OM as sacred, life as sacred.

As my stroker gently moved the blanket around my legs I was once again brought to gratitude. There is such sacredness brought to this exchange. Him smoothing out the seams in the blanket so that it’s smooth against my legs, him making sure it covers my toes, him puling back the blanket to begin only when I’m ready… all the way to the end… him staying still until I make the first move. He has learned what feels good to my system. He pays attention. He treats “us” as sacred. And I notice, receive, and open, to it all.

If all exchanges could be treated so sacredly, I thought. With care and conscious attention. Love and kindness and connection leading the way, as opposed to ego or defense.  Presence. It really is not that hard to become present, when that becomes the guiding light in the heart of being.

The second after having that thought, I realized that I actually have sacred exchanges throughout the entirety of my life. It’s not just a happenstance of a 15 minute OM exchange. That care and delicate mindfulness now permeates into my life through most of my relationships. Just this morning I had breakfast with a friend who I don’t see but a few times year. Before we started eating he asked if we could pause and express gratitude. We held hands, and looked at each other in the eyes, and verbally shared words of gratitude. Sacred.

I have sacredness with my clients. With my daughter. With my friends. And most importantly I have it with the divine, as s/he lives as me.  OM’ing has helped me ground in the divine matrix that is me- through the sacredness of the container. That of course is another post entirely- and i’ve written about it plenty. 🙂

Back to today’s OM. Lately my body wants to shoot into climax very quickly once into the flow of the OM. I’m not sure why, really. Perhaps it is bc my orgasm is quite alive these days, and already present before the OM starts. As such the “climax spark” gets turned on very quickly once the OM starts. What i mean by the climax spark… it’s not intrinsic to climax (For me it can perhaps be characterized by  that exquisite sense of being that I might call divine- and can be experienced throughout a day!) but it can be easily noticed during sexual practice. The sex chakra and the heart chakra synced and “on fire.”

My attention longs to stay right with that spark, to sustain that spark.  *And* what i’ve been noticing is how my physiology interacts with that spark. The spark seems to “want to be known”, but from a physiological perspective it, as the body, wants pleasure and climatic release. Today I watched my thighs twitch, “prepare” for climax. I watched other such physiological preparations take place as well. It took a lot of conscious attention to open into those preparations as opposed to let them “take hold” of the climax so it could “happen.” As I watched this ebb and flow sometimes it would even seem as though my body was trying to “take” climax from my strokers finger. Physiology was so biased towards this occurrence, it seemed. As I noticed that I’d repeatedly soften, soften, soften. And bring attention back to this “spark”- back to my heart, back to this etherial but known energy.

In the last minute of the OM my body did “grab” the climax. As my stroker went into down strokes the climax continued to unfold. Eventually he paused and grounded his palms/fingers into my pussy. Intuitively he repositioned the pressure so that the pressure was more on my clit, which is what I was wanting (but hadn’t yet verbalized). In that moment the energy, which has been running down my legs, shot back up to my heart. It was as if his hands/the pressure was allowing my system to hold the energy into my being, as opposed to me “giving away” this orgasmic expression. (This is something i have been consciously exploring).  I found this synchronistic happening quite profound for my energetic and heart system, and was in awe of the mystery that life and I exist in/as.

Sacred.

 

 

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The freedom of OM

My first “real” om partner (my gf and i gave it a half hazard attempt a few years prior) was a sexual predator who took advantage of my orgasm/OM hormones. I was so unaware as to the hows and whys of the nest. (We’d been OMing for 6-9 months before we decided to get trained) I was so new and uneducated as to the effect of hormones and the vigilance centers… had no idea that my orgasm high was effecting my ability to make useful distinctions. and that in the process I was turning to pleasure/feeling good as an escape from the abuse i was in the middle of but couldn’t clearly name or get out of.

I’m utterly grateful for the trainers – they really helped me understand the nest and helped to create useful distinctions. If i had continued OMing without training I can’t imagine… I currently have a great OM partner (who was trained by OM trainers) that I’ve been OMing with for over a year, and it’s been a great part of my healing.

Today after our OM i was left with such gratitude that it sparked me to write the first paragraph. Particularly because in today’s OM i was consciously noticing how my vigilance centers are so relaxed these days, my inner manager so quiet, and how that allows for the orgasmic nature of my body to be so fully experienced, in such subtle ways. My body is so receptive, and I have deep gratitude for that after the violent relationship I experienced.

The OM nest, when does well, provides such an amazing environment where it is clear that my orgasm is always mine and that there will never be “tit for tat”.   My heart and my pussy feel free to soar together- to their highest peaks and into all hidden caverns- not from a place of performance or to reinforce various sense of self identities or for “other”.  This allowance of my system’s full expression as valid is invaluable. ❤

 

PussyHeart

I’ve had some wild rides using my heart to tease out climaxes, no pun intended. Something’s shifted so that my lower chakras are more open these days, and as such my system is more in balance- i.e.  able to support what feels like an ever increasing ability to dive into my heart chakra in life.

In my last OM I consciously played with the energy dance between pussy/clit and heart. At times it felt like a synchronized swimming, other times it felt like a call and response, and other times attention stayed a bit glued to one area *or* the other. By the end of the OM there was an over all width of synchronization that was not only between my pussy and my heart, but extended in all directions.

What stood out, however, is that the link between my heart and pussy stayed after the OM was done. It felt as if a neural pathway had developed enough to cause a ridge of permanence: a sustained presence.

This stayed for hours- through a music festival! No joke. This orgasmic presence was a part of me as i travelled through crowds, danced for hours, and hung out with friends.

During one of the shows there was a bit of an odd song being played- the crowd hadn’t found their groove with it and either had i. My body slowed down, and i tuned into the heart/pussy link that i’d been vibing with. All night i had been letting my orgasm move me, and as i slowed my attention down into the heart/pussy vibe, i sunk deeper into my orgasm, and it’s nuanced presence.

My orgasm drew me to my belly, and i felt the vibration there. I stayed course, and let this move my body, into and with the energetic resonance of the music. All of the sudden the energy dropped down toward my pussy and up toward my heart simultaneously and my entire body once again grew wide and deep in orgasm. Not long after my body found an intense amount of energetic expression moving through, and I danced unabandoned for the rest of the band’s performance, and then into the rest of the shows of the evening.

My body had become a fountain of orgasm expressed through wild and spontaneously fluid movement. It felt like the best of acid trips, and yet I had not imbibed any alcohol or drugs. I was literally high on orgasm- and this non ordinary state was being sustained for hours.

Days later and this link is still present. It is not always as “loud”, but it’s still here. Something has woken up, and that waking up tapped into something more sustainable then i’d yet to have experienced. My attentive conscious connection is all that seems to be needed to keep her alive. OM Shanti. ❤

Tantric Zen and OMing

I was raised in a tantric tradition. From ages 23-33 i lived in an ashram that had as it’s lineage kashmir shivaism- a tantric kundalini practice largely based on Siddha Yoga teachings. I was a bahkti student, and the scriptures of the lineage weren’t nearly important to me as the experiential practice and the daily living of it.

What a surprise it was to me to come out of the ashram and be introduced to the new age practice of tantra, which largely seems to focus upon sex. In the ashram, tantra was “applied” to all of live. It was life. From cleaning the toilet bowl, to cooking food, to sex. It was all a sacred practice of love.

I get that that isn’t much of a sell for the modern society, so I understand why and how tantra got hooked up with sex- bc sex sells. And, sometimes you have to get tricky to help people wake up. David Deida, for example, has done a great job and luring people into spirituality under the guise of sex. Unfortunately, some people never grow past that, and think the main point of his teachings is about sexuality (I’d find that somewhat adorable if his followers weren’t often so sexually predatory in nature). People even misunderstand Osho- thinking tantra is about the ecstatic.

Tantra at it’s heart is an embodied,  eNstatic, practice. Sure, it can include practices that take you “out”, but the design is sustainable: available at all times because it comes “from within.”  I see OMing the same.

OMing might easily be seen, and practiced, as an ecstatic practice. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is fun to go out- or, “up and out”, as we say in the spiritual biz. But embodied and sustainable it’s not.

I figure that’s why Nicole’s design of the practice included a tight container and a strong emphasis/basis of no agenda- particularly with regard to what people often have as an agenda in sex related practices- climax.  OMing, at heart, is not about the kind of experience you have. Because anyone in the spiritual biz know that “enlightenment” has nothing to do with experience. As such, this removal of agenda, and focus on experience, puts OMing as more an enstatic practice.

What’s cool is that the design of OMing can help one to really grok this- if the container is truly followed. It actually becomes self evident, no pun intended.

While it’s certainly possible to have an embodied climax, it’s not the norm- attention most readily goes OUT during a climax. As in “mind blown.”  It takes more conscious effort to bring a climax down and in. So much effort that it can be impossible for most people.

The beauty of OMing is that it is orgasm focused- and orgasm is sustainable because it comes from within. Orgasm *can be* (if consciously practiced as such) embodied as it can easily be approached enstatically.  Again, this becomes self evident if the container is deeply followed and practiced.

I’ll always be a tantra girl, because orgasm just lives and breaths in me (thanks kundalini!). But these days i prefer to think of myself as more zen. Maybe i’ll think of myself as “tantric zen”.  Hell, it’s probably already a thing.

Zen quickly strips down the focus from experience- something to achieve- into that which is sustainably present at all times. It’s not flashy like the “modern day” tantra. It doesn’t promise thrill. It won’t give you a quick high.

And, luckily, it doesn’t feed our culture’s heavily addictive personality. Zen won’t be attractive to those who want to get lost in seeking peak experiences, going “up and out”, dissociation, and “feeling good.”

Zen is the opposite- about fully landing here, and now. I happen to think tantra is about that too. But our culture has fucked up that message left and right. So i’ll leave tantra to all those that want “more” and “better”.

My nervous system thanks me for it. OMMMMMMM

Release; Sustained aliveness, part 2

“I already know I want extra slow strokes today,” I shared with my OM partner.

I’ve been studying my nervous system intensely. And dabbling in karezza. And exploring my addiction, and culture’s addiction, to peak experiences.

All this has shown me that while a part of me loves the roller coasters, my nervous system thrives on that which is more sustainable. Slow. Deep. Wide. A present and softened nervous system. A vast world exists here. What is connects to while in that “place” yields sustained pleasure and spaciousness, as opposed to a quick thrill from eratic hormonal fluctuations. Not that there’s anything wrong with hanging from a chandelier. But my system is craving more.

It seems that my body is trained to grasp at pleasure. I immediately notice this as my clit is being stroked, and how my body is naturally going into “climax mode.” My physiology is drawing itself towards it. To “milk” it. To coax it out. To hold it and then try to make it more. All of this references active movement toward, as opposed to a surrendering. My physiology striving. efforting. going for it! achievement. In a nutshell, my body wants to “go over.” It wants a Peak Experience, from which to go over from.

It’s as if, as my clit is stimulated in such a way, my nervous system automatically prepares for climax. Tightenings appear throughout my system. My hands press down/engage more. My clit and pussy contract inwards (as if to suck a climax into itself). My hips or legs want to tense. My breath may or may not want to hold. Even my chest may tighten a bit. All of these physiological responses are minute for the most part. They could easy escape my attention, if my studying my nervous system and all the subtle ways it responds wasn’t my latest hobby. But my nervous system is my hobby, so i’m privy to all the ways it becomes active- and ultimately creating stress on my system.

Every time I notice a clench engage, I invite space into it, and it releases. Over and over AND OVER I do this. Particularly with regards to my pussy. She can’t.help.but.want to strive towards a peak experience. I help her unwind this drive. I help her soften. I help her be present to RIGHT NoW, and not be a slave to what it wants to happen, with the false promises it brings. My system loves getting high, you see. And yet, with every high, there comes the rebound. Just like with a junkie. And it reeks havoc on my nervous system, and me.

I keep widening my scope of attention. I keep widening the energetic sensations of my pussy, my heart, my breath, my coccyx, my hands. I keep inviting the various contractions to release, to come into full allowance of this moment.

All of the sudden the grasping stops, and a homeostasis falls over me. I feel his hand or arm resting against my leg. I feel the smooth strokes of his finger against my flesh. I can literally feel my system breath a sigh of relief as if I’ve come home- as if I’ve arrived in that which I’ve always wanted, but was too busy seeking to actually experience. My width of perception widens. Urgency falls away. A richness of presence is known. And this is where I spend the rest of the OM: awake in this sustainable and easy presence.

My nervous system is no longer preparing to have a peak experience. Instead she’s opened up to a sustained pleasure that nourishes me and alivens me deeply- ahhh sustainably. The pleasure from this far exceeds the pleasure of grasping at, with, for climax. It’s less dramatic- and i wonder if those of us who are inclined to live for peak experiences have linked pleasure with drama. There is no drama here, but there is endless pleasure. There is no promise of “peaking”. There is no cat and mouse, push or pull. There is something much richer, but more importantly for me and my nervous system, there is something sustainable.

Typing this later, there is a high, but not a high that comes from a spilling over, before the system “comes down.” There is no yearning, no wanting to release, which sometimes happens when my system is trying to fight for a climax. There is nothing missing, nothing sought after, and nothing to recover from. There isn’t the flying high/head mania that can come post climax. Instead there is the kind of clarity and groundedness that comes after a deep meditation. My legs, my feet… my whole body- and way beyond- is all online. Ah, yes. Orgasmic Meditation.

 

 

 

 

 

Sustained Aliveness, part 1

There’s something that’s been hovering to the side for me wrt OMing. Listening to a program by Tim Ferriss over the weekend helped me pin it down, and has inspired me to write about it. Tim asks his guest, Michael Gervais, how he decides which clients to take.  Micheal says- if they seem to have little regard for others/and are in positions of high influence, if their aim is possibly to harm other people or to be more powerful, then he doesn’t take them on as clients. This really lit me up as it is been something I’ve been exploring with regards to OMing, as well as with clients/ my own private practice.

I’ve learned first hand that there are some people in the world who learn practices, engage in coaching, participate in workshops, even engage in therapy and so on not because they are that interested in dismantling their own ego, trauma, deficiency stories, blockages, etc, but to justify their actions (or validate their already strong sense of self), as well maneuver more cleverly, with finesse, others in their life. In other words, they pursue psychology and spirituality so as to be able to up their power over others, as opposed to relinquishing their own learned power structures. This might seem like a “DUH!” but I can have a pretty innocent, naive and possibly ignorant view of the world sometimes.  If I hadn’t been in relationship with such a person I wouldn’t have believed this to be “a thing”- but indeed it is.

Enter OMing. My journey with OMing has been rich and mainly empowering, But I had some very convoluted experiences with OMing early on with said ex partner. As such, I directly experienced how, when out of integrity, OMing can be used not for evolution of both people but for ulterior and selfish motives.  My own hormonal, chemical and very open states were often manipulated, in very subtle and perhaps unconscious ways. The harnessing of the female, for the benefit of the masculine. With me being oblivious to it all.

This was back in the days when I didn’t understand the power of love/sex hormones. I was not conscious of their dance. I was not conscious of what happened with me psychological and emotionally when I was in under the influence of peak oxytocin states. And I didn’t grasp how crucial it is to extend consciousness to such pleasure states. More over, I didn’t realize how addicted I’d become to these peak states, or how they were being used. It’s why now I passionately advocate that as women we consciously connect to our hormonal and pleasure cycles and responses, and be conscious that engagements are birthed on the heels of our animal instincts are simply that- animal  instincts, as opposed to wisdom. It’s also why now I’m such a stickler for the container – which you will notice if you read my past blog posts. 🙂

I have a soft spot in my heart with OMig. Even though OMing contributed to a traumatic dynamic, after I tightened my OM container and learned about the complexities of my hormonal nature OMing became a way to deeply heal trauma. OMing has been used as a spiritual path to peel away my own egoic senses of selves and sense of separation. It has been practiced to help me better understand my conditioning, the conditioning of my culture, and to discover alternatives. OMing has helped me to land in healthy ways of relating with myself and others. As such, over all OMing has been very empowering.

So what to do? Is it possible to weed out those people who want to further their own ego sense of self through the use of OMing? Do any of us have intuitive guidance systems wise enough to spot even the most expert covert narcissist when we’re likely only seeing the best of his/her persona peeking through, hiding the buried subversive intent running the show? How can we know what the aim is of another person?

What I return to over and over again is to the importance of being committed to having a tight container and a strict OMing practice that doesn’t deviate from protocol (until after many many many OMs have transpired). *This* is what will weed out the those with less then good intentions. If followed as instructed, the protocol itself will protect, and it will serve. It will protect women from their hormonal highs being exploited, and will provide the circumstances for enlightening and yet sustainable experiences to reveal themselves.

I sometimes notice how quickly people want to deviate from the protocol- innocently, bc they don’t know what they don’t know. But if people can suspend doing it *their way*, and trust that there is actually a method to the madness (that all the old time OMers will attest to) an unexpected discovery will take place. Women, trust in the protocol. Men, trust in the protocol. Do not deviate. Be patient.

I continue to advocate for a strict protocol, and invite women to let go of striving or reaching for climax or any kind of peak experience, and instead rest in the discovery of what lies beneath that- a sustainable aliveness that can permeate life in ways never thought possible.

 

 

Conscioulsy Healing Trauma

I started several blog pieces in June and July, only to get busy in life. I decided to complete a few… this being one of them. Mainly because trauma and OMing gets talked about, but I don’t read a lot written about it.

 

I OM’d with a new person last month. I always learn a lot about myself when OMing with a new person. I learn about my insecurities, my arrogance, my pleasure, and my pain. I learn about the ways I behave around certain kinds of personalities. I learn about the stories that I tell about myself, and other.

What I learned with this new OM partner was how a past abusive relationship is still impacting me. Leave it to OM’ing to reveal what’s not integrated!

After being in relationship with a covert narcissist who routinely gas lit me without me even being aware of it, during a period in my life where I was extremely vulnerable and impressionable (my father fighting for his life and some other factors), I developed a diminished sense of self. I embarked upon a healing journey to “reclaim myself”, and the C-PTSD  integrated to a great degree. I moved onward. And yet…   If it hadn’t been for this new OM partner I may not have realized how it was still alive in me, undetected.

Being gas light repeatedly in a clever and subversive manner made it’s mark and my system was indeed still integrating. This is what I learned from OMing with this new person: in the subtlest of ways, I still give authority of myself over when a person seems to know more then i do based on their experience levels, or when a person displays a lot of confidence (earned or unearned). This stems from me outward referencing, as one does in our culture in general but even more so when entwined in unhealthy relationships, as opposed to internally referencing. What this external referencing means is that I might give a person authority even my own body, over my own wants, and my own needs- all based upon *their* experience, *their* confidence, or *their* knowledge.

As I disappear myself out of attention, and focus my attention on them, I lose track of my own existence, and it just gets worse from there. I fear that they will doubt or deny my experience of what feels true for me- so I adapt. I anticipate being shamed, invalidated, rejected- so I adapt. I change/adapt so that I won’t be abandoned, hurt, etc by other, and in the mean time abandon and hurt my own self.  Violence all the way around.

These very  innocent and “child type strategies/responses” that develop when one is in power down relationship, in abusive/narcissistic relationship, or isn’t able/taught to trust in one’s own experiences are quite familiar to many of us. Our culture is filled with men and women dissociated from themselves. OMing can be one way to explore one’s patterning, and become intimate with the so many layers that exist within ourselves.

Even though I was out of the abusive dynamic, and even though I had become deeply reconnected with my sense of self, OMing with a new person helped me to see that there were still bits within me that were disempowered-  and bits that were ready to be met and integrated.

Enter New OM Person.  And enter gratitude. Through the presence and compassion of this person, with the assistance of the OM container, and bc of my own willingness/readiness to go deeper within myself, I was able to connect with these bits within myself that had still been caged. Even though he wasn’t always aware of my internal (i.e. mental) struggle, he was present to my waves of physiological revealings. He held space for the tears and my body shaking. He held space for my No’s and my Yes’. He held space for my orgasm and my pain.

He wasn’t aware of the thoughts I was having (i.e. the mental struggle). He wasn’t aware of the dissonance. And he didn’t need to be. I was able to hold space for the mental dissonance, and then it got to be acted out in a safe place. I got to fear his disapproval, and then feel that, and let it have it’s space to be. And then I got to experience presence and compassion, from an other, and from myself.

I got to notice my wants and needs, as well as the “how I should be’s”, and let myself journey through all that, which included the shoulds overriding the needs/wants. And then I got to really own my needs, wants, and follow my guidance, and let that be acted out. And for both- be in a safe container, with a person who could hold space for it all, where i could feel the dissonance, and then feel the freedom. And compassion, love and presence- deep from within.

Over the course of the three days (he’s from out of town) we OM’d  I learned. I healed. I cried. I shook. I loved. I hated. I loathed. I accepted. I orgasmed. And I learned some more, and healed some more. And I am still learning from those three days.

The OM container has the potential to be used for such growth and healing- when it is followed as intended. It is a place where the “good, bad and the ugly” can all hang out. Where importance of outcome dissolves and in it’s place the journey can be intimately and spaciously honored. Thank you OM.