“I already know I want extra slow strokes today,” I shared with my OM partner.
I’ve been studying my nervous system intensely. And dabbling in karezza. And exploring my addiction, and culture’s addiction, to peak experiences.
All this has shown me that while a part of me loves the roller coasters, my nervous system thrives on that which is more sustainable. Slow. Deep. Wide. A present and softened nervous system. A vast world exists here. What is connects to while in that “place” yields sustained pleasure and spaciousness, as opposed to a quick thrill from eratic hormonal fluctuations. Not that there’s anything wrong with hanging from a chandelier. But my system is craving more.
It seems that my body is trained to grasp at pleasure. I immediately notice this as my clit is being stroked, and how my body is naturally going into “climax mode.” My physiology is drawing itself towards it. To “milk” it. To coax it out. To hold it and then try to make it more. All of this references active movement toward, as opposed to a surrendering. My physiology striving. efforting. going for it! achievement. In a nutshell, my body wants to “go over.” It wants a Peak Experience, from which to go over from.
It’s as if, as my clit is stimulated in such a way, my nervous system automatically prepares for climax. Tightenings appear throughout my system. My hands press down/engage more. My clit and pussy contract inwards (as if to suck a climax into itself). My hips or legs want to tense. My breath may or may not want to hold. Even my chest may tighten a bit. All of these physiological responses are minute for the most part. They could easy escape my attention, if my studying my nervous system and all the subtle ways it responds wasn’t my latest hobby. But my nervous system is my hobby, so i’m privy to all the ways it becomes active- and ultimately creating stress on my system.
Every time I notice a clench engage, I invite space into it, and it releases. Over and over AND OVER I do this. Particularly with regards to my pussy. She can’t.help.but.want to strive towards a peak experience. I help her unwind this drive. I help her soften. I help her be present to RIGHT NoW, and not be a slave to what it wants to happen, with the false promises it brings. My system loves getting high, you see. And yet, with every high, there comes the rebound. Just like with a junkie. And it reeks havoc on my nervous system, and me.
I keep widening my scope of attention. I keep widening the energetic sensations of my pussy, my heart, my breath, my coccyx, my hands. I keep inviting the various contractions to release, to come into full allowance of this moment.
All of the sudden the grasping stops, and a homeostasis falls over me. I feel his hand or arm resting against my leg. I feel the smooth strokes of his finger against my flesh. I can literally feel my system breath a sigh of relief as if I’ve come home- as if I’ve arrived in that which I’ve always wanted, but was too busy seeking to actually experience. My width of perception widens. Urgency falls away. A richness of presence is known. And this is where I spend the rest of the OM: awake in this sustainable and easy presence.
My nervous system is no longer preparing to have a peak experience. Instead she’s opened up to a sustained pleasure that nourishes me and alivens me deeply- ahhh sustainably. The pleasure from this far exceeds the pleasure of grasping at, with, for climax. It’s less dramatic- and i wonder if those of us who are inclined to live for peak experiences have linked pleasure with drama. There is no drama here, but there is endless pleasure. There is no promise of “peaking”. There is no cat and mouse, push or pull. There is something much richer, but more importantly for me and my nervous system, there is something sustainable.
Typing this later, there is a high, but not a high that comes from a spilling over, before the system “comes down.” There is no yearning, no wanting to release, which sometimes happens when my system is trying to fight for a climax. There is nothing missing, nothing sought after, and nothing to recover from. There isn’t the flying high/head mania that can come post climax. Instead there is the kind of clarity and groundedness that comes after a deep meditation. My legs, my feet… my whole body- and way beyond- is all online. Ah, yes. Orgasmic Meditation.