will climax.” As I said to my stroker today after our OM, the thread of a climax now finds me, and takes me, instead of me finding it and going after it. How this showed up today was that as my body “prepared” to climax, I would repeatedly relax and surrender. And yet climax over came me anyway.

I still seem to have a bias towards not wanting to climax during an OM- for a variety of reasons. And yet since it is no longer happening because I’m trying to make it happen, it feels like i’m continuing to deepen my connection to climaxing, which feels both exciting and mysterious. I know this will have a spill over effect into my life in other ways too- as OMing always does.

Make outs explorations

The topic of make-outs has come into my life. Well, not exactly just the topic, but the happenings of them.

The first one happened about a month and a half ago. This was with a “friends with benefits” person. Out of the blue we texted each other seeming to want the same thing- a 20 minute make out. After it happened I realized it had a lot of similarities to an OM, and blogged about it here.

The second one happened a few weeks ago. This was with someone I’d recently started dating. Again I realized the situation mirrored OMing in curious ways! I blogged about that here.

After the third I posted this in the OM FB group, and turned it into a blog post for quick referencing. After a forth today,  and people wanting to know more about what’s been going on with me and these make-outs ( BWG ) I’m inspired to slow down and write  about some of the specifics of these exchanges.

I’m not an OM’er from the old days, and I don’t have any direct experience with make-outs from a One Taste perspective, or from an OM community perspective. These are just my own personal experiments that have worked for me. I’m still learning, and my way is not going to be everyones way. Having said that, I’ll share what I think may be some useful tidbits for make outs.

1. The container. I’m a huge container fan. Make outs are different in that there isn’t an already manufactured/established tight container.  If both people are from the OMing world then there is that to fall back on. All of the experiences I’ve blogged about/will be referencing have been with non OMers, but, they’ve been with people who are self aware and present, and who respect me and are tuned into me. This is huge for me, and to be honest I’m not sure I’d be able to do make outs with people that didn’t have this resonance.

Things you might want to get clear on: time, location/place, body positions, clothing, hand positions, if one of you is leading, safe words/communication protocol. I’m sure there is more!

Here’s an example: for the first make out it was decided to be at my place, at my kitchen counter, for 20 minutes, minimal/no talking, clothes on. Any deviation from that would be done at my lead (I took his shirt off). We didn’t decide ahead of time where hands couldn’t and could go- it seemed assumed that everything would be “over clothes.” Assumptions are not a clear way to move forward, so if particulars are important, make sure you talk about them. (See #3)

2. The stroking. Although this is part of the container it deserves to have more time and attention. So far the stroking that’s happened in my make outs have been organically discovered.

A few thoughts on stroking in general: In OMing the clit and the finger are like a key and the ignition.  When a key turns into the ignition the engines starts, but the engine is far away from the key/ignition. While OMing the clit/finger is the “hub” location, but the sensations rev all over the body.  This happens in make outs too.

The hub in a make out may not be evident or take form. In the first make out, for example, there wasn’t a strong hub of stroking that mirrored the clit/finger dynamic. The stroking fluctuated between our hands, and our mouths. There was other kinds of stroking happening too- legs, feet, breath, stomaches. If I had to narrow it down, I’d say that the hands were the main focus point of stroking.

In our last couple make outs the key/ignition hub locations have organically taken more of a form- as if to mimic the finger/clit dynamic. Last week the hub was in the pelvic region- more specifically my pussy rubbing up against his cock, although it was often more nebulous then that. Tonight it was more succinct-  it was our tongues.

 

There was lots of other stroking going on, but these hubs became the focus of the strokes. And, just like in an OM the impacts/the orgasm was unlimited and experienced throughout our systems.

How these hub locations resemble the clit/finger dynamic has been fascinating, particularly because they weren’t designated ahead of time, but were discovered. (FWIW, depending on the resonance you have with your make out partner, pre-designating might actually be a good idea. See #3) At some point our pelvic regions assumed a lot of attention, and the strokes started to mainly emanate  from there. Just like the finger and clit can be an exquisite study, the beautiful and conscious ways our pelvis’ were connecting was exquisite, passionate, and mysterious. There were the full range of strokes, from hard and long, to soft and short, and everywhere in between.

There was a hyper awareness given to everything that was happening in that region-a conscious dance occurring in this hub, that was birthing orgasmic waves throughout both our bodies. We weren’t speaking/making verbal requests, our bodies were following each others energetic requests. Again, depending on the resonance you have with your make out partner,  it might be best for some to have verbal communication throughout a make out. (see#3)

The hub in tonights’ make out organically became our tongues. As with the pelvic hub, the strokes between our tongues became the point of focus- there was hyper awareness organically developed there. The strokes varied just as they do in an OM- some were short and hard, some were long and slow, and everywhere in between.

It could be a great experiment to predetermine where the stroking hub will be. Perhaps that would make the container more tight and safe for some people.

3. Communication: It will be unique to each situation as to how much communication is needed in a make out. I have not felt the need for a lot of verbal communication for these make outs because of the container that was already present in our dynamic. If this is not already existing, then clear communication, where the details are fully worked out, would be in your best interest.

I’d recommend establishing a safe word- a word that can quickly be called out when it might be too overwhelming to make a request. My sweetie and I have recently identified a safe word  when either of us experiences overwhelm. From there a request can be made. In retrospect this is something I’d have set up earlier- starting with my first make out. I did have a couple ptsd responses and I can see now in retrospect that safe porting with a designated “safe word” would have been really empowering for me.

Someone from the FB group suggested this as a possible way to enter into a make out discussion:  “I have a desire for [“a containered make out” or other term for that]” or “Would you like to ________?”  Further boundaries/container agreements could be established from there. Safeport as needed.

It is not always easy to name our wants and needs. But when we do our experiences can become immensely empowering. Please take the time to hone in on what you’re wanting and needing from your make out, and with your make out partner.

4. Lack of agenda, focus on presence.

This is likely the single most important thing for me, pretty much everywhere in my life. Can you hold space, go slow AND feel desire? If you can’t, then please move along. Make outs are powerful when the focus is on being with what is arising in the preset moment. No where to go, nothing to do, nothing to achieve. Attention is on here and now, and when it deviates to past or future, the invitation is to keep bringing it back to here and no.

5. Possible ideas, in the “less sexual” realm:

Fingers. I can imagine a lot happening through out the body as fingers stroke fingers.

Other hubs:  eyes (gazing). Cheeks. Feet. Hands. Backs. It seems there be a lot of still contact or slow movement if any at all.

Lots of possibilities here!

 

 

This is a new topic of exploration for me. I’d love for people to share their ideas for make out ideas, as well as ways to keep it safe.

 

Sipped rather than gulped…

Last night I was with my sweetie and it dawned on me how OMing reaches so many corners of my life. It’s a new relationship, so lots of newness in general- including lots of new hotness. ROAR!!! and SWOOOOON! AND some fears and discomfort too as the vulnerability scales are being massively tipped.
Thanks to OMing (and my mindfulness/inquiry practice) there is this deep ability to watch the thoughts and the visuals and the mind going “there”- future, action, outcome, etc.- but not act on any of it. To really stay “here”- fully present, fully committed to feeling it all. And to not jumping to action to skip out of feeling or bypassing any of the feeling that may be overwhelming or uncomfortable.
I don’t think i’ve ever felt so present, and yet not hurried, when things are hot as hell and the orgasms are flying all over the place. To really bask fully in it. And To not move away from any of the challenges either. So grateful.

My sweetie and I have been continuing to have “containered make outs.” Even though they are more sexual in nature, I keep getting blown away by how much like an OM they are. Passion and desire, in/on a slow burn, with no outcome or agenda other then to feel the nuanced strokes between us. Adjustments made as needed/expressed. This phrase seems to get at it: “…sipped rather then gulped. a steady exploration…”

Beingness

I’ve been really exploring into the space behind all the “trying” and “doing”-  the space of being. Beingness is here all the time- but it often goes unnoticed as attention gets caught in the mental arena. Once in that mental arena we’re no longer in touch with direct experience, but instead are in the land of imagination- of figuring out, analyzing, and so on: mentally creating as opposed to consciously directly experiencing life.

Sometimes- maybe almost always- we have to slow wayyyyy dowwwwwwn to connect with our direct experience of beingness, bc of all the data and all the meaning making happening.

In this week’s OM i was drawn for a super slow OM. I probably requested “slow down” 20 times. I wanted to feel the space of beingness, and was experiencing so much data that it felt like things were going “too fast.”

There is an exquisiteness in slowing way down, in feeling the most subtle and sublime. No where to go, nothing to do, but hone in on the most intricate bits of beingness. Ohmmmmmmm.

The song of orgasm, cont.

Last night I was with my sweetie and it dawned on me how OMing reaches so many corners of my life. It’s a new relationship, so lots of newness in general- including lots of new hotness. ROAR!!! and SWOOOOON! AND some fears and discomfort too as the vulnerability scales are being massively tipped.

We had set a container to have a make out, clothes staying on. At some point I was reminded of the early days of OMing, when my mind was constantly going to thoughts, visuals-the mind going “there”- future, action, outcome, etc.  But because of my OMing/mindfulnes/inquiry practices I didn’t have to act on any of it, which was super powerful.

It was so similar to an OM! I wrote about the song of my orgasm yesterday, and last night that study continued. The song danced between my pussy and my heart. It was a fantastic and intense study. If a heart can climax, mine did last night. Surging and contracting and a pulsating that took me over, just like a pussy climax does. Honing attention to the song of the orgasm, and how that song dances, is certainly my study of late. 😀


To really stay “here”- fully present, fully committed to feeling it all. To not jump to action to skip out of feeling or bypassing any of the feelings that may be overwhelming or uncomfortable. And also to not jump to action because the feelings of pleasure are so intense! 
I don’t think i’ve ever felt so present, and yet not hurried, when things were hot as hell and the orgasms are flying all over the place. To really bask fully in it. And To not move away from any of the challenges either. So grateful.